Sunday, October 24, 2010

To Date, or Not to Date?

I’ve taken my time. I’ve done everything I can do to heal from the torment of my past. I began this journey afraid, afraid of being out there again. I felt like I was being thrown out to the wolves. I felt so fragile and alone.

I took it slow, as I tried to regain some respect for men. It was hard in the beginning to separate one man who hurt me so deeply and every other man out there. Aren’t they all capable of lying and cheating? Is there any hope of finding a loyal spouse? How many marriages have I watched falling apart around me, even Christian marriages? Do marriages even last anymore? Why bother looking?

Then, a new season began for me, the season of male friendship. As seen in a prior blog, I allowed testosterone back into my life. Through that sort of friendship, I realized there are still “nice guys” out there.

But now, I must ask myself, “To date or not to date?” Could I be ready to move forward into a new season, where I would actually allow someone the chance to sweep me off my feet? Obviously, my feet won’t be easily swept. I’ve been hurt. I’ve learned to be cautious.

What is dating in 2010, anyway? Will I even know how to do it? Honestly, I didn’t really date even when I was a teen. I was friends with guys, which turned into a relationship. I never had the chance to do the whole dating thing. It sounds exciting, yet at the same time, terrifying. What comes with dating??? I’ve only kissed one man in the last 12 years!!!

It’s not the kiss I’m afraid of. I guess there’s still a part of me that has a hard time breaking the loyalty I had in my marriage. The other part is, with a kiss brings other feelings and emotions…..passion. I am a conservative Christian, who does not believe in pre-marital sex. God created sex as a bond shared between a man and a woman in wholly matrimony. With sex, two people become ONE flesh! When those two people part ways, a piece of each person painfully stays with the other.

It’s also a matter of, if you give that up, what is left to wait for in marriage? I believe that love waits. This is the ultimate sign of respect. Any man who pressures me, will show his lack of respect for my wishes and my body.

These are just some things I’ve thought about as I toy with the idea of dating. Is it time for me to get out there and move on with my life? It’s exhilarating to think that I will be able to fall in love again. I haven’t felt that feeling in a VERY long time, since my X was so cruel to me over the past several years. This is my chance at a new beginning.

But….am I ready?

Friday, October 22, 2010

Stop to Smell the Roses

So, today I stopped by Home Depot to pick up some string for my weed whacker. I couldn't help but stop into the garden department. Oh, the feeling I got when I walked in and took in the beauty of all the colorful flowers around me! It was euphoria!!!

I’m used to spending a lot of time working in my garden. They know me by name in the Garden Dept of Home Depot, I was in there so often buying flowers. With Grad School, all that has stopped. Walking through there today, the craving to buy flowers to plant was overwhelming! But with what time am I going to do this??? I walked through every isle, taking it all in.

My, has my life changed. I don’t seem to have time for simple pleasures anymore. I’m a stop to smell the roses person. I need that! I still go out and sit in my garden, but it’s not the same as getting out there and working it. I maintain with mowing, but I want to plant seasonal flowers. I want to spend a WHOLE day out there!

I can only hope that one day, I’ll be able to find the time for this simple pleasure again. This is a season in my life, where things are different and time is short. But one day, I’ll be able to really ENJOY life again. Now, don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy life. I do take time just to “play”. I’m going out for karaoke with Hannah tonight, in fact. But my REAL enjoyment comes from the outdoors. That, I haven’t had time for. My body CRAVES it! We’re also going to the zoo tomorrow, so that’ll be nice.

I’m trying really hard to manage my time wisely and get my homework done during the week, so that I can spend time enjoying Hannah on the weekends I have her. I’ve discovered that the weeks that I have Hannah on the weekend, are really strenuous! I have to work hard all week to get my homework done before the weekend. And this weekend, I’m also planning another oral presentation. So, that’s a lot of added work! But the semester is already half way through. I think I’ll do all right. I can’t expect to be perfect, because I don’t have the time to give each class my ALL. So, I will accept simply, “OK”. As long as I get that degree, I’m in better shape.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Counseling: Conflict Resolution

I've started going to counseling with my X every other week for the last two weeks. We're seeing a Christian Counselor, a man. Yesterday, he suggested to my X not to have Hannah spend nights with his girlfriend in her house. He ought to get a hotel. There needs to be someone else, a family member, in the house if they are to spend nights there. The counselor also did not condone the fact that the four of them laid in bed together while watching TV, too intimate. These things my X did with Hannah over the weekend, what I was so worried about.

