Sunday, August 29, 2010

Acceptance of the Inevitable

The X had Hannah all last weekend and took her to Blizzard Beach in Orlando. To my surprise, she came back talking about his new girlfriend and her daughter (5 yrs). Apparently, they had spent every day with the X and Hannah throughout the weekend. She lives in Orlando, but comes to visit him down here frequently. Hannah informed me that she’s met them down here before. I was SHOCKED that he was having our daughter meet another woman so soon. Not only that, but he had lied about it.

After a week of meditating on all of this, I have come to a point of acceptance. I figure, at least he’s just with one woman instead of several casual ones. I’ve decided to start praying for both of them. I pray that she is kind to Hannah and learns to love her as her own daughter, who is about the same age. Will the relationship last, I don’t know. But I do know he’s posted photos of her on facebook, which I’ve seen. That seems pretty serious. I’ve been praying that she’ll be a good role model for Hannah, as a mother figure. I know, for now, she’s only seen as a friend of her daddy’s. But I’m guessing that may soon change.

Hannah had a good time over that weekend with her daddy, and for that I can be thankful. She was not harmed. I’ve thought about talking or writing to the X about what I know, but what will that help? He’s not going to change anything just because I said so. I had already told him, “Under NO circumstances do you let any of your women around Hannah.” Did he listen? NO!

Someone told me I should ask to meet this woman, or anyone else spending time with our daughter. I know I’m not ready for that yet, nor do I know if it’s a good move…still thinking about that. I know I can’t be the one to tell her what my X really did to me. I can’t be at fault for a break-up, or he will resent me forever. It’s not worth it. She’ll have to be on her own, I suppose, even though that’s against every bone in my body. If I was her, I certainly would want to know what my boyfriend did to his previous WIFE! But I’ve been told not to get involved. The only reason I would have for meeting her is to just get to know her for Hannah’s sake.

After a week of meditating on what happened last weekend, I am in a better place. I’m over it! God is so good, as He always heals my wounds quickly.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

No One to Go To

Hannah’s daddy took her to Orlando for the weekend to go to Blizzard Beach. This is the first time he’s taken her on any kind of “vacation” without me. Of course, he brought his sister along to care for Hannah.

I think it’s great that he’s spending quality time with her and making memories together. However, she came home telling me how he left her in the room with his sister to go down to the pool ALONE saying, “Only adults can go in the pool right now.” Basically this means he met up with the woman he has up there, which he’s been driving up every other weekend to see. No, I don’t have proof, but it’s pretty obvious to me. He’s not going to go up to Orlando without “meeting” up with her. His addiction won’t allow it.

I just feel so sick deep down in my gut, just thinking about he’s even doing this on Hannah’s time! I’m sure this is the only reason he brought his sister, so she can be the sitter.

Ok, I know this shouldn’t concern me as long as it doesn’t concern Hannah. But I can’t seem to let it go. I wish I could say I don’t care what he does with his personal time. But it still hurts. How long will I have to remember the pain? How long will these things bother me? Will it ever end? I’m in bondage. It makes me so angry when he lies to me and makes up excuses. Thank GOD I’m no longer married to this man!!! I’m so sad that he will always be Hannah’s father. I wanted better for her.

In the meantime, while I’m feeling all this pain, I don’t have anyone to talk to. I just don’t want to always interrupt the lives of my friends. They’ve been so good to me through everything. But they have families and busy lives. I don’t want to be a bother. So, for tonight, I think I will suffer in silence. It’ll be a better day tomorrow. Besides, I have my dog and cat. They are the BEST therapy!!!

A New Hobby

I tried karaoke for the first time this weekend. I love to sing, but am very shy. Believe it or not, I got up there 3 times, as a result of peer pressure!!! I met a lot of new friends and got to sing. It was great! I never realized that adults could go out and have fun without being consumed with smoke and alcohol, which is one reason I never go out. I was out until 4 am!!!! Ya, I couldn’t believe it, either. Everyone went to my friend’s house after to hang out. I had such a good time, that I went again the next night with a girlfriend of mine, different restaurant. I didn’t get up the nerve to sing that night. There were a lot of people!

Going out on the weekend made me feel young again. I think this is something healthy for me that I’ll keep doing. It’s good to get out and have some fun, as grownups, something I haven’t done in years. Plus, I met a lot of new friends.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

No Expectations

As an update on my last blog, I’m still “talking” to this man. But when he asked to meet somewhere, I thought it was time to make my intentions clear. I told him that I’m not ready for a relationship and this will have to stay as just friends, but I’m ok meeting with him with that understanding. Turns out, he’s ok with that. Now, I don’t know if he’s really happy about it, or if he’s going to “wait” for me to be ready. But either way, he knows where I stand.

