I Met His Fiance and Lived

Oh, last week I was in panic mode. My X and I have been seeing a counselor, who suggested that I get to know the fiance before they get married and before Hannah spends time with her any more. Well, she was to go to see Wicked with her dad, fiance and her daughter over the weekend. We started by the fiance calling me, which didn’t go well.

First off, I was a nervous WRECK, to say the least! The plan was to stick to Hannah and stay off the subject of her relationship with my X. It was going fine, when she asked, “Do you have any questions for me?” My question was, “When and where did you meet my X?” She stubled all over not wanting to answer. I took this as she was witholding simple information, which meant, she must have known him before we were married. I had suspected that she may have been one of the women he was involved with before.

I was out of my mind at this point vowing to keep my daughter from her at all costs! How could I allow some prostitute to help raise my child?!?!?! But we still had the problem of this show Hannah’s been looking forward to for months. I couldn’t tell her she wasn’t going. So, I agreed to let her go ONLY to the show. My X wanted to have her longer. I refused….ONLY the show! He was NOT happy. Then I told him what I was upset about. He, of course denied that she was one of them. I told him I couldn’t trust EITHER of them!

The day of the show, the fiance drove down from Orlando and I met with her for 2 hours at Starbucks, which my X took the girls to Chick Filet. I was on the verge of a panic attack, although I was trying my hardest to stay calm. She was waiting for me inside alone. She came out to greet me. I decided to focus on her, to find out who she is. I discovered that she was born here in Miami, but has lived in Orlando for 11 years. She really likes it there, and it was apparent she will miss everything about living there when she moves here to get married. Her family is from Argentina. She lived there for a while.

Currently, she’s working on her Bachelor’s, has 1 ½ yrs left, studying business/marketing. She has been a realtor. She lives with her mom. She has family in South FL. She was never married, but lived as a family with her daughters father, until he cheated on her. So, she claimed that she would NEVER have broken up a marriage and absolutely was not one of the women my X was with when we were married. At least she does know he was with a lot of women. Poor naïve girl… She did share with me that they met on July 4, 2010 at the beach. She was there with her mom and cousin visiting. I decided it’s in my best interest to assume she’s telling the truth. I’ll never really know what the real truth is, anyway. And it doesn’t matter. What matters is, she’s going to marry him anyway. I need to be “friendly” with this woman.

She seemed very calm and confident. From what she said, I believe that she hopes to change her new husband, knowing that he gets “frusterated” often, which she called it. Oh, little does she know…. But her calm demeaner can only help him to relax, which I’ve decided could just be an asset to me. In fact, after talking to her, I’d rather talk to her than him!

She also told me that her parents divorced when she was 18. So, she has experience in a step-family that worked well. She actually brought up God and that she’s Catholic. We talked about how it looked like God gave her the experience with a step-family knowing that she would be placed in the middle of this now. This brough GREAT peace over me! I realized at that moment that God is still in control, even in this. He has orchestrated it all. He does still have a plan! Who knows, maybe she’ll be able to get through to my X, or at least be a buffer between me and him. I decided to see her as a blessing, not a curse.

The fiance is the kind of person that if I would have met her under different circumstances, we might be friends. We’ve already made plans for the next time she comes to do something, just the 4 girls. My X is NOT invited, of course! She said that she hopes to have a really good relationship with me for Hannah. She also hopes that Jady and I will also improve our relationship. I can picture her behind the scenes encouraging my X to behave well with me. It’s like I’ve got a cheer leader on the inside…just maybe.

