Saturday, April 2, 2011

Hannah's Insecurities

Hannah has gotten to the point where anytime she has to leave my side, there’s a fight. She is having major separation anxiety at age 5! I feel so bad, because it’s hard to tell what I should do. She won’t go with her dad or often even talk to him on the phone. She hangs up on him, or refuses to verbalize to him at all. So, she’s been with me all the time for the past 2 weeks.

She is also too “scared”, as she says, to go to school. It is a fight every morning, some more than others. One morning, she cried all the way to school, then screamed at the top of her lungs when we arrived. I actually had to turn around and take her home with me that day because she was going to vomit. I couldn’t drag her in school like that. She’s just holds so much fear now.

Hannah gets this look of fear in her face as tears roll down her cheeks when I mention that she needs to go to her dad for a couple of nights. She is SCARED! Her dad and I saw a counselor yesterday, a play therapist. He said that she is more aware of what’s going around around her at this age, vs when we got divorced a year ago. She feels out of control of her surroundings, which makes her feel insecure. She says she’s afraid that I won’t come back. She’s afraid of losing her mommy. No matter what I do to build her security, that fear persists.

I am emotionally exhausted listening to the verbal abuse that comes from Hannah’s dad. I just want to take Hannah away and not have to ever hear from him again. I dread every encounter. He is an angry, hateful person. And yet, I still encourage her to speak with him. It doesn’t usually help, anyway. She “wants” to talk with him maybe twice per week, if that.

So, I have Hannah all the time. She always wants to be right by my side, and she isn’t napping much anymore. When am I supposed to get school work done???? After she goes to bed, I have no brain power left to study. I’m a morning person. When she’s in school, I still have all the house work to do, indoors and out, groceries, laundry, etc. I’m spent! I just want to be available when my baby needs me. She is my first priority! I’ll give up anything for her, but that leaves me very stressed when exams and papers are due. How much longer must I run this race??? Will it ever end?

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