I’m having a lot of trouble validating my feelings this evening. The X came to pick up Hannah after work. I try to “see” him as little as possible…staying in the background, while he’s at the door. He doesn’t come in, so that’s usually easy. Well, tonight, I don’t know what went wrong. I didn’t look in his eyes, because our eyes would never meet. It was his arm. His ARM?!?!?!?! What’s wrong with me? I just noticed how nice and muscular it looked. Then memories came back to me from when he used to wrap those strong arms around me. I even remember how his arm hair felt on my skin. Yes, I realize I need therapy!
When he left, I felt so sad. I kept questioning to myself, what went wrong. Obviously, I still feel for this guy….who was once my husband, this guy who hurt me deeper than I can say. Why did he have to turn out like that? Why couldn’t we just live “happily ever after”? Then I begin to ask myself, “Am I that bad that he couldn’t see himself with only ME for the rest of his life?”
Now I know that it has nothing to do with me. I know that what he did has to do with his personal issues, which developed into an addiction. But we loved each other once. We did! He used to look at me with “those eyes”, eyes that adored me. Why did that change? When I said “until death do us part” I meant it. I think he meant it then, but why do those vows change with time? Can boredom really cause a person to go so far off course, and jeopardize everything?
How can I choose differently next time? How will I know when I’ve found a truly FAITHFUL man “until death do us part”? How will I know? I sure don’t want to go through this again. I am probably as loyal as they get! That’s why this is so hard for me to comprehend. I mean, I wouldn’t even LOOK at another man, let alone form any kind of relationship with them when I was married.
Why can’t I just feel indifferent when I see him? It would be easier if I hated him. I see him, and I forget all that he’s done and is doing. I stop and remember when….things were different. When will this fantasy end? Will I ever be completely “over him”? Is that even possible when you’ve committed your whole heart to someone in marriage? A vow is a vow. How can I get past that?
Just when life looks good, I hit a wall…..