Grandpa's Death

         So much has happened, and yet my blog has been silent.  Isn’t that how it always goes.  When life gets “interesting”, I don’t have TIME to write.  I feel the biggest thing weighing on my life right now is the loss of my grandpa.  It’s funny how the body goes on survival mode when big things happen in our lives.  He died on Oct 27, 2011 after struggling in and out of illness for about a year before.  He had grown very weak.  He was given 2 weeks to live about 2 months before his death, so it was a blessing to have him longer.  

I did get to visit him in July, which brought great joy on both sides.  He was so cute as he had a new burst of energy whenever we’d stop by to see him during that visit.  He would scoot out on his little walker as fast as he could just to greet us at the car.  He always kept a smile on his face and cracked his jokes to make us laugh.  I knew this would be the last time I’d see him, which was really tough.  I remember telling him, “Thank you for waiting for me.”  

Down to the last minute, Grandma was by his side.  They were married 70 years!  She turned 90 and he turned 95 this year.  He was able to see every family member this year before his passing.  I also managed to talk with him on the phone just 2 days before his death.  I am soooo thankful for this!  They had moved the week before, so I wasn’t able to talk to them for a couple of weeks prior.  I would have felt really bad if I didn’t get to talk to him before.  The last thing I said to him was, “I love you.”  

Of course, when I got the news, I was devastated; even know I had been waiting for this call.  For a couple of days, I wept a lot.  Then I got over it and went on.  I live a busy life as a single mom in grad school.  Then I spent a weekend in my play therapy class.  The first thing we did was draw a picture of whatever we wanted.  I drew a picture of Gpa in heaven with Jesus.  There were clouds all around.  There were little golden angels in the background and the golden gate.  I found myself getting emotional again.  All weekend, I saw a theme in my practice play…Gpa.  I realized then that I was ignoring my emotions in order to function.  I need to grieve, but I don’t have time for that.  So sad…

This weekend Hannah and I will fly to Kansas for Gpa’s memorial.  I’ve decided to allow myself to grieve there.  I was going to sing during the service, but once again, I would be forced to perform instead of taking that time to grieve.  I need to just…BE.  

I look forward to seeing family for the 6 days that we’ll be there.  I will have to miss one class, which I hope I can catch up on later.  When I return, I will have a final exam and 2 presentations due that weekend!  Back to reality!!!  

Transitions

This fall, I’ve started back to Grad School.  The difference is that I was only offered night and weekend courses!!!  This is really hard on a single mom, who always wants to be available to her daughter!  I hate that I’m forced to depend on her dad to keep her, so I can be in class 2 weekends out of every month.  The other problem is that I don’t get weekends to myself anymore.  I either have Hannah or I’m in class.  However, her dad rarely kept her on weekends, anyway. 

The other transition is that his finace and her daughter moved down here from Orlando.  So, Hannah’s dad had been driving up to visit them every weekend.  Now, he brings Hannah along when he’s with them on his weekends.  After the traumatic experience Hannah had with this other child, I have been a nervous MESS, having difficulty even concentrating on being in class on his weekends! 

I feel so helpless, as I can’t determine how he spends his time with Hannah or who they spend time with.  I don’t know these people.  All I do know is BAD.  How can any mother relax and trust that she’ll be fine.  Well, I’ve been praying A LOT!  I started with praying for God to give me peace.  I prayed that He would take the burden of her care off of me and handle it himself.  That wasn’t working!!!!  I still wanted to protect her and be involved.  SO, I then started not only praying for peace, but for WISDOM!  See, I had been getting very angry with the X when he would go against my will with regards to Hannah.  I knew that I had to let go of the control.  I knew in my mind that God could handle caring for her in my stead, but I couldn’t let go and let GOD. 

But now, I need to not focus so much on reacting with my emotions, but with WISDOM.  My wise friend reminded me that it’s best to keep my friends close and my enemies closer.  How was I to accomplish this by lashing out in anger.  It also helped that my stress level was down in other areas of my life.  But I was able to find my peace.  I still miss her dearly when she’s away 3 nights in a row!  This is like an eternity to me!  But I have found that trust in God, that He is able….all by himself.  Really, He doesn’t need my help. 

