Wednesday, July 21, 2010

After Some Thought

It’s been a difficult week. Hannah and I leave town for Colorado for 2 weeks this Sat. Yet, my X chose not to spend last weekend with her. He only sees her every other weekend now, since he found a job. Instead, he chose to leave town to live up his “double life”. He chose his sickness over his daughter! It will have been a MONTH since he had a weekend with her, when he finally gets her again.

I feel sick deep down in my gut. I feel disgusted with him. She wanted to see him, and he was “unavailable” as he put it. She called him Sat, obviously interrupting. She asked a lot of questions about where he was and who he was with. He stumbled all over his words trying to make up an answer. I believe she could tell he was lying to her. It was so pitiful to listen in. The thought of him makes me physically ill.

This week, I’ve held a lot of bitterness. I know that is wrong, but I can’t help it. I’ve been deep in prayer that I’ll be able to let this go. Why does this bother me so much? He can tell that I’ve been short with him this weekend, but I’ve refrained from telling him why. If I tell him it’s about his affairs last weekend, he’ll just get all defensive and we’ll fight. Besides, he’s right. It’s none of my business. Then why does it hurt so badly!?!?!?!?! I don’t want to feel anything anymore.

So, I’ve been tough on him this week. He called Mon night after work wanting Hannah that night. I told him, NO. He must make arrangements in advance if he wants to see her. So, I’m giving him Wed night, by his request. But he also wanted Fri night. We leave early Sat morning, so I refused. So, it wanted to take her to dinner Fri night. I refused again, stating that he gets home too late from work and she must be in bed by 8pm. Then he asked if he could just come by to see her. I refused yet again, saying that I didn’t want him in my house or anywhere around me. At that point, he got angry and told me that it wasn’t right for me to keep Hannah away from him the day before we leave for 2 wks.

After some thought and counsel from a really good friend, I realized he was right. What if he was taking Hannah away for two weeks? I would want to see Hannah the day before she leaves. So, how do we work this out? My brilliant friend came up with him taking Hannah quickly for ice cream after work. So, this was my offer under one condition. She must be back home by 7 pm, so she can take her bath and be in bed by 8 pm.

I knew I might have been responding out of anger. I’m sure deep inside, I wanted to punish him for his choices. But is this the right thing to do….even if it subconsciously? That’s why it’s important, when going through something so emotional like this, to talk to your friends about decisions you’ve made. It’s important to have objective accountability partners who have like minds. I’m very thankful that my friend set me straight. I definitely couldn’t do it alone. And I even felt better after writing him a short email explaining my new decision, after some thought. It wasn’t what I wanted to do. But it was the right thing to do.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Feeling Empowered

I have gotten to the point where I do just about everything myself. I mow, trim trees with my pole chain saw, fix my sprinklers, clean my house, and laundry. I fixed my own garage door, without having to call a repair man. I remodeled my daughter’s room in 3 days. It went from nursery to a princess paradise! I’ve been hanging framed pics of Hannah. I have curtain hardware to hang. There isn’t anything I can’t do. I feel so empowered. My house stays clean, which I wasn’t sure was possible with our busy lives. But I’ve managed. Do keep in mind that I have come from a very different lifestyle in marriage. I had a housekeeper come ever week. A company mowed my lawn and did all trimmings. Any time something broke, a repair man was called.

And even though I am responsible for all this, I still have time to spend with my precious treasure, Hannah. Yes, life is good, even though I have to do a lot more labor work around the house. I’m thankful that God has given me the strength and motivation to accomplish so many things that many women would never attempt. I feel empowered! I don’t need a man or a lot of money! I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me! Jesus is the ONLY husband I will ever need. I’m so blessed…

Over It...or NOT?

It’s been a particularly difficult weekend. Just when I thought I was doing really well on my own, grief hits once again. I discovered my X’s plans to have an “eventful” get-away this weekend, if you know what I mean. I try to tell myself, “He’s not my husband. It shouldn’t bother me. His lifestyle is his business.” But that knot deep in my gut won’t go away. I’m just disgusted with the thought of what he’s doing. This is the father of MY child! How could he behave like this? And this is the same kinds of stuff he did while we were married, while I was home caring for our daughter.

I can’t even imagine dating, myself, let alone doing the kinds of things HE’s doing! How can someone I married be so shallow? Someone used the word “JERK”. I think that’s being nice. Plus, he chose to go away this weekend knowing that Hannah and I leave town for 2 wks next weekend. It will have been a month since he’d spent any time with her. But he didn’t even care. He loves his sickness more than his daughter….so sad.

He also got a job, so he doesn’t see Hannah much during the week now. We are on an every other weekend schedule.  Since then, Hannah doesn’t even ask for him anymore. She’s grown used to not seeing him anymore. I expect this will get more and more common.

I’m thankful for the time I have with her. I just know the importance of a good father-daughter relationship. I fear how his behavior may affect her. But I know that God is in control, and he will protect her from all of this.  In the mean time, I pray that God will help me to separate my heart from his affairs.  I don't want to feel anything anymore...having to do with him.