Friday, August 30, 2013

The Long Weekend Apart

Hannah left Thursday night with her dad to return Sunday, his girlfriend and her mom to Orlando for 3 nights.  She tells me he is taking her to Blizzard Beach, Epcot and Cirque du Soliel's La Nuba show.  She has been very excited!  But me?  Not so much.  It is very hard for me to be away from Hannah for 3 nights.  That is very rare!  The longest I've ever parted from her was for 5 days when I went to Kansas to visit my aging grandmother by myself.  It was difficult, but I am so thankful to have had that special time with her, since she passed this year.  I miss her so much, but that's a different blog.  LOL!  

Missing her isn't my only issue.  There is also that fact that he is teaching her that it's OK for people to spend the night with their significant other before marriage.  I hope he will sleep in a separate room from his girlfriend!!!  But if he doesn't, there is nothing I can do.  He has allowed Hannah to spend the night at his girlfriend's house with him before.  When I found out, I flipped out!  I called and told him how I felt, in vain.  I had to work very hard to remain calm, as I was pretty angry on the inside.  I think he knew I was upset, but I didn't yell.  My voice was probably pretty shaky, if anything.  I told him how I felt it was inappropriate for Hannah to spend the night with him and his girlfriend.  I told him how it is not Biblical.  He simply said that he disagreed with me and will do what he chooses.  He didn't see any wrong in it.  I pleaded with him, begged him!!!  She is my daughter, and I don't approve!  Out of respect for the mother of his daughter he should submit, but he still wouldn't budge.  

This is the hardest part, accepting what I can not change.  Legally, I have no grounds to fight this.  As long as they aren't having sex in front of her, they can do what they want.  So, this is just one more time that I had to give up my little girl into God's loving hands.  I have to let it go.  I'm not happy about it, but there is nothing I can do.  I have to trust that God will protect my little girl, in spite of her father's choices.  

So, as my sweet girl is vacationing with her dad and his girlfriend, I give her up into God's care.  I pray for her safety and that she'll have a fantastic time.  As I think of her constantly, I refrain from calling too much, because I don't want her to worry about Mommy left home missing her, which I know she does.  She worries about me.  I want her to focus on having fun with her dad, something that is very important for a little girl.  He doesn't do a whole lot of fun outings with Hannah, maybe catching a movie here or there.  So, this is an important trip for her.  She needs this.  I want her to value her father, because I know how important that is for a little girl.  How she views her father will affect how she chooses and treats her spouse later in life.  

As of now, she doesn't think very highly of her dad.  She talks very bad about him and often doesn't want to go with him on his nights.  I try to encourage her and build him up in her eyes.  As you can imagine, this is NOT an easy task for me after all that he's done to me.  If it was up to me, I'd never see or hear from this man again!  If it wasn't for me, she would not want any relationship at all with him.  She's already on the verge of that.  But I am constantly encouraging her to give him a chance and bringing up the positive aspects he has.  

So, here I am, missing my baby, knowing she's so far away.  It's good for me to have this time to myself.  It's good for her to be separated from Mommy for a few days.  That doesn't make it easy.  I will have to go to church without her on Sunday, which is the hardest part.  I really don't like going to church without her!  She is my family.  I feel so alone.  But thankfully, I have friends who allow me into their family when I'm there alone.  I hope to start forming more deeper relationship with the women in the church now that I'm out of school  I hope to get more involved.  A season has ended and a new season has begun.

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

God allowed me to see what it's like to be in a relationship again.  He gave me a glimpse of what a good man looks like, that they are still out there.  I have no regrets.  We knew each other for 6 months before it had to end.  A friend introduced us, which was really nice.  We were friends for 3 months before taking the next step.  For 4 months, I had a real boyfriend.  I believe he was in my life to help me to heal in a way I could never do by myself.  I was able to learn to trust a man again.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable.  He was there to protect me and take care of me.  He was my companion for a time.

Sadly, it had to end, not due to either of us, but due to his ex.  She was persistent on making his life miserable by hurting those around him.  In the process, she hurt her own daughter worse of all and continues to do so.  It is more than I can bare to take on someone else's ex drama.  The Lord knows I have enough of my own!  

I'm thankful, though, for the strength God gave us to remain pure during our relationship.  This made a break up much more bearable.  I can see how that emotional bond could make a couple stay together for the wrong reasons.  I also learned that a man CAN wait, as he has.  Now I know for a fact if someone pushes me, they aren't worthy of me.  

I'm left wondering now, as I sit alone, will I ever meet that special someone who God has for me?  Will I meet him in time to be able to have a family with him?  I guess those are questions that can not be answered.  I just have to trust that God's plan is the best possible plan.  I also wonder if I could possibly find a man with little to no baggage at this age.  I figure, I'll have to wait for a widower, sadly.  The options I see are, they have never been married, which makes me wonder…what's wrong with him???  Or they are divorced, which means either they have issues or their ex does, both of which would affect me.  There will likely be other kids involved, which also causes complications with the blended family situation.  

But…that's all in the future.  One step at a time.  For now, I'm alone and single once again.  I became good at it, so I can do it again.  I will miss the companionship of having "someone".  I will miss all that he did for me…mowing, trimming, washing, cooking, any hard work that needed to be done.  He never wanted me to over exert myself.  Now, I'll be back to doing it all.  But I can do it, as I've done before.  

The funny thing, is my relationship fell, but I'm OK.  I feel peace.  I know the Lord is protecting me.  I have prayed that God would give me clarity to know where to go with this relationship.  I prayed for Him to lead me to do all things His way, and not my own.  Well, God made it clear that this season has ended.  It was clear that there is no future for us, as I can no longer be around his daughter.  I told him if he has to choose between me or her, he must choose her.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  Being a parent is the most important job God can possibly give a person, I believe.  He must fight for his child.  I feel bad, because I can escape this woman's wrath, but he's trapped.  She will not stop till she hurts him and everyone he cares about.  I feel sorry for the innocent child, who is being brainwashed and taught to lie and who knows what else.  

I believe that God has a purpose even in this.  We just have to have faith and trust in His will.  We need to be still and wait upon Him to show us our path.  It's just that our paths are now separate.  So, once again, I'm alone and single.  I'm sad, but OK.  I trust that God has a plan for me still.  I will wait for it!