The Girlfriend Moved Down to South FL

It’s been a while since I posted.  I was busy with Hannah and my summer course, and then we went on a month long road trip…much needed!  I was able to relax before being thrown back into the fire.  And so it begins!  The X’s fiance moved down here from Orlando, so everything has changed.  In fact, he hasn’t even told me, himself.  He said last night that he would take off work early to spend time with Hannah, only to take Hannah to their new HOUSE behind my back!  Can we say I’m FUMING!  I made it very clear that I am to know where my daughter is at all times!  I also made it clear that she is not to spend time with them before we see the counselor together.  I really didn’t think he’d stoop low enough to simply not tell me where he was taking her, knowing that she’d tell me where she had been.  She said they live in a nice house with a pool!!!!  A pool?  Imagine that?  I shouldn’t be surprised.  He’s been saving all of his money from his job, the money his dad gives him as a 2^nd salary (you heard me right), and money from 2 rental properties.  He has NO expenses of his own!!!  So, why not buy the girlfriend a nice house?  OK, I know I’m angry right now and it shows.  This is all very fresh, which is why I don’t bother to call him just yet to chew him out.  I want to be in the right mind for such an encounter. 

I know the 2^nd part of this year will only get worse.  I know many things will come up with Hannah when she starts to “see” things about her dad.  I just dread seeing her hurt.  I pray that she will be naïve to the time he spends with this other child. 

From what he told me, they decided to have them move down before getting married, smart on her part!  “Hey, buy me a house and then I’ll see if I still want to marry you.”  HAHA!  My sources say that he’s already been staying over there quite a bit, and he’s moved some of his clothes there.  Did we really think he could resist?  I also hear he is attending a Catholic church down here that she chose.  I guess it’s better than NO church.  I feel safe in knowing that Hannah will continue to go to church every Sunday with me.  She will refuse to go with them, anyway.  She’s very at home at our church.  Oh, the drama…

Alone on the 4th of July

            Here it is, July 4^th, and I am sitting in my house…alone.  It is a strange feeling as I hear the booming of fireworks off in the distance.  I don’t remember ever being alone on the 4^th of July.  Hannah and I had planned to burn sparklers in the yard together, but then she decided at the last minute to stay with her dad and watch the neighbors in their development shoot off fireworks over the lake.  How can I compete with that? 

            I really didn’t think it would bother me.  In fact, I embrace the chance to be alone…as it is rare in the summer.  I finished writing my last paper for school, called my mom and then watched a movie at home in my pjs.  What could be better, right?  But then the popping of fireworks began, which reminded me of all the families and friends enjoying time together, and I all of a sudden felt lonely.  It just didn’t feel right. 

            I know I’ll be fine.  This holiday is not as important to me as so many others.  I just have a sense of uneasiness.  It seems there should be more to this day, a celebration.  I am a woman of traditions…love them!  I believe traditions are what hold a family together.  Last year, we were at my parents’ house on this day.  We went to the local fireworks display with my parents.  The year before, we were in Colorado at the cabin.  Hannah and I were alone, and she didn’t want to watch fireworks.  She was still scared of loud noises at that point.  The other family members went to watch fireworks, while we stayed at the cabin.  It was OK, because we were together, and we couldn’t hear the sound of fireworks way up in the mountains.  So, this is a new experience for me. 

Grad School Update

           I’m thrilled to say that the grades are in for my 2^nd semester in Grad School.  It took as many classes as they would allow, 4.  I got 3 A’s and 1 A-.  Not bad for a single mom with so much going on!!!  I now have a 3.89 GPA.  Who would have thought?  Grad school can be really tough at time, but I’ve learned so much.  I’m really enjoying it.  I’m taking one summer class now and Process Group.  Summer is at a slower pace, which is nice, since Hannah is with me all summer.  I hope to get another A in this summer class! 

            From what I understand, I will start my internship next fall.  I’m choosing to wait until after summer, so I have one more summer home with Hannah before having to put her in a camp of some kind.  This summer she is very adimate about not leaving my side for any extracurricular activity.  She wants to be in “Mommy Camp” only!  Well, that’s all right with me. 

            I know it’s premature, but I’m already dreading having to work.  Next fall, I’ll be working and going to school with my unpaid internship.  Just having classes is hard enough.  Then I’ll have to add 20 hrs of work to my week, too!  I try really hard to not worry about it yet, being a year away.  I want so much to give Hannah my all. 

