My 2nd Divorcary

I can proudly say I’ve made it through 2 years divorced!  I’m so thankful for what the Lord has taught me through all this.  I am an independent, strong and MUCH wiser woman now!  I am content in my singleness.  I am whole in the Lord and “need” no man!  I put that in quotes, because it would be nice to share my life with someone.  But having a man doesn’t complete me.  It is a desire, not a “need”.  I still believe that God has someone special for me.  I believe that he is out there somewhere, also waiting for me.  I continue to pray for am and patiently await the moment God brings us together.  

I simply live my life for today and am not sitting around waiting for something.  I don’t know if we will meet soon or years from now.  So, life goes on.  I continue to focus on my education and my little girl.  I try to accomplish a lot in little time as a single mom in grad school trying to keep house.  Now that I’m figuring it all out, I’ll throw in my internship this summer, where I’ll work on top of my normal load.  Hannah will go to summer camp for the first time, which I HATE!  I will miss doing all the fun things we do every summer.  I still hope to take some vacations here and there.  But it’ll be hard to get to the beach much.  We may be able to hit the pool after work some days.  As usual, we’ll work it out.  Life just seems to get more and more complicated.  See, who has time to date, anyway?  I’m a very busy lady most days.  However, life is good!  I am happy!  

It's Better to Have Loved....

  Yes, it hurts, but I’ve been hurt so much deeper.  This is just part of the risk of dating.  An end comes to every relationship until you find “the one”.  I’m thankful that I was able to feel that burning inside once again, when you’re so attracted to someone.  I remember when I was married I feared I would never feel that “loving” feeling again.  Well, I had that.  I was able to remember the feeling of real chemistry.  But at the same time, I continued to pray for discernment, to know when to end it.  Well, that time has come.  I will start over in the world of dating (or not dating).  

I can be thankful, though, even though it didn’t work out.  I enjoyed my time being in a relationship.  I enjoyed “having someone”.  It’s probably better that it was short-lived.  I was at risk of falling hard.  But I kept myself guarded for this very reason.  I can’t give my heart fully to someone I just met.  I can’t trust again so easily, knowing what can happen.  

I am wiser now.  I put that naïve young girl to bed.  I’m a woman now, and I must protect myself.  I was given a reason to not trust.  That’s all it takes, in my book.  I’m trying to learn to trust again.  I’m not going to sit around and wonder about the possibilities.  I’m not willing to accept excuses.  It is what it is.  It’s OVER!  I’m not in this to play games.  I have a very full life.  I respect myself too much to put up with a defense.  There are no second chances, not when trust is broken.  

I’m happy.  I’m happy that I am wiser now.  I’m happy that I “saw” what was under the surface.  I’m happy that I had a glimpse of what can be, with the right person.  I have learned from this experience.  I have learned that I am RIGHT ON with not trusting too soon.  How do you really “know” someone you just met?  No matter how good it feels, I will take my time.  Only time will reveal the true inner person.  Anyone can put on an early front, a mask.  I will not be taken for a fool again.  Thank you God for revealing the truth!!!  Thank you for discernment...  He is faithful!!!

Is This Chemistry?

It seems I have stumbled into an unexpected, forgotten feeling.  Is this chemistry?  I’m seeing someone I met online.  I didn’t have high expectations when we first met for dinner.  But as soon as he walked up, my heart leapt.  What is that?  We had only been chatting online for a week or two before we met.  The date went so well, that we made lunch plans for the following day.  

I couldn’t believe myself!  I was like a giddy little school girl!  Is that possible?  He’s tall, dark and handsome.  He had hazel eyes that I tend to get lost in, if I’m not careful.  Something has come over me.  I can’t get him out of my mind!  All I can think about is that “HUG”.  It’s like electrical impulses race through my body when he holds me in his arms…just for a moment.  We seem to fit like a glove and it feels really good and leaves me wanting MORE.  

My mind and my heart battle back and forth, as my mind tries to point out possible negatives.  It’s like my mind is trying to destroy this beautiful thing I’ve found.  As exciting as it is, it’s scary, too.  I haven’t felt the touch of a man in so long.  I don’t want this relationship to be based on my desire for physical touch.  I’m afraid of these moments clouding my better judgment.  I’m afraid to “fall” all over again.  Where will that take me?  Been there, done that.  

