Sunday, April 17, 2011

I Met His Fiance and Lived

Oh, last week I was in panic mode. My X and I have been seeing a counselor, who suggested that I get to know the fiance before they get married and before Hannah spends time with her any more. Well, she was to go to see Wicked with her dad, fiance and her daughter over the weekend. We started by the fiance calling me, which didn’t go well.

First off, I was a nervous WRECK, to say the least! The plan was to stick to Hannah and stay off the subject of her relationship with my X. It was going fine, when she asked, “Do you have any questions for me?” My question was, “When and where did you meet my X?” She stubled all over not wanting to answer. I took this as she was witholding simple information, which meant, she must have known him before we were married. I had suspected that she may have been one of the women he was involved with before.

I was out of my mind at this point vowing to keep my daughter from her at all costs! How could I allow some prostitute to help raise my child?!?!?! But we still had the problem of this show Hannah’s been looking forward to for months. I couldn’t tell her she wasn’t going. So, I agreed to let her go ONLY to the show. My X wanted to have her longer. I refused….ONLY the show! He was NOT happy. Then I told him what I was upset about. He, of course denied that she was one of them. I told him I couldn’t trust EITHER of them!

The day of the show, the fiance drove down from Orlando and I met with her for 2 hours at Starbucks, which my X took the girls to Chick Filet. I was on the verge of a panic attack, although I was trying my hardest to stay calm. She was waiting for me inside alone. She came out to greet me. I decided to focus on her, to find out who she is. I discovered that she was born here in Miami, but has lived in Orlando for 11 years. She really likes it there, and it was apparent she will miss everything about living there when she moves here to get married. Her family is from Argentina. She lived there for a while.

Currently, she’s working on her Bachelor’s, has 1 ½ yrs left, studying business/marketing. She has been a realtor. She lives with her mom. She has family in South FL. She was never married, but lived as a family with her daughters father, until he cheated on her. So, she claimed that she would NEVER have broken up a marriage and absolutely was not one of the women my X was with when we were married. At least she does know he was with a lot of women. Poor na├»ve girl… She did share with me that they met on July 4, 2010 at the beach. She was there with her mom and cousin visiting. I decided it’s in my best interest to assume she’s telling the truth. I’ll never really know what the real truth is, anyway. And it doesn’t matter. What matters is, she’s going to marry him anyway. I need to be “friendly” with this woman.

She seemed very calm and confident. From what she said, I believe that she hopes to change her new husband, knowing that he gets “frusterated” often, which she called it. Oh, little does she know…. But her calm demeaner can only help him to relax, which I’ve decided could just be an asset to me. In fact, after talking to her, I’d rather talk to her than him!

She also told me that her parents divorced when she was 18. So, she has experience in a step-family that worked well. She actually brought up God and that she’s Catholic. We talked about how it looked like God gave her the experience with a step-family knowing that she would be placed in the middle of this now. This brough GREAT peace over me! I realized at that moment that God is still in control, even in this. He has orchestrated it all. He does still have a plan! Who knows, maybe she’ll be able to get through to my X, or at least be a buffer between me and him. I decided to see her as a blessing, not a curse.

The fiance is the kind of person that if I would have met her under different circumstances, we might be friends. We’ve already made plans for the next time she comes to do something, just the 4 girls. My X is NOT invited, of course! She said that she hopes to have a really good relationship with me for Hannah. She also hopes that Jady and I will also improve our relationship. I can picture her behind the scenes encouraging my X to behave well with me. It’s like I’ve got a cheer leader on the inside…just maybe.

I’d rather try to look on the bright side than focus on the negatives. I’d rather see her as an asset, and not an enemy. I am determined to form a healthy relationship with my X’s fiance for Hannah’s sake. This is an example of a mother’s sacrifice. I didn’t want to do any of this. This was VERY scary! I did it for HER, and only for HER! I would do anything for Hannah. This could be SOOO much worse! I am thankful…

Friday, April 8, 2011

1 Year Divorcary

One year has come and gone since my divorce was final. It has been a VERY long year! Looking back, I remember many stressful events in addition to the simple adjustment to being single. I entertained the idea of dating, only to find that I wasn’t ready. I was in a car accident, where the body shop held my van hostage for 3 months. I had to sue them to get it back. I also found out that my ex was engaged and had introduced my daughter to the other woman without my knowledge. Then I had spinal surgery, before even getting my van back. It was a lot harder than I expected. A couple weeks later, I took a week long class, where I was still in pain from surgery and a single mom. I took 4 graduate classes in total this spring, which is a HUGE load! Then Hannah started with her feelings of insecurity and didn’t want to leave my side. It was a battle just to get her to go to school, let alone going with her dad. She never wanted to be away from me, so I’ve had her now for a month with NO break!

So, a lot has happened this past year. I’ve had to adjust to a lot. And even though, we still have trials, like Hannah’s insecurity, we are in a better place than we were a year ago. I am content where I am. I don’t feel the “need” to remarry. I am just fine doing this on my own. I’m not lonely. In fact, sometimes I crave time alone.

I’m thankful for Hannah. She is my world. And though I know it can’t always be like that. I will enjoy her for now. Everything I do, I do it for her. I know I sacrifice of myself for her. I know I need some “me” time. And that will come. Right now, she needs me. I’m thankful for our close relationship.

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Hannah's Insecurities

Hannah has gotten to the point where anytime she has to leave my side, there’s a fight. She is having major separation anxiety at age 5! I feel so bad, because it’s hard to tell what I should do. She won’t go with her dad or often even talk to him on the phone. She hangs up on him, or refuses to verbalize to him at all. So, she’s been with me all the time for the past 2 weeks.

She is also too “scared”, as she says, to go to school. It is a fight every morning, some more than others. One morning, she cried all the way to school, then screamed at the top of her lungs when we arrived. I actually had to turn around and take her home with me that day because she was going to vomit. I couldn’t drag her in school like that. She’s just holds so much fear now.

Hannah gets this look of fear in her face as tears roll down her cheeks when I mention that she needs to go to her dad for a couple of nights. She is SCARED! Her dad and I saw a counselor yesterday, a play therapist. He said that she is more aware of what’s going around around her at this age, vs when we got divorced a year ago. She feels out of control of her surroundings, which makes her feel insecure. She says she’s afraid that I won’t come back. She’s afraid of losing her mommy. No matter what I do to build her security, that fear persists.

I am emotionally exhausted listening to the verbal abuse that comes from Hannah’s dad. I just want to take Hannah away and not have to ever hear from him again. I dread every encounter. He is an angry, hateful person. And yet, I still encourage her to speak with him. It doesn’t usually help, anyway. She “wants” to talk with him maybe twice per week, if that.

So, I have Hannah all the time. She always wants to be right by my side, and she isn’t napping much anymore. When am I supposed to get school work done???? After she goes to bed, I have no brain power left to study. I’m a morning person. When she’s in school, I still have all the house work to do, indoors and out, groceries, laundry, etc. I’m spent! I just want to be available when my baby needs me. She is my first priority! I’ll give up anything for her, but that leaves me very stressed when exams and papers are due. How much longer must I run this race??? Will it ever end?