Getting this out gives me such a sense of relief! I feel like I can chat with him or even meet with him, knowing there are no expectations for things to go further than they should. I think it’s pretty neat to have a guy friend. One girlfriend said it this way, “It’s important to have some transition friends of the opposite sex before entering into a relationship or dating.” So, this is my first transitional friendship. I hope to learn something about men from him.

In the mean time, it’s nice to have someone to text back and forth with. It’s nice to have someone pay me complements. He’s always making me blush! I find myself wanting to talk to this new friend. He makes me feel good about myself. I’m excited to receive a text! Finally, there is a man who WANTS to spend time with me and talk with me. I guess, in a way, I needed this….and it’s SAFE, now that I made my intentions clear.

You may be thinking, “She’s falling for this guy.” Nope, that’s not the case. First, he’s 15 yrs older than me.  Second, I’m not ready for a relationship, and I know that. I’m looking at this as a friendship ONLY. This is part of my learning process.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Letting Testosterone Back In

I’ve been praying that God will not allow anyone “interesting” into my life until I am ready. I haven’t gone looking for men to fill any void. Really, I haven’t even been interested in the opposite sex. But what about friendship? Is it possible to be “just friends” with a man, a single man?

This weekend, I spent some time talking on the phone with a man I met before summer. At first I avoided the communication, made me nervous. Then with his persistence, I decided that there’s nothing wrong with just talking. There must be SOME reason God is allowing us to “talk”.

Two and a half hours later and at 2 in the morning, I realized I had spent the night on the phone like some teenager! I’m NOT a night owl! But I enjoyed the conversation. This is so new to me. I even feel guilty, which I know I shouldn’t. I didn’t do anything wrong. I would never talk like that with a man when I was married, but I’m not married. But I still feel married sometimes. Does that make any since? Is it possible to be too loyal? Maybe I’m just a creature of habit and can’t get past the since of loyalty to my X.

I must admit, it feels really good to have someone’s attention, to know that someone cares about me, not that it’s that way. Just the fact that he wanted to talk with me felt good. My X hated talking with me about anything. He didn’t even like being around me unless he was getting sex. We won’t get into that!

Anyway, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. I know I’m not ready for a relationship. It’s only been 4 mos since my divorce was final, but I’ve been separated for a year. I know I am still vulnerable. I’m not looking at this “friendship” as any more than just that….a friendship. But what if HE wants more? The last thing I want to do is lead him on or hurt him. How do I make it clear that a friendship is all I’m looking for? Can a man and woman even be just friends?

I know I shouldn’t worry so much, but this all makes me very nervous! Am I enjoying the attention too much? Is that healthy for me in this stage of the “process”? I figure, if anything, I might be able to learn something from this friendship about men. I’ve been out of the game for so long. It’s nice to have a guy that I can talk to and hang out with without any expectations.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

One Year Since My Life Fell Apart

Has it been one year already? I’m feeling it, as my emotions run very sensitive this week. My life fell apart one year ago this week. A year ago, I can’t even explain the suffering I was going through. It pains me to look back, but I can’t help myself. I don’t want to feel that pain ever again, and yet, I feel it just thinking about it.

I’m so thankful that I’ve come such a long way since then. We separated a year ago, and the divorce was final 4 months ago. So much has changed in only one year. I am in a better place now, yet this week has brought me down. It’s funny how emotions can just have a mind of their own sometimes.

I feel so angry, so hurt. You know, my X is basically openly talking about his “affairs” now. It’s like he doesn’t even NEED to hide it anymore. He tells me that his private life is his business and it's none of my business. He says I should RESPECT his choices. Are you kidding me?!?!?! There is NOTHING respectable about his choices! Then as I get heated with anger, he dares to say that he is praying for me. UGH! That’s like a slap in the face. He’s so full of it! He’s so fake! That just burns me up! His prayers to God are hindered by his sin. How can one have a personal relationship with Christ, and live such and obviously sinful life? I just wanted to say, “Don’t bother praying for me. God’s not listening to your prayers, anyway.”

Ok, obviously I’m upset. I’m venting. So, whoever is reading…thank you for listening. I’m basically a raving lunatic tonight, who doesn’t make any since. I can tell that this isn’t going to be one of my better, more helpful, blogs. I’m not making very Godly decisions. I shouldn’t respond in anger. God forgive me, for I have sinned!

