Saturday, September 4, 2010

Hannah Meeting the Other Woman

8-26-10 My X was to take Hannah to Orlando with his sister to go to Blizzard Beach for the weekend. I told him before, ‘Under NO circumstances does he introduce Hannah to any woman while there”. He said, “I know how to be a good role model for my daughter.” When Hannah came back to me that next week, she talked all about this woman and her daughter, who they spent a lot of time with over the weekend. From what I understand, they didn’t spend nights with the at the hotel, but they were with them during ever day while there.

They live in Orlando with this woman's mother. She was never married, but has a 5 yr old daughter. She’s from Argentina. She has some family down in S. FL. Hannah has met them before when they visited Miami. My X sat Hannah down and told her how he likes this woman very much. They’ve only been dating 2 months!

Hannah has since shown signs of insecurity. That next Wed night I took her to AWANA (a children's church club that she's been in for 2 1/2 yrs and LOVES), where she cried the whole time until I picked her up, which is very unlike her. She acted scared to death! She said she was afraid I wouldn’t be able to find her to pick her up. Later that night, she woke up twice with bad nightmares, where she was covered in sweat and crying. Then the 3rd time, she got up throwing up in her room and mine. After, she complained of a sore throat. I let her sleep in, but she went to school late that next day.

9-2-10 Hannah talks about playing with the girlfriends daughter a lot, but when I bring up questions regarding the girlfriend, she changes the subject, refuses to talk about her. Yesterday, Hannah agreed to go to AWANA again. All was well, until I left her. She came out to find me still in the hallway. She looked troubled, and told me, “My body feels like it needs to cry, and if I don’t cry, I feel like I will throw up.” She was shaking and crying. She held on to me for dear life, like someone was going to try to take her from me. People we know from AWANA came up trying to help me talk her into going back into AWANA, but she would hold to me even tighter. I’ve never seen her like this. She was SCARED! She complained that once again her tummy hurt and she felt like throwing up. I assured her that she didn’t have to go anywhere unless she wanted to. I tried many tactics to get her to go back to class, but all failed. We finally left to go home.

9-4-10 Hannah hasn’t been the same since AWANA a few days ago. I was up all night with her that Wed and Thurs night. She has terrible nightmares. All she would tell me about them is that I was in them, but didn’t want to tell me the rest. The night after AWANA she got a 101.9 fever, tummy ache and sore throat. She was up all night both nights, and had to sleep in my bed. She didn’t want to be away from. She hasn’t slept in my bed since she was 10 mos old! She stayed home from school for the next two days sick. She had been FINE before AWANA.

When I ask her what she’s afraid of, she tells me, “I’m afraid that you are going to move far away from me and leave me here.” She’s also said that she’s afraid that someone will take her away from me. These are obvious signs of insecurity. I explained to her that I will never leave her! I also reminded her that she can always call my cell and I will come, no matter where she is. She has my cell number memorized.

My Theory: Meeting her daddy's girlfriend has made Hannah feel like Mommy is being replace, subconsciously. She’s afraid of losing her mommy. Hannah is 4 yrs old. She doesn’t really understand relationships, but she can since that this isn’t as it should be. Her family has been broken. I can only imagine how it must make her feel to see her daddy having such a good time with another woman, when he can’t stand being around her mother.

Somehow, the insecurity she feels from meeting this other woman has been displaced to AWANA. Now AWANA is a trigger. She can’t explain it, but certain feelings just take over when she’s there. When she explained to me how “her body had to cry” I knew this was psychological. And I knew that this was caused by meeting the girlfriend. It was then, I burned with anger for her father had caused this. He did this against my will.

I called him Wed night after putting Hannah to bed, for the first time, and let him have it. I demanded that he will NOT allow this other woman around Hannah until it has been Oked by a Child Psychologist. He had already made plans to have this woman and her child come to stay with him and Hannah in the same house for the Labor Day weekend. I told him that if she is coming, Hannah will be with ME! At first, he agreed that he would choose to be with his girlfriend and give up his weekend with Hannah. Later, he changed his mind after talking with the girlfriend, who I guess convinced him that it will not be good for me to see that he’s choosing her over his daughter. So, they decided that she wouldn’t come, and he would spend the weekend with Hannah alone.

My X was supposed to have Hannah Thursday night, but Hannah chose to stay with me, since she was sick. So, he took her Fri night, instead. By that time, she was feeling better.

All of this happening the week I start Grad School.  I have 10 text books to read this semester, so you can imagine how much reading I have weekly.  So, it's been a stressful week, to say the least!


  1. what a hard thing!!! I can relate to so much! BUT I also want to caution you to be sure. 1) are you sure she was not sick! stress can cause sickness! BUT so can true illness lower our ability to cope!! I agree that introducing many woman to your daughter is a BAD idea! BUT at some point it will be beyond your control! legally, as far as I know, he has the right matter how misguided! The reality is, how Hannah copes will lie with you! if she sees your bristle she will see and think that you are hurt and sad! if she worries about your reaction in any way she will internalize it! In my situation I met the woman (I had known her, they did not know that!) I showed the kids that I was OK! (My youngest was 4 too)! They were safe knowing that this new person did not affect me and therefore did not affect them! It is so sad Jess! I KNOW! BUT you will be fighting this battle until you loose it! My encouragement is to show Hannah that you are on her dads side! NOT that you support his lifestyle, but that you support him! That you are united and therefore she is not at risk! Meet this woman or at least let Hannah know you are OK with it! Talk to her about what has happened and what that means! Talk to her about the end of a marriage and how it never changes the childrens relationship to their parents.... embrace what you CANNOT change! THAT above all will restore her security! I have walked this road! AND as hard as it much as I was told to put up barriers and fight, I am so glad I did not!! SO glad I embraced and showed children have shown security in both homes. BUT it took work and it took me MANY times accepting their exposure to a life I do not condone!! BUT, ultimately the moral battle gets lost to their compromised well-being!! thats just my opinion..:)!!!praying for you..I know how hard it is!

  2. Jessica, your friend Debbie is 100% right with the advice she gave you:

    if [Hannah] sees your bristle she will see and think that you are hurt and sad! TRUE.
    if [Hannah] worries about your reaction in any way she will internalize it! TRUE.
    …They were safe knowing that this new person did not affect me and therefore did not affect them! TRUE
    It is so sad Jess! TRUE
    Meet this woman or at least let Hannah know you are OK with it! TRUE. So hard, but true.

    I know this because I went through, and still go through, this process.

    I emailed the rest of my comments to you.

    Hang in there. Continue being strong and courageous. You have in you an unlimited fountain of strength and love and grace and forgiveness. Never forget that.