This fall, I’ve started back to Grad School. The difference is that I was only offered night and weekend courses!!! This is really hard on a single mom, who always wants to be available to her daughter! I hate that I’m forced to depend on her dad to keep her, so I can be in class 2 weekends out of every month. The other problem is that I don’t get weekends to myself anymore. I either have Hannah or I’m in class. However, her dad rarely kept her on weekends, anyway.
The other transition is that his finace and her daughter moved down here from Orlando. So, Hannah’s dad had been driving up to visit them every weekend. Now, he brings Hannah along when he’s with them on his weekends. After the traumatic experience Hannah had with this other child, I have been a nervous MESS, having difficulty even concentrating on being in class on his weekends!
I feel so helpless, as I can’t determine how he spends his time with Hannah or who they spend time with. I don’t know these people. All I do know is BAD. How can any mother relax and trust that she’ll be fine. Well, I’ve been praying A LOT! I started with praying for God to give me peace. I prayed that He would take the burden of her care off of me and handle it himself. That wasn’t working!!!! I still wanted to protect her and be involved. SO, I then started not only praying for peace, but for WISDOM! See, I had been getting very angry with the X when he would go against my will with regards to Hannah. I knew that I had to let go of the control. I knew in my mind that God could handle caring for her in my stead, but I couldn’t let go and let GOD.
But now, I need to not focus so much on reacting with my emotions, but with WISDOM. My wise friend reminded me that it’s best to keep my friends close and my enemies closer. How was I to accomplish this by lashing out in anger. It also helped that my stress level was down in other areas of my life. But I was able to find my peace. I still miss her dearly when she’s away 3 nights in a row! This is like an eternity to me! But I have found that trust in God, that He is able….all by himself. Really, He doesn’t need my help.