It also seems that he is not taking Hannah to church anymore when he has her. He explained that Hannah doesn't want to go to his Spanish church and they don't attend church in Orlando. So, she just doesn't go! The counselor explained an interesting statistic. When mothers take their children to church every Sunday, the child has a 50% chance of attending church as an adult. When a father takes their children to church, the percentage goes up to 90%!!! I found that incredible. So, obviously, the counselor encouraged him to make church a priority with Hannah.

Honestly, my X seems to have gone deeper into the abyss. He acted as if he didn't really care what the counselor said. He's going to do what makes him happy. I really shouldn't be surprised by this. All these years, he's pretended to be a God-fearing man, but he was living a double life. Well, now, why live a lie? He has nothing to hide. But my Hannah will have to suffer. That's what kills me!!!

The counselor also explained to me that when it is his weekend with Hannah, she is HIS! I can't demand to him that he take her to church. He said, "That's between him and God." No one can make him do the right thing. This is very humbling for me. He's right. This is something I have to let go. I have to give this burden completely to GOD! He does love my daughter even more than I do, and He will protect her.

The other thing I noticed yesterday was the HATE my X has for me. I don't understand it. He never spoke calmly. It was always yelling and accusing. He used sarcasm and jabbed me when at all possible. It was like he wanted to hurt me. I could feel the HATE radiating from his body. He was filled with anger. At one point, I stopped and turned to him and reminded him, "I am the mother of your child. Where is all this anger coming from? Talk to me like a mature adult." He just yelled even louder.

By the end of the session, I was fighting back the tears. I can't deal with this man. I'm so thankful that I am no longer bound to him in marriage, but it sure is hard to be bound to him through our daughter! One good thing is that the counselor saw the man I've had to put up with for so many years. He was a raging lunatic! Also, I did fairly well at keeping my cool. I must admit, it was hard, being that he was making so many false accusations. Where does he get this stuff!?!?!?!?!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Protect My Daughter, Oh Lord!

I must accept that every other weekend, my daughter will spend time with another woman. I don’t know this woman, and yet she is molding my daughter. This is more than I can bear alone! On these weekends, Hannah doesn’t go to church. She is not taught Godly principals. She eats whatever she wants to eat and does whatever she wants to do. She comes home a different child. So, I must get her back in shape after every weekend spent with her dad. She must know that she doesn’t behave like that in my home.

This isn’t how I pictured motherhood, sharing this very important responsibility with another woman. No, it isn’t fair! But this is how it is now. I’ve learned that I must accept this, and simply do the best I can do. I can only trust God for the rest.

I’ve prayed that God will protect my little girl when she’s away from me, for she is out of my care. I pray that what she sees and hears will be pure. This woman also has a daughter, who is 5 like Hannah. From what I can tell, she is not as well behaved as Hannah. Hannah comes home making disrespectful comments or using mildly inappropriate vocabulary. But once again, I give it over to God.

Legally, I have no grounds to tell him what he should or shouldn’t subject our daughter to. He won’t listen even when I tell him, so I swallow it, as hard as that is. All I can do is my best. God will take care of my princess! He is her ultimate FATHER!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

A Godly Husband

A Godly Husband

by Yolonda Juers

I pray for a husband

Who is chosen by Your hand,

One who honors his Creator

And follows the leading of his Saviour.

Give me a man following God’s will

He is so much more a thrill,

Than a man filled with his own thought

So easily led and so cheaply bought.

Father God, if it is Your will,

May I have a husband still?

Only if he is in Your plan

Otherwise single will I stand.

A man who rejoices in the love of God

To him only will I give the nod.

