Monday, January 24, 2011

The Desire is Back

I'm feeling better everyday, just accepting the whole engagement thing. Thank God it isn't a situation of wanting him back. I feel sorry for this other woman!!! She has NO idea what's coming! It makes me laugh to think about it. But Hannah is no laughing matter. I love her more than life itself!!! I would die for her in a hearbeat! And she knows it.

On a different note, in church on Sunday I held my friend's baby girl, while she took her son to the bathroom. She's just over 1 yr old. I sang and rocked her back and fourth. Do you know how long it's been since I've been able to hold a baby?!?!?!?! Before my spinal surgery, I was in too much pain. And I'm known to be a baby stealer. Anyway, she fell asleep in my arms. I was in HEAVEN! Made my day!!!!! That was the morning I found out about the engagement. I so needed that! I started to cry. Holding her made me think of when I did the same every Sunday morning with Hannah when she was a baby. Could this be God's way of telling me that He has a whole other life for me....that I will still find a good husband and even have another baby? I also didn't have Hannah with me that Sunday, knowing she was with the fiance. I was hurting. I missed her and worried about her.
Let me tell you, I was tempted to keep that baby! After all, she is my God-daughter anyway!!! She is beautiful. I've been trying to hide my desire for another baby with pets. I've adopted 2 pets in the last year, and am looking for another kitten! I guess nothing can EVER replace a baby. Who knows what God has in store. The Lord knows, there’s still time.

This photo is of Hannah around that age. 

Engaged Already???

Yep, that’s right! The X is engaged! Everyone who has seen them together claimed it didn’t seem like it would last. Then what happened? This is the rebound. They started dating in June, supposedly, and we were divorced the April before. He claims they met on the beach down here, when she was visiting family. She lives in Orlando and plans to move down here with her 5 yr old daughter. She’s from Argentina, lives with her mom, has never been married, doesn’t work, and is a student. That’s about all I know.

Hannah never talks about this woman, which tells me she doesn’t interact with her much…NOT a good sign! When Hannah likes someone, she talks about them non-stop! She does seem to like her daughter.

The X has already told Hannah all about the upcoming wedding and how she and the other little girl gets to be the flower girls. OMGsh! Is this real??? The first thing Hannah said when she came in the door was, “Mommy, guess what!!! Daddy’s getting married!” Then she went on and on about it all evening. She seemed excited, which I guess is good. She told me that the woman and her daughter will move down here. I asked, “Where will they live?” She said, “With Daddy at Ya-Ya’s house (his mom)”. Oh, boy! That won’t go over well!

What is he thinking. The X doesn’t have a job, can’t keep one. He’s living in his mother’s house with his whole family. He’s muching off his dad for his expences, and now he’s going to get married?!?!?!?! This guy lives in la-la land! Does he really think his dad is just going to support his NEW family? WOW! This guy knows NOTHING of responsibility!!!
Really, I don’t care what he does. If he wants to remarry, it’s none of my business. Personally, I’m very glad to be rid of him. But HANNAH is my business!!! Obviously, this marriage won’t last. What will multiple wives down the road do to Hannah? Who is this other woman who will help to raise MY daughter?!?!?! And I have NO say-so in this . That just isn’t right! I gave birth to this child and raised her, basically ALONE up until the divorce, for GOD’S sake!!!!!

This is just one more trial for me to overcome. I’m still thankful for my faith. I am in shock right now. But over all, I have the assurance that God is in control of even this. God loves Hannah even more than I do! That is hard to imagine. He will NOT let this harm her. If anything, just like me, she will grow stronger because of her own trials. I just have to be the BEST mom I can be! She’ll figure out what her father’s priorities are on her own. I don’t say a negative word about him. I do often have to explain his bad behavior, like when she complains about his yelling. I only tell her that this is just how he communicates. I tell her that if she doesn’t want him to yell, then she shouldn’t do anything to upset him.

The other dilemma is that he doesn’t take Hannah to church on his weekends anymore. That goes against everything we agreed on when she was BORN! However, every Sunday right now is MY TIME. I have her Sunday nights, so that means I get her all day on Sunday. Previously, I compromised with him allowing him to take her to church on his Sundays, then bringing her to me later. Well, if he’s not going to take her to church then he can’t have her on my day anymore. I can then take her to church every Sunday. Well, now he wants to have Sunday’s too, on his weekend. But he also has Mondays, becauase I’m in school late that day this semester. So, Hannah would be with him 4 nights in a row!!! That’s WAY too much time away from her mommy!!!! So, what to do?

My intention is not to be mean or punish him….or even to keep Hannah away from this woman (fiance, I guess). I just want her in church on Sundays. SO, what to do? I lost a lot of sleep last night over this. I don’t want to be stressed about it. I want to leave it to God. I’ve prayed for wisdom. I need so much wisdom to live through my life!!! It seems it’s always something.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


I survived my one week intensive course last week in Grad School. Above is a photo of the whole class.  I was in class for 48 hrs in 6 days. I picked up Hannah after class around 5:30 pm everyday, and did homework after she went to bed. I had papers due everyday. The class was Multi-Cultural Counseling, which I loved. I could not believe how much I learned in such a short time. I really believe the class changed me.

I also found out that I made A’s in all 3 of my classes from my first semester, which was a very stressful semester! I am SOOOO relieved! I needed some good news. I start 3 more classes next week, and still have to write my 12 page research paper for last week’s class. So, it’ll be another busy week, but what’s new. All I know is I don’t have Hannah next weekend, so I will have that time if needed… will be needed!

As far as recovering from surgery, it’s been a long one. It’s been a month since the surgery, and I still have 2 more weeks in the neck brace. I have grown tired of it. I have also found that I am self-concious about the scar across the front of my neck. I just didn’t expect it to be so obvious. Here I am, single, and look like I tried to commit suicide! I’m afraid to even think about dating. I’ve never seen myself as perfect looking, but I’ve been self-confident. That’s all changed. I know the scar will fade, and probably not even be noticable….eventually. But what about NOW?!?!?! *sigh* I know wors things can happen. On the bright side, I have noticed that I get better service in stores when I come in with my neck brace. I mean, really! It is obvious! For example, at Target they let me return stuff that I would have NEVER gotten away with returning normally. I didn’t even have a reciept for a couple items. They didn’t even carry one of them anymore, so she used a bar code from a totally different item. HA! I probably made money from that return. So, I guess there are benefits.

Sorry...I had to put my cat in there, because she is my stress reliever.  This is her favorite spot.  I have to walk by this sofa all day long.  And she is just irresistible!  I then have to put my face in her soft belly and listen to her purrrr...  It's heaven, hence her name, Angel.