Monday, May 30, 2011

Letting Go

What can I say?  I’m thankful on this Memorial Day weekend.  Hannah went with her dad to Orlando for 3 nights…away from Mommy, and survived.  In fact, she thrived!  The two of them stayed in a hotel, which was the agreement.  But they were there to spend time with the fiance and her daughter.  They went to Blizzard Beach and Universal Studios. 

I’m just so happy that he’s doing something fun with Hannah, even if it is just to be with his “other half”.  Hannah looked forward to this trip for a week!  She had a great time, from what I’ve heard.  She didn’t seem to miss me too much, as she didn’t call often. 

Believe it or not, I’m in a different place.  I am not bitter.  I am not angry.  I’m not lonely.  I’ve had 3 days to myself, which is welcome.  Of course, I miss Hannah, but I need a break, too.  I’ve had her 24/7 for so long.  I’m just thankful that she feels secure enough now to leave me for so long.  In fact, I just found out they’re staying another night, because there’s too much traffic driving home.  That will make it 4 nights away from me!  That’s NEVER happened!  The best part is, Hannah is FINE with it. 

I know that God worked this all out.  God has built up her security, as so many have prayed for her.  She’s another person from just a few months ago!  There is no other explaination.  All I want is for my little girl to be OK from all of this divorce stuff.  God has taught me faith once again through this.  He is still watching out for Hannah.  He does care for her, and will not let evil get her down.  I believe he has angels stationed all around her to protect her from things she hears and sees when she’s away from me.  I may not be there with her all the time, but God is.  He is sufficient.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Insecurity Improvement

Thankfully, I have seen improvement with the insecurity Hannah has had.  Thanks to the play therapist her dad and I have been seeing, her dad has not been yelling at her so much.  It has made a HUGE difference.  I have seen her wanting to spend the night with him a lot more now.  She is able to handle 2 nights away from me now.  She still may ask me to come pick her up or may call often, but I’m able to talk her down. 
            This past weekend, I started my summer class.  Hannah’s aunt picked her up from class on Friday.  Hannah spent the night and all day Saturday with her.  I picked her up in the afternoon.  Then Hannah went to her other aunt’s house, by choice, to spend the night.  She came home for church Sunday.  Then she opted to spend Sunday night with her dad, and may spend Monday night, too.  I guess the important thing is that she has seen me everyday.  But I’m glad she’s feeling more comfortable spending nights away from me.  I see that as a big step! 
            Here’s the frustrating part for me:  Even though Hannah spent Friday and Saturday at her dad’s house with her aunt, HE wasn’t ever there!  Apparently, he was in a hotel somewhere locally.  I can depend on his sister more than I can on him to care for HIS daughter!  He chooses which of HIS weekends he wants to spend with Hannah.  I just prepare to keep her every weekend, just in case.  Then he complains that he wants to see her more.  HA!  Prove it!  Anyway, that was me venting… 
            He’s planning to take Hannah to Orlando for Memorial Day weekend to visit his fiance and her daughter.  He’s going to take them to a couple theme parks, from what I hear.  She’ll be away for 3 nights!!!  I’m anxious to see how it goes.  She really seems to like being with them…more so than just with her dad.  She says he’s boring.  He has promised to get a hotel for him and Hannah while there.  That’s part of the deal! 

Another Surgery?

          Trials continue in the life of Jessica.  As seen in previous blogs, in Dec 2010 I had spinal surgery in my neck, which was terribly difficult for me.  Well, I’ve had pain again for the last few months.  I went back to the surgeon, and he’s basically saying that I will probably need to have surgery AGAIN!  What’s happening is the space between my vertebrate are not healing properly.  They should have been fused completely 3 months after surgery.  I’m now on month 5 and both show lack of fusion.  Why do these things happen to me?

                He wants to go in through the back of my neck this time.  He would fuse the vertebrate together and fuse the vertebrate to the spine.  He says this surgery would be less risky than the 1st.  The problem is that he is not 100% sure this will stop my pain.  This kind of pain can be caused by many different things.  He says it could be a symptom of arthritis forming in my neck from the surgery.  But arthritis is not showing up yet on the scan. 

                If God can really heal, now is the time for Him to do it.  I need a lot of prayer to make this decision.  This is summer, when my load is lighter.  If I’m going to do surgery, summer would be the time to do it.  I have so many things to plan around.  I have a big 1 month road trip planned for July.  I’ve worked SOOO hard to plan my vacation this year, only to have it derailed by this surgery?  I don’t want to wait until Christmas again.  Christmas is a very special time of year where you don’t want to be stuck unable to move.  It seems I live in constant crisis.  Thank you for your prayers!!!