I guess it boils down to,” I don’t want to be hurt again.  I don’t want to make any mistakes.  “But at the same time, I am only human and WILL make mistakes.  There is no guarantee that this is the one, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t enjoy the moment.  That’s what it’s all about.  See, this is the other side of my conscience talking.  

I have to give myself constant self-talk.  I’m dating, and I don’t have to make a decision on marriage right now.  I just need to relax and enjoy this time of simply getting to know each other.  The only other 2 guys I “dated” in the past 2 yrs never went anywhere.  We met, and there was no chemistry.  This is a whole other experience, and I feel unprepared.  The fact is, I’m not a young girl anymore.  I have so much more responsibility, like my little girl.  I wouldn’t only mess up my life, but hers, too.  I have become comfortable in my current like, just me and her.  This has put a huge wrench in the mix. 

 I know it’s a good thing, and I’m happy to have the blessing of feeling this way again.  For a long time in my marriage I was sad that I would never feel this way again.  My marriage was so broken, that we didn’t even like each other, let alone have chemistry.  Love was a choice, and nothing more.  But I’ve been given a 2^nd chance to experience falling in love all over again.  I’m not saying that is happening.  But the potential is there.  Hey, I’ve gotten this far with only 2 dates.  

It’s amazing that I miss him already.  I can’t wait till the next time we meet.  I long for his embrace.  I find it difficult to express these feelings to him.  I’m afraid for him to know how much I like him, because I don’t want him to think too far ahead toward the future.  I want this to develop slowly.  It’s nice, though, that he is really good at telling me how he feels.  I know he’s already WAY ahead of me, which scares me to death!  He really likes me a lot, maybe loves, but hasn’t said that yet.  Is it possible to fall in love so quickly?  From the way he talked before we ever met in person, he was already in love just from our messages.  He doesn’t use those words, but you can tell.  That also scares me.  

I’ve made it very clear to him that I must take this slow.  I’ve expressed to him my fears.  He knows I’ve been hurt and still have some healing to do.  He says he’ll be patient with me and help me through.  He’s so sweet!  I told him before our first date, “Nothing physical!”  But the funny thing is, I wanted the hug, and it was great!  

He says the sweetest things to me!  Some things that he says, “You are so beautiful in every way possible.”  He calls me sweetheart, babe, love, gorgeous, etc.  He said, “I will love you, protect you and give you lots of affection.”  He told me to tell my mom, “If your daughter give me a chance, I’ll make her the happiest woman in the world.”  When mom asked, “How?”  He said, “I’ll make her heart mine, loving her like she was the only girl in the world.”  He asked me to thank her for having such a beautiful daughter.  He said, “When I’m with you, I feel like a little kid with butterflies in my stomach.”  He’s very charming and good with words.  

Change is in the air.  I’m trying to focus on simply living in the moment and enjoying the feeling, not getting caught up in the thought of future.  We’re not there yet!  Relax, Jessica!!!  

The year 2012 is well underway as we enter into March next week.  Thankfully, I can say that this has been a good year.  It seems over the last 2 years I was so often living in survival mode, one crisis after another.  This year has been so different.  First, I haven’t been in constant pain as I have in the past.  I am giving credit to the much needed 3 week break from school over Christmas, allowing my muscles to relax.  

I’ve also been trying to get class work done in advance knowing that everything will be due at the same time…never fails.  I guess by the time I graduate in a year, I’ll have this grad school thing down pat.  LOL!  I took 2, supposedly, difficult theology-based classes together this semester thinking it would super tough.  But in all actuality, I’m enjoying these classes.  They make me think.  One of them I have every week, which I really like.  I feel like I get more out of the class in smaller bites.  The other is a 2 weekend intensive course.  That all day Saturday seems to last forever!  I get overwhelmed with so much information packed into such a short time.  But I’m learning.  

