Thursday, March 1, 2012

Is This Chemistry?


It seems I have stumbled into an unexpected, forgotten feeling.  Is this chemistry?  I’m seeing someone I met online.  I didn’t have high expectations when we first met for dinner.  But as soon as he walked up, my heart leapt.  What is that?  We had only been chatting online for a week or two before we met.  The date went so well, that we made lunch plans for the following day.  
I couldn’t believe myself!  I was like a giddy little school girl!  Is that possible?  He’s tall, dark and handsome.  He had hazel eyes that I tend to get lost in, if I’m not careful.  Something has come over me.  I can’t get him out of my mind!  All I can think about is that “HUG”.  It’s like electrical impulses race through my body when he holds me in his arms…just for a moment.  We seem to fit like a glove and it feels really good and leaves me wanting MORE.  
My mind and my heart battle back and forth, as my mind tries to point out possible negatives.  It’s like my mind is trying to destroy this beautiful thing I’ve found.  As exciting as it is, it’s scary, too.  I haven’t felt the touch of a man in so long.  I don’t want this relationship to be based on my desire for physical touch.  I’m afraid of these moments clouding my better judgment.  I’m afraid to “fall” all over again.  Where will that take me?  Been there, done that.  
I guess it boils down to,” I don’t want to be hurt again.  I don’t want to make any mistakes.  “But at the same time, I am only human and WILL make mistakes.  There is no guarantee that this is the one, but that doesn’t mean I shouldn’t enjoy the moment.  That’s what it’s all about.  See, this is the other side of my conscience talking.  
I have to give myself constant self-talk.  I’m dating, and I don’t have to make a decision on marriage right now.  I just need to relax and enjoy this time of simply getting to know each other.  The only other 2 guys I “dated” in the past 2 yrs never went anywhere.  We met, and there was no chemistry.  This is a whole other experience, and I feel unprepared.  The fact is, I’m not a young girl anymore.  I have so much more responsibility, like my little girl.  I wouldn’t only mess up my life, but hers, too.  I have become comfortable in my current like, just me and her.  This has put a huge wrench in the mix. 
 I know it’s a good thing, and I’m happy to have the blessing of feeling this way again.  For a long time in my marriage I was sad that I would never feel this way again.  My marriage was so broken, that we didn’t even like each other, let alone have chemistry.  Love was a choice, and nothing more.  But I’ve been given a 2nd chance to experience falling in love all over again.  I’m not saying that is happening.  But the potential is there.  Hey, I’ve gotten this far with only 2 dates.  
It’s amazing that I miss him already.  I can’t wait till the next time we meet.  I long for his embrace.  I find it difficult to express these feelings to him.  I’m afraid for him to know how much I like him, because I don’t want him to think too far ahead toward the future.  I want this to develop slowly.  It’s nice, though, that he is really good at telling me how he feels.  I know he’s already WAY ahead of me, which scares me to death!  He really likes me a lot, maybe loves, but hasn’t said that yet.  Is it possible to fall in love so quickly?  From the way he talked before we ever met in person, he was already in love just from our messages.  He doesn’t use those words, but you can tell.  That also scares me.  
I’ve made it very clear to him that I must take this slow.  I’ve expressed to him my fears.  He knows I’ve been hurt and still have some healing to do.  He says he’ll be patient with me and help me through.  He’s so sweet!  I told him before our first date, “Nothing physical!”  But the funny thing is, I wanted the hug, and it was great!  
He says the sweetest things to me!  Some things that he says, “You are so beautiful in every way possible.”  He calls me sweetheart, babe, love, gorgeous, etc.  He said, “I will love you, protect you and give you lots of affection.”  He told me to tell my mom, “If your daughter give me a chance, I’ll make her the happiest woman in the world.”  When mom asked, “How?”  He said, “I’ll make her heart mine, loving her like she was the only girl in the world.”  He asked me to thank her for having such a beautiful daughter.  He said, “When I’m with you, I feel like a little kid with butterflies in my stomach.”  He’s very charming and good with words.  
Change is in the air.  I’m trying to focus on simply living in the moment and enjoying the feeling, not getting caught up in the thought of future.  We’re not there yet!  Relax, Jessica!!!  

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