Monday, February 22, 2010

Reflecting on a Rainy Day

As I reflect on this rainy day, it reminds me of how I feel. I have been under a cloud for the last week. I can't seem to get above it as much as a pray and read scripture. Saturday I tried to distract myself with hard work in the garden, much needed. I laid 15 bags of mulch after pulling all the weeds and trimming with my neighbor's electric hedge trimmer. That was a first! I planted some new cheery flowers. I fixed all the sprinklers and landscape lighting. It was a lot of work and I HURT from head to toe! My arms are all scratched up. I think I need longer gloves for this.

It worked as a temporary distraction, but I fell back into the darkness. I suppose God can even have a plan for my mood, but I pray that He will change my attitude. My gloom started when my husband stabbed me in the back yet again. I feel deceived all over again. He hired a lawyer using MY credit card!!! I haven't even paid my own lawyer, because I didn't want to use credit. I have been filled with anger over this, but trying my BEST to not act on my feelings. I must confess I did do some yelling, which I apologized to my husband for and asked God for forgiveness. Anger is normal, but acting based on anger is a sin. I am a sinner just like the next person.

I've also started scrapbooking again in hopes of getting caught up. I am a year behind, which means I must go back to those old pictures showing my husband pretending to be a family. It has been very painful to put photos of him in the albums, but I realize I must for Hannah. He's her Daddy and he was there. But those pictures of him are VERY SMALL, purposely! Seeing those pictures reminds me of what he was up to behind my back. It reminds me of the pain he caused. It forces me to wonder and imagine. I just can't bear the thought of seeing MY HUSBAND doing these things. And then he was in church during that time every week doing the Power Point presentation. He truly lived a double life.

On the other hand, I'm trying to forget the past and move on with my life. I'm trying to accept life as it is and live it to the fullest to glorify God. He does have a plan in all of this, but I have difficulty getting beyond my human nature to feel sorrow. I expect this will be a constant battle in the months to come, especially through the divorce proceedings. God be with me!

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