Monday, February 22, 2010

Reflecting on a Rainy Day

As I reflect on this rainy day, it reminds me of how I feel. I have been under a cloud for the last week. I can't seem to get above it as much as a pray and read scripture. Saturday I tried to distract myself with hard work in the garden, much needed. I laid 15 bags of mulch after pulling all the weeds and trimming with my neighbor's electric hedge trimmer. That was a first! I planted some new cheery flowers. I fixed all the sprinklers and landscape lighting. It was a lot of work and I HURT from head to toe! My arms are all scratched up. I think I need longer gloves for this.

It worked as a temporary distraction, but I fell back into the darkness. I suppose God can even have a plan for my mood, but I pray that He will change my attitude. My gloom started when my husband stabbed me in the back yet again. I feel deceived all over again. He hired a lawyer using MY credit card!!! I haven't even paid my own lawyer, because I didn't want to use credit. I have been filled with anger over this, but trying my BEST to not act on my feelings. I must confess I did do some yelling, which I apologized to my husband for and asked God for forgiveness. Anger is normal, but acting based on anger is a sin. I am a sinner just like the next person.

I've also started scrapbooking again in hopes of getting caught up. I am a year behind, which means I must go back to those old pictures showing my husband pretending to be a family. It has been very painful to put photos of him in the albums, but I realize I must for Hannah. He's her Daddy and he was there. But those pictures of him are VERY SMALL, purposely! Seeing those pictures reminds me of what he was up to behind my back. It reminds me of the pain he caused. It forces me to wonder and imagine. I just can't bear the thought of seeing MY HUSBAND doing these things. And then he was in church during that time every week doing the Power Point presentation. He truly lived a double life.

On the other hand, I'm trying to forget the past and move on with my life. I'm trying to accept life as it is and live it to the fullest to glorify God. He does have a plan in all of this, but I have difficulty getting beyond my human nature to feel sorrow. I expect this will be a constant battle in the months to come, especially through the divorce proceedings. God be with me!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

And So My Blog-Life Begins

And so it begins, a new chapter in the life of Jessica Abou. This isn't what I signed up for, but I guess God had other plans. My husband and I had been married 8 yrs when my world was turned upside down. Last August 2009 I discovered that my husband had been living a double life. The life I knew included our 3 yr old daughter, a nice home, nice cars, and church every Sunday. My husband even did the Power Point for the service. Our marriage had had problems for the last 4 yrs or so, but little did I know the real reason.

It turns out, by looking at my bank statements; he had been entertaining women for the past 4-5 years outside of our marriage. I was devastated and shocked. It was more than I could bear!

Well, 6 months have passed now, and God has worked immensely in my life. I have grown closer to Him by leaps and bounds through this trial in my life. I started reading the Bible daily. I joined two Ladies Bible Studies during the week through two different churches. I continued going to my church every Sunday as well as Bible Study and choir practice. My husband also continued to attend church there. It was a nightmare, and all I wanted to do was wake up a year later to see myself in a better place. Well, it wasn't that easy.

I fell to my knees night after night as I found out more and more of the deception my husband had been covering up. Finally, I told him to leave with the help of the pastor. I've been living as a single mom since August of 2009. I did seek restoration of our marriage if at all possible, but he did not show enough effort, so I decided to file for a divorce a week ago.

A lot has happened in my heart in the last 6 months. In fact, I think I've grown spiritually more in those 6 months than in my whole lifetime. God speaks to me. He answers my prayers, or at least I've learned to listen. He has given me the peace that surpasses all understanding. I could be very scared right now, being that I am a stay-at-home mom without work. My husband wanted me to quit grad school to stay home with our daughter. I was never to work, but always be available for Hannah. Now all of a sudden, I am at risk of losing my home, my van, my financial stability. But in the midst of all of those threats, I find peace in knowing that God will provide for me, and He has through all of this.

I picture God walking through this with me, holding my hand and cradling my young daughter in his arms. He has given me more strength than I could have ever expected. He has offered me divine appointments of ministry with others who may be contemplating divorce. I have been able to share my faith through each twist and turn to my Ladies' Bible Study groups.

I know because of God I have a brighter future ahead of me, and for that I am thankful. In fact, I can even be thankful for all the deception, because I have become a better person for it. It was hard, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it was worth it. I know now what faith really is! I know now what it really means to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He is the only HUSBAND I will ever need. And even as Valentine's Day is tomorrow, I am not sad or in despair. I have the joy of the Lord in my heart. My 4-yr-old daughter and I have quite the date night planned. I'm so thankful to have her, the one TRUE love of my life!!! She is such a gift of God, and a wonderful thing that came from my marriage. God bless you all.... And Happy Valentine's Day!