            I also realize that working has its place, too.    I think of it as, “God has bigger plans for me, even beyond just Hannah’s life.”  Working as a counselor will allow me to help and influence many more people.  Although Hannah is the most important person in my life, there are many more out there the just may need someone like me.  Besides, it’ll be good for her to see me in a career helping people.  It may even be good for her to NOT be the only thing in my life.  She now has me almost all to herself.  That can be a wonderful thing!  But it can also be bad.  Hannah needs to know that my world will not always revolve around her alone. 

            But still, just writing this, I take a deep breath of regret.  I want to be that mom that is always there for her daughter.  I want her to come home to a peaceful home, not a stressed out mom.  I know that working is tiresome.  I want to have energy to give at the end of the day. 

            Change is hard sometimes.  This one will be a BIG transition in my life, which may be one of the hardest.  I foresee the valley approaching.  But I know, like always, God will walk hand in hand with me through that valley.  He will also walk with Hannah and bring her comfort when she feels distant from me.  He will take us both through that season, and eventually, it’ll be our new routine.  We will both have to adjust.  As usual, I can only do my very best….

How the Book of Psalm Addresses the Issue of Grief

Psalm 31 states, “O' Lord have mercy on me in my anguish.  My eyes are red from weeping; my health is broken from sorrow.”   Another emotional verse is, "I am worn out from groaning;  all night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears" (Psalms 6:5).  Tears are a gift.  Emotions are not of the flesh.  They were created by God and they are not evils.  Many verses like these in Psalms teach us to be emotionally mature, not inhibited.  God teaches us that using emotions appropriately, may actually promote healing.  Emotions run high in the midst of grief.  Often people are quick to discourage crying, expecting someone to just get over it and move on.  They’ve misunderstood the purpose of emotions and their therapeutic qualities.  

I believe Psalms speaks to different people at different times in different ways.  Depending on what you’re going through, the Psalms can portray a different message.  I call that, God speaking through scripture.  This is why the Bible is the LIVING Word of God.  God is alive and well in the Word.  He can use those verses to offer answers and encouragement to those who suffer.  

Christians also have the gift of hope that others don’t.  However, Christians do still grieve.  Psalm 147:3 states, “He heals the broken hearted, binding up their wounds.”  Often in the midst of our grief, we can’t see God working.  At times we may even feel that the scriptures are mocking us when it states one thing, and we feel the opposite is happening.  It is only later when we can see the hand of God in all that we suffered through.  I like to picture God holding my hand and walking by my side through every trial.  It is through scripture I have the faith to get me through some of the hardest times.  Even though I don’t feel God’s presence, that doesn’t mean He’s not there.  He’s always there.  That’s faith!  

God reminds us again that He is there in Psalms 22:24, “For He has not despised or disdained the suffering of the afflicted one.  He has not hidden His face from him, but has listened to his cry for help.”  God hears our prayers, and Psalms teaches us how to pray in the midst of grief and despair.  

Psalm 46 states, “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble.”  I am so thankful for this verse, which Christians can go to remind them that they are not alone, no matter what the circumstance.  It says to me that we can hide under God’s protection (refuge) and He will give us strength in the midst of our troubles, or grief.  Our God is our great protector.  

Psalms 30:5b is also a scripture that brings great comfort and encouragement in times of grief, “Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning.”  Psalm 23:4 is often used when talking about death, “Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff they comfort me.”  I often experience my trials or grievances as walking through the valley even when not in a life or death situation.  Even there, in the valley of the shadow of death, God still holds my hand and walks me through.  Even there, I have the hope of not being alone.  Even there, He brings comfort.  "For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling" (Psalm 116:8).  

Grief is a normal, natural, and often deeply painful response to loss.  Often, people think of the death of a loved one when they think of loss, but many other significant changes in life can involve loss and therefore grief.  People grieve over things like the loss of a job, divorce, or losing a home.  Everyone experiences loss and grief at some point in life.  The severity of the grief depends on the significance of the loss. 