Because I feel so much more relaxed, I’ve ventured back into the online dating scene.  I have decided to take a different approach to dating.  I have been so picky that I won’t even date a guy who does not meet all of my criteria for marriage.  Well, what is dating anyway?  Does it really HAVE to only be used to find your future spouse, or maybe it can be a learning experience as you test out different personalities, maybe even making friends alone the way.  I’ve been taking this dating thing way too seriously.  So, I’ve met someone, who does NOT meet my criteria, but seems nice and likes me a lot.  He claims to be a Christian, but certainly doesn’t have an evenly yolked faith.  He’s also divorced TWICE, which is another big red flag.  On the other hand, we have a lot of common interests.  So, why not go out as friends?  He wants companionship and we like similar things.  We’ve chatted and spoken on the phone.  Maybe we’ll meet next week for dinner or something.  If I wait for Jesus himself, I’ll  never go out.  I want to always be in a state of learning, and I believe I can learn from every guy I get to know.  Just because I agree on going out with someone, it doesn’t mean I have to be married to them.  This is something I learned from my earlier years dating before marriage.  I tended to “marry” every boyfriend.  I want to do things differently this time.  I just make it very clear up front where I stand and that I am not ready for a committed relationship right away.  I’m going to have a good time with no strings attached.  

I am also prepared to do this because I have felt that I have had a little more time lately due to the lack of crisis in my life.  I am able to take on dating, at least for now.  We’ll see how this goes.  This is a test, and it may fail.  But you only live once!   

My New Calling in Dating

This may sound strange, but I have found a new spiritual gift.  In my singleness I have a unique opportunity to touch the lives of single men.  Now, don’t get the wrong idea.  It seems that as they get to know me, they also get to know God.  I’ve always heard in church that if you simply live your life as a believer, people will notice the difference in you and want what you have.  Well, it has seemed to be true!  First, I’ve noticed that guys really enjoy a good listener, believe it or not.  Who knew that men liked to talk?  Well, I’m a counselor, so this is just part of who I am, comes naturally.  I’m also good at offering encouragement and spiritual guidance, without being pushy.  Little by little, God’s grace slips into our conversations and into their lives.  Before they know it, they are starting to notice God show up.  

I have not been much a dater over the last 2 years of my singleness, because I’m so concerned about only “seeing” someone who is marriageable (for me).  I am looking for someone who is already where they need to be spiritually.  It is very important for them to be evenly yolked with me.  So, I’ve ignored many interested men.  But maybe God’s will is for me to get to know these men and minister to them.  I don’t know.  It’s something that I’ve been thinking about.  Obviously, this would not work for any man, but maybe for some.  Often, people are looking for companionship, anyway.  I believe in being friends first.  Hey, if they want to get to know me, they’ve got to get to know the God in me.  Who knows what might happen?  

Securing an Internship Site

It’s a new year!  I’ve been living alone for over 2 years.  I’ve been in grad school for nearly 2 years.  This year, I will start my internship in the summer.  I will be working 20-25 hrs per week and taking my last classes.  At first, this made me feel very nervous and sad.  This will be my first summer not spent with Hannah in “Mommy Camp”.  She will have to go to summer camp, probably at her school.  I was scared to see how Hannah would take the news.  She’s so attached to me and looks forward to our time together in the summer.  

Well, at first it was a shock, but the more I explained how fun it will be, the more she relaxed.  I wouldn’t say she’s excited about this idea, but she didn’t fight it.  It may turn out to be good for her.  Three or so days per week they’ll get on the bus and go somewhere fun like Chuck E. Cheese’s.  The other days they’ll stay at the school doing fun things like water day.  It’ll be like a normal school schedule for her, as I’ll be picking her up in the afternoon earlier rather than later, most of the time.  But she can stay until 6pm.  

I will plan to get enough hours in daily, so that I can take a 2 week break to go on a vacation with Hannah to Colorado.  I will be in my internship until May 2013, when I graduate from my Master’s program.  Then I can register as an intern and get PAID to work!    

My internship site is at Bayview Mental Health Center in Pembroke Pines.  I’ll be counseling dually diagnosed adults.  They all have an addiction and a mental disorder.  They are court ordered to be there and live on site.  I’ve heard that this is one of the most difficult populations to work with.  But it will look amazing on my resume!  If I can handle Bayview, I can handle working anywhere.  I just hope I don’t get too burnt out.  I will only work 4 days per week, so I have one day to do all of my housework…mowing, laundry, groceries, cleaning, etc.  I want to be able to enjoy my weekends with Hannah as much as possible.  I know I will come home tired during the week and may not have the energy that I do now to play every afternoon.  

This new chapter will be a difficult transition, I expect, but we’ll get into the routine of it and will be fine.  As long as Hannah is understanding and OK with this, I will be.  I know I will miss being able to spend the time with her that I’m used to.  But I’m afraid those days are over starting this summer.  It’s already been hard being in grad school and juggling my coursework and time with Hannah, but I do manage.  This will be much harder, because there is very little time to get stuff done in the home.  My house may not be as put together.  It is what it is, and I will just do my best.  

