Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Counting Down to D-Day.....

The mood has changed today. I don't know why. I was doing so well, feeling so positive. But today I feel sadness. I've been settling my finances, which included going to the bank with the X today to separate all joint accounts. I don't know if the accounts reminding me of the termoil he caused using those accounts, or if this was just one step closer to D-Day. It is all so final.

I do not feel that I am making a mistake divorcing him. I am most certain to have no regrets later. He has been nothing but horrible to me for so many years and then living this double life. It has been no marriage. But I still can't seem to hold back the tears. I guess it hurts that my marriage didn't work. I didn't sign up for this. I love him, but he doesn't love me. Love is a choice, and he doesn't get that. He never will. I've given this 6 months to make sure. He will not change.

Being alone has its perks, too. Really, life is good. I have more time to myself to get things done. I still have plenty of time with my little princess. Thank GOD, I am still financially secure for now. I still get to be a stay-at-home mom, but don't have to worry about the duties of being a wife. Believe me, that's a relief!

God really worked this all out for me and for Hannah. It doesn't usually happen this way. I am better off now. I was prepared to give up everything to follow God's will for my life. I was committed to doing the right thing at any cost. And now, because of my faithfulness, God is filling me with His blessings.

Then why do I feel so sad. I'm going to be able to move on with my life and be free of this man who has tormented me and has been unfaithful for all these years. It's just that marriage is supposed to be forever. I still remember our wedding day. He seemed so right. I could not have imagined him doing these things to me at that time.

We were planning to move to Venezuela, where he's from, and start a church there...our very own ministry. He was in church every week before we even met. In fact, I started going with him to church when we met. I didn't have a car on campus at UF. He was saved....a Christian! We were going to start our life and ministry together. So, what went wrong? Why the change in him? Why??? I did everything right. I was loyal, submissive, loving, etc. He just stopped trying...I guess when he fell out of love with me. The infatuation ended and greed set in. He wanted MORE!

I expect the pain he's caused will subside with time. It just hurts so bad to remember what he did to me....and I was so unaware. I'm thankful, though, for my friends, friends who have volunteered to go with me next week to the courthouse to finalize my divorce. What would I do without them? I feel my arms being raised by my friends.... Thank you, Pascale and Gisel. Thank you for being there! Thank you for watching out for me and giving your time to walk me through this. You're the BEST!

Tomorrow will be another day, hopefully a happier day as I continue working on my budget and banking. God is good, and I'm thankful that I have money to budget! May I be a good steward of the money God has given me....
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Monday, March 29, 2010

One Week to Go

The date has been set for our final hour. The divorce will be official on April 6th. How do I feel? I think denial for now. I just would rather not think about it. I choose to focus on the excitement of starting over, getting another chance for happiness.

In the meantime, my X is still not speaking to me. But as long as he's good with our daughter, I try not to let it bother me. If we can't stay married, why try to be friends. I must learn to let a lot of things go. He's no longer my husband. This gives me the right to not let his quirks concern me.

In a way I'm happy that the divorce is only taking about 2 months to complete. I just want to be able to move on. I just want to close this whole chapter of my life, a chapter of misery. My "family" is now redefined as me, Hannah, Sasha (dog) and Angel (cat). My home is full of estrogen, and I like it that way.

I was never allowed to have pets with my X. I forgot how much joy animals bring. I am never alone! Last week, Hannah and I had a Disney vacation for spring break, and we brought Sasha and Angel with us. They are quite a pair. There was no way I could separate them. They did great! I would have missed them terribly if we had left them. God truly blessed me with two furry angels.

Friday, March 12, 2010

The Final Hour

We had our divorce mediation less than a week ago. I was a nervous mess, even though I knew that my Lord would provide. Faith has brought me this far, but this day was going to decide the rest of my life. I know fear is not of God. I was content with what I was left with even if that meant no roof over my head, going back to work, sharing holidays, living in poverty. You see, I haven't worked in about 6 years or so. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology, which I can't do much with. I had started Grad school at Barry University 8 yrs ago, but my husband made me quit saying that I wouldn't need it since I'll stay home with our kids. Little did I know that this was just one more way to control me. Before I met him, I planned to go all the way for my Doctorate. I hoped to write a book. I loved the Master's program, and yet I had to give it up.

God has given me a real since of peace about my future. There has been no decision made by me that God did not hand to me. Later I will share my whole story....the story that began last August 2009. The last 6 months have changed my life forever, I believe for the better. I have grown so much closer to God through this trial.

At this point the worst is behind me. The mediation couldn't have gone better! I have a new since of security. I learned that God is even in control of the most powerful people, like my father-in-law. He just worked everything out for me through him. I will be financially supported for the next 5 years and be able to start my Dual Master's Program again at Barry University in the fall. I am so excited about with God has in store for my ministry. He is orchestrating some amazing things in my life. I can only hope that I will measure up. I have given my life over to God. I will never work in a secular job again. I want God to use me to bless others. I have faith that when I am done with my Master's God will place the perfect job in my lap without me even having to apply. They will come to me. I've already had offers!!!

I am excited about my future as I encourage others to seek God in the midst of their trials. He will be a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path to get me through another day. Take it one day at a time, and ask God to make every decision for you! He will not leave you or forsake you! He has walked by my side through this roller coaster I've been on. He is the only husband I will ever need!