The book of Psalms in the Bible is full of richness to offer to those who are grieving.  Psalm 77 states, “I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered you, O God, and I groaned; I mused, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing; I was too troubled to speak.”  The Psalmist was obviously in deep despair.  He’s calling out to God for help, but doesn’t seem to get the answers he’s looking for, at least not right away.  

So, instead of giving up all hope, the Psalmist decides to meditate on the past.  The Psalmist remembers who God is and what God has done.  Psalm 77:11 states, “I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I 

will meditate on all your works and consider all your mighty deeds.”  When God appears absent, his influence is there, even when he chooses to remain unseen.  The way the Psalmist puts it is, “in the middle of the churning waters, your footprints were unseen (Psalm 99:19)”.  God was there the whole time offering His healing, bringing redemption and hope, and yet, still unseen.  

This is a good reminder to those grieving, who seem to have lost all hope.  God is there, even in the midst of tragedy.  He does still have a plan.  He’s in control, and is still concerned about you.  In fact, He’s right there with you.  The pain will only last for a season.  God does heal the broken hearted.  Joy will come in the morning.  

The Psalms show the honesty of the people of God as they plea with him.  They pour out their heart in anguish and despair as they express their grief, fear and doubt with the Almighty God.  They get angry with God.  These verses show us that it’s ok to show our anger to God in times of grief.  God will not judge us when we doubt Him, for He knows we are only human and cannot see through the eyes of heaven, as He does.  

In moments of despair, it is easy to feel like all hope is gone.  But reading the Psalms, we can find a renewed hope as we remember all that God has done.  God is a god of miracles.  He can certainly deliver us from our pain.  He can fill that void caused by any loss, in His time.  

When I Start to Trust, My World Crumbles

Hannah came home from her weekend with her dad with some concerning news.  She sat down on the sofa and said, “Mommy, I need to tell you something.”  What she told me was shocking.  I won’t go into great detail, but she was violated by her dad’s fiance’s 6 year old daughter.  I spoke with her dad about it first.  His reaction was, “She’s lying.”  So, I called the child psychologist we’d been seeing.  He advised that I call the abuse hotline to see if it’s reportable.  If so, report it and follow the proper steps.  He also said that if I didn’t report it, he would.  I knew I couldn’t trust Jady to solve this on his end, so investigators were necessary.  He had already shown that he was going to defend his finace and daughter at the cost of our daughter. 

After reporting, I called his fiance myself, purposely leaving him out of the loop.  He’s no help anyway.  Frankly, I was concerned for her daughter.  What she did was not typical behavior for a girl her age.  Could someone be hurting her?  Calling the fiance was the hardest thing I’ve had to do.  Here we are on fairly good terms for the moment, but have only met once.  This is not an easy thing to tell someone one you do know well.  I feared the worst!  But I felt I had to tell her that she may be contacted by someone, so she wouldn’t be surprised. 

She was receptive, but shocked.  Later, the authorities were asking me for her address, which I didn’t have.  My X and she refused to give me the address.  So, now, they are showing a lack of cooperation and making this harder for me.  Does he care at all for his daughter?!?!?!  Or is he so blinded by love that she no longer matters? 

I did eventually find out that the authorities were able to contact her via her cell phone number that I gave them.  They already came to take Hannah’s statement and said someone would do the same with her little girl.  I hope they get her help.  In the mean time, when just a week ago, I was feeling so much peace about Hannah being with them, I am now scared to death! 

After a few days, my X called yelling unable to understand why I needed to call the authorities.  Of course, I explained that the counselor said I must, but he wouldn’t listen.  He thought I should have dealt directly with them.  Well, how could I after the way he first responded?  How rediculous!  I would DIE for my daughter!  The last think I would do is trust HIM to handle this!!! 

Why do these things happen to me?  It’s one thing after another.  I’m thankful that it was just a child and fairly mild….but still wrong.  I can only pray that this or something worse does not ever happen again.  I have no control over my daughter’s safety and it makes me SICK!  I know that God had a plan in all this.  I find myself wondering what He’s concocting.  I can only speculate.  But if this behavior continues, I may get full custody of Hannah.  If that’s God’s will, then maybe that’s the purpose.  At the same time, I don’t want Hannah to be hurt.  I pray that this incodent will be forgotten.  She is very aware of how wrong it was.  I’m thankful that she was brave enough to tell me.  Lord help us!