I think the best thing for me to do is to dig into God’s word and ask for wisdom and peace. I also think it may help to pray for my X. I do pray for him, but for our relationship, that I will stop allowing him to take away my joy….that we’ll get to a place where we can be in the same room together without any bitterness…that we’ll be able to talk kindly in front of Hannah. He just makes me sick right now. But I think that also has to do with this week, this anniversary week. So many memories that I don’t care to recall are coming to mind every time I look at the calendar or just think about it.

Ok, I’m feeling a little better now. I took a short break to vent to my faithful friend. That always helps. I pray that tomorrow is a better day.

Monday, August 9, 2010

Divorce Rate on the Rise

Today I watched two young girls for a friend of mine. Turns out she, too, is going through a divorce. Then later today, I found out that another friend of mine with a little girl and two older boys is also going through a divorce. Now, I just feel so down. Why is this happening? Isn’t marriage supposed to be FOREVER?!?!?! Marriage used to be sacred. What happened to those days when men took care of their wives and children, instead of thinking only of themselves?

Is a good marriage even possible these days? What are newlyweds to expect? Do they risk starting a family together knowing that divorce is likely in their future? I surely don’t know many happily married couples with kids, myself. Are they out there?

My grandparents are my marriage mentors. My grandpa is turning 94 next month, and my grandma is 86 yrs old. They are still together, and still walk hand in hand. They finish each other’s sentences. They have grown closer with time. It wasn’t always easy for them, but divorce was not an option for them. They had to make it work. Having young children is hard, and they had 4 under the age of 5 yrs old!!! My grandpa was a Methodist Minister, which didn’t bring in much money. Yes, they had it hard! We all have it hard, but we have to work together to get through those hard times. That’s marriage….it’s team work! Is that so hard to understand?

What’s going to happen to this generation of children, who are raised by single moms? What kind of marriages are they expected to have? What is Hannah going to say when she finds out what her father did to us? How will that affect her? What will she think when she knows how selfish he was, as he sacrificed his family for filth? My heart breaks for children like her. They deserve so much more! They deserve a 2-parent family who loves them. It’s just not fair!!! They are so innocent in all of this. Why must they suffer for the sins of one or both parents? Their job is to protect their children, not to harm them. I just feel sick as I ponder this….SICK!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

To Have Someone

Written:  8-3-10

As I sit out hear at my cabin in Colorado enjoying the beauty all around me, I ponder certain things. It would be nice to have someone, a husband, to share this experience with. Although, Hannah and I have fared just fine on our own. I can’t help but think…could there be more? Could there be someone out there that will one day join his life to mine? Will there be one summer when I will have someone special to share this with, someone to explore with, other than Hannah…of course?

Don’t get me wrong, Hannah has become quite the outdoor girl. She is hiking like a pro at 4 yrs old! She’s come a long way since last summer. Even my Yorkie, Sasha, has impressed me with how well she’s doing out here. These are my companions, and they are great! But could there be more to my story? I’d like to think there is, but I try not to hope too much. I try to be content with where I am right now.

For Hannah I feel the same thing. For now, I am her playmate. But might there be a sibling in her future, someone whom she can play with and share her life with? I know that would be best for her, especially when we travel to a place like this where there are no other kids to play with…all the time. Her 3 yr old cousin was here last week, which was great, but she has only me this week. It would be so nice to send the “kids” outside to play for a while.

It’s also very cold here. There’s a fire burning in the fireplace. We roast hotdogs and smores over an open fire. What could be more romantic! This makes me think of how it would feel to be in the arms of a man again. In 11 days it will have been a year since my X moved out. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt a man’s arms around me. I’ve been fine without having a man in my life, but I can’t help but desire more. Why is that? Why can’t I just be ME? Why do I desire having a man in my life after what the last one did to me? How could I even think of it?

Right now, I don’t have much hope for finding a decent enough man to marry, again. I really don’t know if such a man exists these days, in my generation. This is a sad thought, but with computers, porn is way too easy to access. It corrupts men when they get hooked. It starts out as something “innocent” where curiosity gets the best of them. But before they know it, they can’t stop going back to it. It’s a disease. How can you express to a man the importance of avoiding it all together?