I’d rather try to look on the bright side than focus on the negatives. I’d rather see her as an asset, and not an enemy. I am determined to form a healthy relationship with my X’s fiance for Hannah’s sake. This is an example of a mother’s sacrifice. I didn’t want to do any of this. This was VERY scary! I did it for HER, and only for HER! I would do anything for Hannah. This could be SOOO much worse! I am thankful…

1 Year Divorcary

One year has come and gone since my divorce was final. It has been a VERY long year! Looking back, I remember many stressful events in addition to the simple adjustment to being single. I entertained the idea of dating, only to find that I wasn’t ready. I was in a car accident, where the body shop held my van hostage for 3 months. I had to sue them to get it back. I also found out that my ex was engaged and had introduced my daughter to the other woman without my knowledge. Then I had spinal surgery, before even getting my van back. It was a lot harder than I expected. A couple weeks later, I took a week long class, where I was still in pain from surgery and a single mom. I took 4 graduate classes in total this spring, which is a HUGE load! Then Hannah started with her feelings of insecurity and didn’t want to leave my side. It was a battle just to get her to go to school, let alone going with her dad. She never wanted to be away from me, so I’ve had her now for a month with NO break!


So, a lot has happened this past year. I’ve had to adjust to a lot. And even though, we still have trials, like Hannah’s insecurity, we are in a better place than we were a year ago. I am content where I am. I don’t feel the “need” to remarry. I am just fine doing this on my own. I’m not lonely. In fact, sometimes I crave time alone.

I’m thankful for Hannah. She is my world. And though I know it can’t always be like that. I will enjoy her for now. Everything I do, I do it for her. I know I sacrifice of myself for her. I know I need some “me” time. And that will come. Right now, she needs me. I’m thankful for our close relationship.

Hannah's Insecurities

Hannah has gotten to the point where anytime she has to leave my side, there’s a fight. She is having major separation anxiety at age 5! I feel so bad, because it’s hard to tell what I should do. She won’t go with her dad or often even talk to him on the phone. She hangs up on him, or refuses to verbalize to him at all. So, she’s been with me all the time for the past 2 weeks.


She is also too “scared”, as she says, to go to school. It is a fight every morning, some more than others. One morning, she cried all the way to school, then screamed at the top of her lungs when we arrived. I actually had to turn around and take her home with me that day because she was going to vomit. I couldn’t drag her in school like that. She’s just holds so much fear now.

Hannah gets this look of fear in her face as tears roll down her cheeks when I mention that she needs to go to her dad for a couple of nights. She is SCARED! Her dad and I saw a counselor yesterday, a play therapist. He said that she is more aware of what’s going around around her at this age, vs when we got divorced a year ago. She feels out of control of her surroundings, which makes her feel insecure. She says she’s afraid that I won’t come back. She’s afraid of losing her mommy. No matter what I do to build her security, that fear persists.

I am emotionally exhausted listening to the verbal abuse that comes from Hannah’s dad. I just want to take Hannah away and not have to ever hear from him again. I dread every encounter. He is an angry, hateful person. And yet, I still encourage her to speak with him. It doesn’t usually help, anyway. She “wants” to talk with him maybe twice per week, if that.

So, I have Hannah all the time. She always wants to be right by my side, and she isn’t napping much anymore. When am I supposed to get school work done???? After she goes to bed, I have no brain power left to study. I’m a morning person. When she’s in school, I still have all the house work to do, indoors and out, groceries, laundry, etc. I’m spent! I just want to be available when my baby needs me. She is my first priority! I’ll give up anything for her, but that leaves me very stressed when exams and papers are due. How much longer must I run this race??? Will it ever end?

She Made Her Choice....Mommy!

It finally happened. I knew this day would come, but I didn’t think it would be so soon. Hannah told her daddy that she didn’t want to stay with him anymore. She’s been complaining about missing her mommy when she spends nights there. Now, she won’t even GO! I’ve had her with me for a whole week 24/7, which I love, but I have midterms to study for next week. YIKES. My little girl comes first!

Monday and Tuesday she told her dad she didn’t want to go with him. He was fine and allowed her to stay. Thursday, she was all geared up for him to pick her up after work at 7:30 to spend the night with him. When he called on his way, she told him she didn’t want to go…yet again! This time, he got angry. He hadn’t seen her all week! He asked her why. She said, “I miss Mommy.” Apparently, she cries for me every night when she’s there. Of course, he doesn’t tell me that.

