Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Praying for My Soul Mate

Once again, I’ve gone a long time since writing.  This was a difficult semester to survive through.  Hannah started having attachment problems again.  She was having nightmares and required me to go to bed “with” her in order for her to sleep.  We’ve gotten through that, thankfully.  Classes this semester were a challenge as it seemed everything was due at the same time.  Plus, my grandpa died right before midterms.  I went out of town twice in the month of November, which made it really hard to catch up.  I can finally breathe again now as my semester is over.  I have a 3 week break!!!  In fact, Hannah went with her dad to Disney for 5 days, so I’ve had that time all to myself!  I’ve spent the last 4 days working in my yard.  I only had 2 full days.  But I gave my garden a much needed make-over!  It feels really good to have gotten that done.  Now, I can enjoy the 2nd two weeks of my time off in my garden, my favorite place…when it looks nice.    One night after working hard all day, I was motivated by all the branches I chopped up.  So, I built a fire and roasted hot dogs and drank hot cocoa outside for dinner!  As one of my friends put it, “making lemonade out of lemons”.  That’s really the only way to survive my life sometimes.  It was really nice, although, it reminded me of how nice it would be to “have someone” to share times like that with.  Hannah won’t, and isn’t, always here.  She can never be my “other half”.  
On that note, I’ve decided to really start praying for my future husband.  I mean, I’ve been praying for him ever since my divorce, but I don’t know that I was ready to meet him.  Now, I feel ready to have someone.  The desire has come back into my heart.  For so long, I’ve been doubtful of the possibility of someone being out there just for me.  But I believe he’s there…somewhere.  He’s living his own life at this very moment.  Maybe he’s even praying for me right now, not even knowing who I am.  
I’ve prayed for him consistently.  I’ve prayed for God’s blessings to reach him in that very moment of my prayers…that maybe he might even feel it.  I pray for his career, his home, his family.  I pray for the things that I want in a husband like spiritual growth.  I pray that God will mold him for me and me for him.  I believe God is using this time to prepare us for each other.  Isn’t it amazing how God orchestrates things?  
I often try to envision what he might be doing right now or how we’ll meet.  Lately, my prayer is for God to bring him into my life quickly.  But I know that God has His own timing.  I know that when school is in session, I don’t have a lot of time to offer anyone.  And when things fall apart with Hannah with her attachment issues or something else, I don’t have anything emotional to give to a relationship.  I am so often on survival mode.  I can understand why God would wait for our eyes to meet.  Oh, but I can still envision the moment when I finally meet my soul mate.  Will I know right away, or will it take time?  Will it be love at first sight, or will love come softly?  
I guess Christmas is the time of year that single people often think about having someone special.  It’s understandable that I feel this way.  It’s quite possible that the feeling will fade when school starts again and I get busy.  
The other thing on my mind is internship.  It turns out, I will probably need to start my internship next summer 2012, which means I’ll be taking classes at the same time.  But I will graduate in May 2013!  Starting to work will be a huge transition for me and for Hannah.  I will have less time to get my chores done while Hannah’s in school, so a lot of that will have to happen when she’s home after school/camp.  That’s been a real struggle for me to accept.  I’ve always tried real hard to be there just for Hannah whenever she’s home.  And I guess that was important when she was young, but she is getting older now.  She’ll be almost 7 next summer.  I’ve always consumed myself with “what’s best for Hannah?”  Well, now it’s time to start thinking about me and my career.  I’ve been so hesitant, but I’ve also prayed a lot about it.  And gradually, I can see God giving me peace.  In fact, he’s showing me how rewarding it will be to have this opportunity to help people.  I would really enjoy that!  I guess God has more in store for me than just Hannah.  The fact is, I was put on this earth to not only show Hannah her way, but also to counsel others in need.  It is my ministry, and I think I will be really good at it.  Now I have to start applying to internship sites, so I’ve been praying about choosing the right one.  I feel like this is going to be a big year for me, a year of growing up, maybe.  I will finally be what I want to be when I grow up.  


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