With the Holy Spirit must he be filled

And earthly desires simply be stilled.

I want a man who longs for You more

Not one who is Holy Spirit-poor.

One who longs to do Your work

On the narrow path he steps at the fork.

Father God, if it is Your will,

May I have a husband still?

Only if he is in Your plan

Otherwise single will I stand.

Few men choose based on right

Many choose based on sight.

May he weigh carefully each thought

Having persevered and been well taught.

I pray he reflect Jesus his Lord

On eagles wings may he have soared.

Not perfection but forgiveness his aim

Having made mistakes but casting not blame

Father God, if it is Your will,

May I have a husband still?

Only if he is in Your plan

Otherwise single will I stand.

To him this world need be muted,

And in the Word must he be rooted

I pray him faith in You a-growing

And his sins he not be towing.

I’d love for a man to love me

The way you intended it to be.

And for me to love him,

Sincerely, without the deceit of sin.

Father God, if it is Your will,

May I have a husband still?

Only if he is in Your plan

Otherwise single will I stand.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

A Very Bad Week!

I admit I’m behind on my blogs, but for good reason. I’ll tell you my story from a couple of weeks ago. In one week’s time everything that could, went wrong. First, I was in a car accident. So, I have a rental for a month, while they fix my van. I also had to spend a lot of time on the phone with Allstate getting the insurance issues settled. Then Hannah was sick all that week and stayed home from school. I was able to go to class, but didn’t get my studying done. Then my AC in the house stopped cooling for 2 days during that same week. I had to call a repair man. Then I had to go to Dr’s appointments to prepare for my surgery the following week, and of course was nervous about the upcoming surgery. Then that weekend, Hannah started acting out behaviorally. She was NOT herself. It was to the point that she made me cry. I also had an oral presentation to prepare for grad school, which is very stressful for me. In addition, I found out that my X deceptively allowed his girlfriend and her daughter to come to Hannah’s birthday party over the weekend (the one he threw for her). The last we had spoken about this, it was agreed that Hannah would NOT see her until Hannah is cleared by a child psychologist. Apparently, he had gone to a counselor, himself, who had Okayed it. And the counselor didn’t see any reason he should tell me this. I was irate!

I’ve realized that no matter what I do or how I feel, he is going to find a way to get his OWN needs met. I’m just going to have to accept that this woman is going to be a part of Hannah’s life whether I like it or not. He is in denial that it is negatively affecting Hannah. The counselor is basically saying that Hannah needs to accept that this is her new reality and live with it, even if it hurts her. I continue to leave my child in the hands of my Lord and trust that He will protect her. But at the same time, this caused extra stress for me during this traumatic week.

I knew that this was just one of those BAD weeks that everyone has. I knew that “this, too, shall pass.” But that didn’t make it any easier to go through. I was beyond stressed! I just had to make it through…but how? I studied while Hannah napped that weekend. I even studied some while she was awake, not being able to do much fun with her that Saturday. She was supposed to go to a drop off birthday party, but refused, unless I would go with her. I would have loved to go, but HAD to study! I just didn’t have a choice at that point.

Sunday, I was so thankful that my good friend took Hannah to church with her, while I skipped church to do my homework for the next day. I did survive this terrible, horrible, no good week!!! I gave my presentation, and I think it wasn’t too bad. Hannah was able to go to school the next week. Her mood improved. I stayed healthy for surgery, which I was concerned about with Hannah being so sick. I AC was not a big deal, easy to fix. Even though, it was difficult to go through, God worked out the solutions. I may have felt like drowning, but He kept my head above water the whole time….even if just barely.

Now, I just had my surgery and all went well. I’m recovering. I’ve done a lot of my studying for this week. My mom came to take care of me for a few days, which was GREAT! Hannah stayed with her dad, for the most part. It’s been nice spending some time with my mom. My life should be getting back on track now after a very tough interlude. I’m glad it’s over! I know that God will never give me more than I can handle. I’m thankful that He’s always teaching me and looking out for me. I’m thankful that last week is OVER! On to better things!!!