He went as far as asking her, “You don’t love me?” Her only response was, “I love Mommy.” Of course, this set him in a rage. He was crying on the phone. He finally hung up, because she wouldn’t budge. Then he came to my door to talk to her in person. She didn’t want to answer it. She made me stay close, afraid he would take her from me. They talked outside the front door. She wouldn’t let me shut the door, keeping me close. Every now and then, he’d start to get loud, and she’d look at me with fear in her eyes. I just nodded. I had explained to her that this has to be between her and her dad. I can’t get involved. I encouraged her to go with him assuring her I would never leave her, that I would be in this house until I went to pick her up from school the next day. She was just to spend the night with him….nothing more. She still refused.

He told her that she broke his heart and hurt his feelings. He was balling by this time. I told her to go give her daddy a hug to make him feel better. He didn’t even hug her back. He begged her to come with him. She held to her decision. I felt aweful! I even felt bad for him, if you can imagine that.

He finally gave up and left. She felt so bad about hurting her dad like that. I could tell she held a lot of guilt, even cried a little and eventually said, “I should have gone with him.” I kept telling her that his feelings getting hurt was NOT her fault. Of course she asked, “Then who’s fault is it, if not mine?” I wanted to tell her that it was his fault, but I knew she’d ask why. I didn’t want to make him look worse to her by telling her that he chose to leave us for another life. I refrained for HER sake! I told her that it was no one’s fault. I explained that she is a 5-yr-old girl who needs her mommy, and there is nothing wrong with that. I told her to follow her heart, and that she made the right choice. I told her that her daddy was a big boy, and that he’ll be OK.

I asked her if she misses him. She said she does, but doesn’t want to see him. I asked, “Well, then what will you do when you miss him?” She said, “I”ll just look at pictures of Daddy, and that’ll be enough.” WOW! I couldn’t believe that! She just totally rejected her dad. I knew this day would come. I just didn’t think it would be this soon.

I asked her why she doesn’t like going to her dad’s house. Keep in mind, he lives in his parent’s vacation home near by with his sister and younger brother. His parents often come and stay for months at a time. She said our house is peaceful, and his is not. She also said that he yells at her and everyone else all the time. She get’s tired of all the yelling. She said, “I need to be in a peaceful house like yours.” WOW! How old is this girl? Yep, only 5.

The next morning, he called and talked to Hannah. I asked how he was doing? She said he was fine. I haven’t heard much about him since. She did mention this morning that she wants a step dad to live in our house. WHAT????? She said, “But he’d better be a good man!” Where is this coming from? I told her, “Well, that’ll be a while, because I don’t know any men.” HAHA! I asked her what he should be like. She said, “He’ll enjoy playing games with me and playing with my toys. He’ll be kind and won’t yell. He’ll be peaceful.” She even added that she’ll have to move back into her own room when he moves in, since he’ll be sleeping with me. I guess I’ve got her blessing to move on!

Wait On God

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively……
But God says to His children,

"No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with being loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone, discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.

You will never be united with another until you are united with Me, exclusive of anyone or anything else, exclusive of any other desire or longings.

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing – one that you cannot imagine.

I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things I tell you.

You just wait. That's all. Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look at all the things you want. You just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you.

And then when you are ready and until that one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love.

And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love.

I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love, that I offer you with Myself.

Know that I love you utterly.

I am God.

Believe it and be satisfied."


Author - unknown

Valentine's Day is Approaching

Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching. I am not dreading it. One good thing will come of my X having a lady friend. I get to have Hannah on Valentine’s Day! She’s the best Valentine I could possibly have. She is the LOVE of my life! We have special plans. Sunday afternoon, I’m taking Hannah to the Beauty and the Beast show. That night, we’ll have a candle lit bubble bath, Hannah’s favorite thing! I also plan to make dark chocolate covered strawberries and blueberries. It will be so special, just the two of us.