The other thought I’ve pondered is, “How will I know when I’m ready?” Having these desires doesn’t mean that I’m ready to date. I guess I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I get there. So far, I haven’t had the opportunity arise, anyway. Frankly, I don’t know many single men at my age. I figure, if they’re in the 30s or 40s and single, why aren’t they married? There must be something wrong with them, right? All the good men are already snatched up by now. If they’re single, they’re probably divorced. The last thing I need is someone else with baggage. Then I wonder, why are the divorced? Either they didn’t make the effort to make their marriage work or they cheated on their wife. I don’t want any of those, either.

Could I be lucky enough to find a widower at my age? That’s a sad thought, but at least the end of the marriage wouldn’t have been his fault. I wouldn’t mind taking someone else’s kids in, either. In fact, that would be ideal! By the time I remarry, how will I provide Hannah with a proper playmate close enough to her age? The only way will be to gain someone else’s child who may be around her age. But then, will there be visitation issues with that child’s parents, as well? Boy, life sure is complicated! This is just one more reason God HATES divorce.

On another subject, I was talking to a friend out here, from another cabin. He asked, “Do you still love your X? You wouldn’t still take him back, would you?” I was surprised that I had such a hard time answering him. It’s amazing how strong the bond of marriage is, at least for me. I almost cried as I tried to answer. I wanted to say, “No way, jose!” But I couldn’t. I think of the story of the Periodical Son. He left his family and took half of his father’s money. He was gone for years living a frivolous lifestyle until he spent all of his money. I believe it was then when he probably hit “rock bottom”. They say, a person on the wrong path may stay on that path until they reach that point, where there’s nowhere to look but up. This is when they cry to the Lord like the son did with his father. And what did the father do? Did he turn his back on his son, who had gone astray? No! His father had been waiting, hoping his son would return. When he saw his son walking towards him, he ran to embrace him. He clothed him and threw a party! He welcomed him back to the family as if he had never left. This is a picture of what God does for us, when we go astray. He’s always waiting for our return with open arms. Is this how I am supposed to be with my X? Will he ever realize his evil ways and want return to us? Would I be able to receive him, the way God would?

In a way, that is the best case scenario, if he was to truly change. It would be best for Hannah to have her parents together…to be a family. This is why I gave my X 6 months to change, but he didn’t show any change. He was not repentant and didn’t seem remorseful. In fact, I found after the divorce that he was still active in that lifestyle. He never planned to change. He didn’t get help for his addiction. Would it be possible for him to one day come to realize the HUGE mistake he’s made? I can’t imagine him ever reaching that point. But it would be ideal. He would have a VERY long way to go!!! I guess all things are possible with God, but I’m not going to wait around for that miracle to occur. That boat has sailed!

However, whenever I hear sermons on forgiveness, I can’t help but think about this scenario. Anything is possible. If my X was to really make the necessary change, would I take him back? That’s a scary thought, indeed. Well, I guess that’s another bridge I will cross when I get to it….if I get to it. I guess the answer to my friend’s question is, “Yes, I think deep down, I will always love my X.” Is that wrong? It makes my eyes leak to even write this. I don’t want to feel anything for him. I want to be rid of all feelings for him. I want to detach. I feel so sad thinking about it, so I choose to avoid those thoughts. Is that wise? I just don’t want to hurt anymore, especially on HIS account. He’s done enough damage. He chose his addiction over his family.

Missing Her Daddy

Written 7-28-10

Hannah mentions missing her daddy everyday, more often when she’s tired. I have discovered, however, that she’s much better if she gets to talk to him on the phone more frequently. Fortunately, I have cell phone signal up at Lover’s Leap, where we can make calls. There are no phone lines at the cabin. I can send text messages when hiking in some areas in the canyon, but not at our cabin. So, we really are…unplugged here.

Last year, Hannah and I made this same trip out to Colorado, but I don’t remember her missing her daddy so much. Of course, we weren’t separated yet at that time. I expect she’s more insecure now. It’s hard to say, though, if it’s just manipulation when she’s crying for Daddy or if she really does miss him that much. She can use that trick to get out of sleeping, because I’m so unsure how to react to this behavior. I certainly don’t want to punish her insecurity, but at the same time, she has a bed time. She finds all sorts of excuses to get past that bedtime.

So, for now, I’ll make more of an effort to enable her to talk with him as often as possible and hope to avoid another episode like the other day. That was a nightmare! If it was for me, I would just make him suffer and only call when we go into town. But, for Hannah, I must make sacrifices and include him in her life as much as possible. It surely isn’t easy!

It is true that divorce is easier when there are not children involved, but I must say, I am very thankful that I have Hannah, even though the marriage between her father and I ended in divorce. She is my companion in all that I do. I can’t imagine being out here at the cabin all alone. I would much rather be out here with her. I’m happy that I have her to share my life with, since I don’t have anyone else.

