I’m really excited about how grad school is going. It’s hard to juggle everything. I’ve worked hard on time management to get all the course work done. I battle with the guilt of not being “just a mom” anymore. I want to give 100% to Hannah, but that’s not my life anymore. My eggs can no longer be in one basket. Hannah has said to me, “Mommy, I don’t want you to go to school.” I explained that I have to finish school to get a good job, to make money for us to live on. She said, “I don’t want you to have a job.” I said, “Why not?” She said, “Because then you’ll spend less time with me.” That broke my heart!!!! A mother’s guilt never fails.
As I have passed the middle of my first semester, I’m happy to say that I have straight A’s! I only have one month left to complete my first 3 classes in Christian Counseling. I am taking Counseling Skills Training, Human Growth and Development, and Counseling Theories. I have learned a lot! I have also found that I am already very knowledgeable about what I’ve learned so far. I don’t think I would do this well had I taken these classes 10 years ago. Life experience has taught me so much! It’s actually made me a better counselor.
As difficult as it has been to adjust to being a student and a single mom, I’ve realized that even though it is hard and I feel overwhelmed at times, this is only for a season. This semester flew by, and the rest will, too. Before I know it, I’ll be in my career….and able to help people work through their problem situations. I have big plans to write books, as well.
God blessed me with a wonderful daughter. I was able to give her my all for the first 3 yrs of her life. I’m thankful for those 3 beautiful years home with her. Now she’s growing up and in school. I suppose God is telling me it’s time to redefine myself, to find my own identity. My identity can’t be just Hannah’s mom anymore, as much as I appreciated that. God used me in her life for that season, but now, he has bigger plans for me. I will still be Hannah’s mom, but I will also be able to make a difference in the world.
I just pray that God will help the guilt to fade, so that I can focus more positively on my future career. I know I can make a difference! Who knows, maybe one day, I’ll meet my soul mate and remarry. Then everything will change again! Life is full of ups and down. I’m just here for the ride.