It may be questioned why I don’t feel bad about not having a man to share it with after being married all these years. Well, to tell you the truth, holidays were always a disappointment with my X. He usually didn’t do anything to make the day special. He never cared to go out of his way for me. So, what’s to miss.

Being single means no expectations! I’m responsible for making a joyful Valentine’s Day. I have no problem with that. Once again, I’m so thankful to have my precious little girl to share my life with. Maybe one day there will be someone special other than Hannah in my life. Who knows what God has for me? But honestly, my life is not lacking. I am content right where I am. I am busy being a mom and being a grad school student. I really don’t have time for much else. I already have friends to share free time with. What do I need a man for???

Maybe I have a negative perspective of men still. I know I am scarred by my poisoned marriage. I still joke about not allowing a man in my house unless he’s fixing something. HEHE! All of my pets are female….no testosterone here. Yes, that comes from a pain that still brews deep down inside. But that’s OK. I believe that God has that pain there for a reason, because He doesn’t want me yearning for a man in my life right now. My attention is meant to be elsewhere for now. When the time is right, that pain will fade. Maybe that will happen when Mr. Right crosses my path at last.

I believe he’s out there. I pray for him even now. I pray that God is preparing him for me and me for him. I pray for the traits I’m looking for. I pray for his family. I pray that God will bring him into my life, in His perfect timing. But even though my future husband is in my prayers, I don’t feel a void for him. I’m OK not having him in my life for now. It’s not time yet….and I’m OK with that.

Maybe I fill that void with pets! Some of you may laugh. Yes, we adopted another little kitten named Cloe. She’s so adorable and has really dug her way into my heart. Maybe when I start feeling that something is missing, that’s when I feel the need to adopt another pet. Look out….CAT LADY in the making!!!! I guess my add would say, “Must Love Cats”. HAHA!

All this to say, I don’t feel any urgency to meet that special someone right away. I am using this time to work on ME! I have grown enormously since my separation over a year ago. I have not allowed bitterness to brew. I have not allowed to pain to overcome me. I have been able to see the good that has come from the bad. I can see how God is working this all out for me. I can see how He saved me in every way from a poisonous marriage. Now, I can live my life. Now, I can be myself. Now, I can be happy.



Life is Good

It’s hard to believe after everything that’s been happening in my life lately, but life is good. I have my neck brace off and my neck is feeling pretty good. I’m able to resume normal activity. My van is finally FIXED after going to 3 different shops! That’s a load off! School is going well. I’m not necessarily caught up on my reading, but I’ve realized I never will be, and that’s OK. I’ve gotten straight A’s and didn’t come CLOSE to reading everything. So, I’ve learned to let that go and do what I can.


I’ve learned so much in my classes. Some classes have actually changed me! I can’t wait to see the woman I will be on graduation day. God is really working in my life. I’m so blessed. I thought I already knew a lot about how people think and why they do the things they do. HA!

I was able to watch my daughter sing a solo in school on Friday and a duet this Sunday in church (NTBC). I praised her on using her gift of song to glorify Jesus! My little girl is such a blessing.

We adopted a new kitten, Cloe, which has been wonderful! Hannah learns responsibility as she has to clean the litter more often now. I have also started her on washing dishes. She get’s to put the recycling in the garage, as well. She’s a very good helper….even though I catch her making up songs about how she’s Cinderella with all the work I give her. HAHA! Usually, she does her chores without complaint, often before I ask.

My life feels blessed….for a change. I’m hopeful that the worst is over and things will start looking up from here. I’m still waiting on the lawsuit to see if I will get some money back from the body shop that tried to steal my van. I’m also waiting to see if my X’s family will forclose on my house, which is already in foreclosure. But either way, I have faith that God is working. He will bless me and Hannah with this house or a better one.

I’m so thankful that God walked along side me through the valley.