It isn’t easy having to share time and worry about who pays for what, but I thank God for that little girl everyday! You know, when I was a youth, I used to say that I didn’t ever care to get married. I just wanted a child. Well, I guess you can say I have exactly that! Men are so complicated. Is it possible that I don’t even need one? So far, that’s the case. Will I ever desire the companionship that only a man can give? I don’t know. In a way, I desire that now, but in the future, that might just fade. I certainly will not be making any sacrifices on my “list” that makes a man marriageable this time. It’s just not worth it! He’s going to be all or NOTHING. At this point, I can’t imagine any man having everything it will take to be my husband. Are there good men out there? That has yet to be seen. So far, I haven’t seen it. Of course, I expect I’d have to let a man in enough to find out. I’m not there yet.

Next month will be one year since our separation. That’s hard to believe that it’s been a year already. Time flies. I’m so thankful that God has brought me through it. I sure am at a healthier place now than I was then. I think back to last July when I didn’t have a clue what he was up to. Last summer was his busiest time up to that point that I could see on paper. And I was oblivious. I feel like such a fool. Then I remember that God opened my eyes at exactly the time He intended. For some reason, He was waiting to show me what my husband really was. But at the same time, God was protecting me from so much. He protected me from disease, which is a miracle…considering! He timed my discoveries to August, which meant Hannah could start school the following week, which gave me free time to figure out what I was going to do and regroup. It would not have been healthy for her to see me that way. As expected, I was a mess during that time. I remember laying in bed, forgetting to breath wondering why I was even alive. It felt like my whole life had just ended. I didn’t see any other life, at the time.

But look at me now. Everything worked out, thanks to God. He truly worked every detail out for me. He prepared a way for me. This August when Hannah goes back to school, I will start Grad School. My life is starting again. It’s just different now, better, in fact. I’m so thankful that God rescued me from that man. I didn’t realize how trapped I was. I was running in circles and getting no where. Now, I’m able to grow. Hannah and I will bloom together right wear God plants us. It’s going to be a good life. God will make a way, where there seems to be no way!!! He did it for me.

Our Vacation to Colorado

Written July 25, 2010
Colorado is one of those places I’ve always loved to go. We went almost every summer as kids. I took my X to the family cabin there, while dating. He never went again. It’s just too rustic for him. I think it’s sad that some people are so spoiled with their luxurious lives that they can’t enjoy the simple pleasures.

The cabin is 50 yrs old. My grandpa built him entirely by himself. It is a treasure, in the most beautiful place. There is a stream that trickles past. There are tall pine trees surrounding the cabin. The cabin sits at the bottom of a cliff. There are only 50 cabins in the whole canyon. Ours was one of the first. We really do have the best lot, I think. You can’t see another cabin from ours. You can hear the chirps of the hummingbirds outside fighting over the feeder I put out for them. It’s near 50 at night and near 70 during the day. There is not a sound around that doesn’t come from nature.

I can’t imagine a more peaceful place. I sit by the fire and ponder how amazing our God is to form such beauty. I’m so thankful that he’s given us this place, that we can come to and just unplug from the world. There are no phones, no TV, no internet. It is rustic. I think it’s important for people to leave their busy lives once in a while to remember what it’s like to slow down and just….be. Become one with nature. Don’t depend all the time on being entertained with the newest gadget. Chop your own firewood. There is no heat or insulation here. I am wearing a short sleeved shirt with a sweatshirt and am sitting by the fire and am still chilled. I need another cup of hot tea!

We look forward to some great adventures while out here for the next two weeks. Right hear in the canyon we can go on numerous hiking trails. One is about 3 miles up to a meadow in the middle of an aspen grove. Another is up the other side of the canyon to the summit, where you can see beautiful scenic views of the surrounding mountains. You must be on alert, though, there are bears and mountain lions out here. They’ve never caused a problem though. In fact, I’ve never seen either one. I did hear a lion in a cave I was about to go into, though. Needless to say, I didn’t stick around to see her. I believe she was protecting cubs.

You can also drive about 20 min down the mountain into a town called LaVeta. It is very slow paced, a small town. We enjoy visiting the local convenient store, Charlie’s, where we eat ice cream and buy groceries. There is a library, where we may go on a rainy day to find books for Hannah and internet access for me. J

Yes, we’re living it up! I hope you all take some time to just…be. It’s healthy. There are no worries here!