I do look forward to starting some real professional counseling.  I will have my own clients!  I will really get to start helping people, or at least trying to.  HEHE!  

Praying for My Soul Mate

Once again, I’ve gone a long time since writing.  This was a difficult semester to survive through.  Hannah started having attachment problems again.  She was having nightmares and required me to go to bed “with” her in order for her to sleep.  We’ve gotten through that, thankfully.  Classes this semester were a challenge as it seemed everything was due at the same time.  Plus, my grandpa died right before midterms.  I went out of town twice in the month of November, which made it really hard to catch up.  I can finally breathe again now as my semester is over.  I have a 3 week break!!!  In fact, Hannah went with her dad to Disney for 5 days, so I’ve had that time all to myself!  I’ve spent the last 4 days working in my yard.  I only had 2 full days.  But I gave my garden a much needed make-over!  It feels really good to have gotten that done.  Now, I can enjoy the 2^nd two weeks of my time off in my garden, my favorite place…when it looks nice.    One night after working hard all day, I was motivated by all the branches I chopped up.  So, I built a fire and roasted hot dogs and drank hot cocoa outside for dinner!  As one of my friends put it, “making lemonade out of lemons”.  That’s really the only way to survive my life sometimes.  It was really nice, although, it reminded me of how nice it would be to “have someone” to share times like that with.  Hannah won’t, and isn’t, always here.  She can never be my “other half”.  

On that note, I’ve decided to really start praying for my future husband.  I mean, I’ve been praying for him ever since my divorce, but I don’t know that I was ready to meet him.  Now, I feel ready to have someone.  The desire has come back into my heart.  For so long, I’ve been doubtful of the possibility of someone being out there just for me.  But I believe he’s there…somewhere.  He’s living his own life at this very moment.  Maybe he’s even praying for me right now, not even knowing who I am.  

I’ve prayed for him consistently.  I’ve prayed for God’s blessings to reach him in that very moment of my prayers…that maybe he might even feel it.  I pray for his career, his home, his family.  I pray for the things that I want in a husband like spiritual growth.  I pray that God will mold him for me and me for him.  I believe God is using this time to prepare us for each other.  Isn’t it amazing how God orchestrates things?  

I often try to envision what he might be doing right now or how we’ll meet.  Lately, my prayer is for God to bring him into my life quickly.  But I know that God has His own timing.  I know that when school is in session, I don’t have a lot of time to offer anyone.  And when things fall apart with Hannah with her attachment issues or something else, I don’t have anything emotional to give to a relationship.  I am so often on survival mode.  I can understand why God would wait for our eyes to meet.  Oh, but I can still envision the moment when I finally meet my soul mate.  Will I know right away, or will it take time?  Will it be love at first sight, or will love come softly?  

I guess Christmas is the time of year that single people often think about having someone special.  It’s understandable that I feel this way.  It’s quite possible that the feeling will fade when school starts again and I get busy.  

The other thing on my mind is internship.  It turns out, I will probably need to start my internship next summer 2012, which means I’ll be taking classes at the same time.  But I will graduate in May 2013!  Starting to work will be a huge transition for me and for Hannah.  I will have less time to get my chores done while Hannah’s in school, so a lot of that will have to happen when she’s home after school/camp.  That’s been a real struggle for me to accept.  I’ve always tried real hard to be there just for Hannah whenever she’s home.  And I guess that was important when she was young, but she is getting older now.  She’ll be almost 7 next summer.  I’ve always consumed myself with “what’s best for Hannah?”  Well, now it’s time to start thinking about me and my career.  I’ve been so hesitant, but I’ve also prayed a lot about it.  And gradually, I can see God giving me peace.  In fact, he’s showing me how rewarding it will be to have this opportunity to help people.  I would really enjoy that!  I guess God has more in store for me than just Hannah.  The fact is, I was put on this earth to not only show Hannah her way, but also to counsel others in need.  It is my ministry, and I think I will be really good at it.  Now I have to start applying to internship sites, so I’ve been praying about choosing the right one.  I feel like this is going to be a big year for me, a year of growing up, maybe.  I will finally be what I want to be when I grow up.