Sunday, May 23, 2010

A Troubled Heart

My head hangs low today and tears swell up in my eyes.  My heart breaks yet again.  I tell myself I shouldn’t feel.  It’s not supposed to matter to me anymore.  Then why does it hurt so badly?  Why do I feel betrayed all over again?  I pray that God will numb my heart.  I just don’t want to feel more pain! 
As soon as I start moving on with my life in a healthy way, God put a devastating message in my path.  Why did He have to tell me?  What do I have to do with this?  I can’t help him.  It’s not my problem anymore.  And yet, God allowed me to see his sin.  Was God being cruel, I think not.  There must be a reason.  But what can I do?  I couldn’t help him when we were married.  I certainly can’t now!  So, why fill my heart with such pain?  Why must I suffer all over again?  I don’t want to know these things he does!
I think about Hannah and the kind of father she has.  I know that statistics show that girls marry men like their father.  I want to vomit!  And yet, I feel so helpless to do anything about it.  Thankfully, Hannah is oblivious of her father’s double life.  I pray that she’ll never know. 
How hard will it be for me to build him up to be a KING in her eyes, knowing the sinner that he truly is?  But that is my responsibility.  It is the best thing for Hannah for me to put this man up on a pedestal for her.  I just don’t know if my flesh can accomplish this.  This is too big for me.  I’m too weak.  My heart is too broken by this man. 
God has called me to do some very hard things.  I don’t know how anyone can persevere after such tribulation.  And yet, I’m still here.  I am healing.  Yes, I have set backs, but that’s normal.  The pain doesn’t just disappear as if it never occurred.  I know for me, holidays without my daughter will be my worst nightmare!  It’s just not fair!  I didn’t do anything to deserve losing my daughter!!!  He’s the one that should pay for what he’s done and is still doing. 
Oh, LORD, help me…for I suffer so!  The pain is too much to bear.  I pray to you for comfort and strength.  You are the only way I will get through this.  I trust you.  I know that you know what you’re doing.  Please make it clear what you want me to do with this insight. 
I know that tomorrow will be another day.  I know that I will persevere.  I know you will use me to help people who are struggling as I have.  I lay this down at the cross.  I give this burden to you, Lord.  Take it from me, and don’t allow it to enter into my mind again.  Comfort my pain.  Cradle me in your arms.  Thank you for never leaving me or forsaking me.  Amen.

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