The mood has changed today. I don't know why. I was doing so well, feeling so positive. But today I feel sadness. I've been settling my finances, which included going to the bank with the X today to separate all joint accounts. I don't know if the accounts reminding me of the termoil he caused using those accounts, or if this was just one step closer to D-Day. It is all so final.
I do not feel that I am making a mistake divorcing him. I am most certain to have no regrets later. He has been nothing but horrible to me for so many years and then living this double life. It has been no marriage. But I still can't seem to hold back the tears. I guess it hurts that my marriage didn't work. I didn't sign up for this. I love him, but he doesn't love me. Love is a choice, and he doesn't get that. He never will. I've given this 6 months to make sure. He will not change.
Being alone has its perks, too. Really, life is good. I have more time to myself to get things done. I still have plenty of time with my little princess. Thank GOD, I am still financially secure for now. I still get to be a stay-at-home mom, but don't have to worry about the duties of being a wife. Believe me, that's a relief!
God really worked this all out for me and for Hannah. It doesn't usually happen this way. I am better off now. I was prepared to give up everything to follow God's will for my life. I was committed to doing the right thing at any cost. And now, because of my faithfulness, God is filling me with His blessings.
Then why do I feel so sad. I'm going to be able to move on with my life and be free of this man who has tormented me and has been unfaithful for all these years. It's just that marriage is supposed to be forever. I still remember our wedding day. He seemed so right. I could not have imagined him doing these things to me at that time.
We were planning to move to Venezuela, where he's from, and start a church there...our very own ministry. He was in church every week before we even met. In fact, I started going with him to church when we met. I didn't have a car on campus at UF. He was saved....a Christian! We were going to start our life and ministry together. So, what went wrong? Why the change in him? Why??? I did everything right. I was loyal, submissive, loving, etc. He just stopped trying...I guess when he fell out of love with me. The infatuation ended and greed set in. He wanted MORE!
I expect the pain he's caused will subside with time. It just hurts so bad to remember what he did to me....and I was so unaware. I'm thankful, though, for my friends, friends who have volunteered to go with me next week to the courthouse to finalize my divorce. What would I do without them? I feel my arms being raised by my friends.... Thank you, Pascale and Gisel. Thank you for being there! Thank you for watching out for me and giving your time to walk me through this. You're the BEST!
Tomorrow will be another day, hopefully a happier day as I continue working on my budget and banking. God is good, and I'm thankful that I have money to budget! May I be a good steward of the money God has given me....
Hi Jessica, I really feel bad about what u have and are going through. This is just a phase and will pass through. Remember god is testing u ands seeing how strong u are, god always closes one door ands opens another.
ReplyDeleteYou have a beautiful daughter to live for. Please do let me know if there is anything in the future that I could be of any help. Take care and be positive.
Love
Sharan
jessica,
ReplyDeleteyou can expect these moments to happen for the next year or so...sometimes you will have months between them..sometimes days. Gettinga divorce is a physical trauma..a loss of dreams and hopes..and even when you find peace and even known you should be where you are, you heart is still catching up. If you ever visit my blog..go back to the beginning (feb 2009..) and start there. Thats when I was raw and I posted some journal entries written right after charlie left in the first few months of my blogging...!you will see whats to come and how normal, healthy and sometimes sad the process is...
Jess, You are an amazingly strong person, who can literally DO anything. To this day, I am so grateful that you came into my life as I entered motherhood. You made becoming a mommy so much easier through your creation of the Baby Bunch and your thoughtful advice. I feel privilege to be able to be there for your now that you need some support. You WILL get through this and you will have your own group of cheerleaders right here to rejoice in your accomplishments. I know some of this is really sad. You are after all mourning a lost. But, there are also many happy times yet to come. Think about the excitement of going back to school and earning another degree, watching your daughter thrive in a loving home environment, and let's not forget falling in love again. (Yes, it will happen again some day. Look at me and my Larry. We're an odd pair, but he is my special reward from God). Remember that you are surrounded by love and support, and we are here to get you through this. I love you very much,
ReplyDeletePascale
To my wonderful friend Jessica.... You are an amazing woman. The testimony of life that you are giving to all of us is just about God, putting Him first always. I admire your strengh and devotion. I am so blessed you are part of my life and thank you for letting me be part of yours. Love you, Gisel
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