Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Grad School

I’m really excited about how grad school is going. It’s hard to juggle everything. I’ve worked hard on time management to get all the course work done. I battle with the guilt of not being “just a mom” anymore. I want to give 100% to Hannah, but that’s not my life anymore. My eggs can no longer be in one basket. Hannah has said to me, “Mommy, I don’t want you to go to school.” I explained that I have to finish school to get a good job, to make money for us to live on. She said, “I don’t want you to have a job.” I said, “Why not?” She said, “Because then you’ll spend less time with me.” That broke my heart!!!! A mother’s guilt never fails.

As I have passed the middle of my first semester, I’m happy to say that I have straight A’s! I only have one month left to complete my first 3 classes in Christian Counseling. I am taking Counseling Skills Training, Human Growth and Development, and Counseling Theories. I have learned a lot! I have also found that I am already very knowledgeable about what I’ve learned so far. I don’t think I would do this well had I taken these classes 10 years ago. Life experience has taught me so much! It’s actually made me a better counselor.

As difficult as it has been to adjust to being a student and a single mom, I’ve realized that even though it is hard and I feel overwhelmed at times, this is only for a season. This semester flew by, and the rest will, too. Before I know it, I’ll be in my career….and able to help people work through their problem situations. I have big plans to write books, as well.

God blessed me with a wonderful daughter. I was able to give her my all for the first 3 yrs of her life. I’m thankful for those 3 beautiful years home with her. Now she’s growing up and in school. I suppose God is telling me it’s time to redefine myself, to find my own identity. My identity can’t be just Hannah’s mom anymore, as much as I appreciated that. God used me in her life for that season, but now, he has bigger plans for me. I will still be Hannah’s mom, but I will also be able to make a difference in the world.

I just pray that God will help the guilt to fade, so that I can focus more positively on my future career. I know I can make a difference! Who knows, maybe one day, I’ll meet my soul mate and remarry. Then everything will change again! Life is full of ups and down. I’m just here for the ride.