Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Grandpa's Death

         So much has happened, and yet my blog has been silent.  Isn’t that how it always goes.  When life gets “interesting”, I don’t have TIME to write.  I feel the biggest thing weighing on my life right now is the loss of my grandpa.  It’s funny how the body goes on survival mode when big things happen in our lives.  He died on Oct 27, 2011 after struggling in and out of illness for about a year before.  He had grown very weak.  He was given 2 weeks to live about 2 months before his death, so it was a blessing to have him longer.  
I did get to visit him in July, which brought great joy on both sides.  He was so cute as he had a new burst of energy whenever we’d stop by to see him during that visit.  He would scoot out on his little walker as fast as he could just to greet us at the car.  He always kept a smile on his face and cracked his jokes to make us laugh.  I knew this would be the last time I’d see him, which was really tough.  I remember telling him, “Thank you for waiting for me.”  
Down to the last minute, Grandma was by his side.  They were married 70 years!  She turned 90 and he turned 95 this year.  He was able to see every family member this year before his passing.  I also managed to talk with him on the phone just 2 days before his death.  I am soooo thankful for this!  They had moved the week before, so I wasn’t able to talk to them for a couple of weeks prior.  I would have felt really bad if I didn’t get to talk to him before.  The last thing I said to him was, “I love you.”  
Of course, when I got the news, I was devastated; even know I had been waiting for this call.  For a couple of days, I wept a lot.  Then I got over it and went on.  I live a busy life as a single mom in grad school.  Then I spent a weekend in my play therapy class.  The first thing we did was draw a picture of whatever we wanted.  I drew a picture of Gpa in heaven with Jesus.  There were clouds all around.  There were little golden angels in the background and the golden gate.  I found myself getting emotional again.  All weekend, I saw a theme in my practice play…Gpa.  I realized then that I was ignoring my emotions in order to function.  I need to grieve, but I don’t have time for that.  So sad…
This weekend Hannah and I will fly to Kansas for Gpa’s memorial.  I’ve decided to allow myself to grieve there.  I was going to sing during the service, but once again, I would be forced to perform instead of taking that time to grieve.  I need to just…BE.  
I look forward to seeing family for the 6 days that we’ll be there.  I will have to miss one class, which I hope I can catch up on later.  When I return, I will have a final exam and 2 presentations due that weekend!  Back to reality!!!  

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