The mood has changed today. I don't know why. I was doing so well, feeling so positive. But today I feel sadness. I've been settling my finances, which included going to the bank with the X today to separate all joint accounts. I don't know if the accounts reminding me of the termoil he caused using those accounts, or if this was just one step closer to D-Day. It is all so final.
I do not feel that I am making a mistake divorcing him. I am most certain to have no regrets later. He has been nothing but horrible to me for so many years and then living this double life. It has been no marriage. But I still can't seem to hold back the tears. I guess it hurts that my marriage didn't work. I didn't sign up for this. I love him, but he doesn't love me. Love is a choice, and he doesn't get that. He never will. I've given this 6 months to make sure. He will not change.
Being alone has its perks, too. Really, life is good. I have more time to myself to get things done. I still have plenty of time with my little princess. Thank GOD, I am still financially secure for now. I still get to be a stay-at-home mom, but don't have to worry about the duties of being a wife. Believe me, that's a relief!
God really worked this all out for me and for Hannah. It doesn't usually happen this way. I am better off now. I was prepared to give up everything to follow God's will for my life. I was committed to doing the right thing at any cost. And now, because of my faithfulness, God is filling me with His blessings.
Then why do I feel so sad. I'm going to be able to move on with my life and be free of this man who has tormented me and has been unfaithful for all these years. It's just that marriage is supposed to be forever. I still remember our wedding day. He seemed so right. I could not have imagined him doing these things to me at that time.
We were planning to move to Venezuela, where he's from, and start a church there...our very own ministry. He was in church every week before we even met. In fact, I started going with him to church when we met. I didn't have a car on campus at UF. He was saved....a Christian! We were going to start our life and ministry together. So, what went wrong? Why the change in him? Why??? I did everything right. I was loyal, submissive, loving, etc. He just stopped trying...I guess when he fell out of love with me. The infatuation ended and greed set in. He wanted MORE!
I expect the pain he's caused will subside with time. It just hurts so bad to remember what he did to me....and I was so unaware. I'm thankful, though, for my friends, friends who have volunteered to go with me next week to the courthouse to finalize my divorce. What would I do without them? I feel my arms being raised by my friends.... Thank you, Pascale and Gisel. Thank you for being there! Thank you for watching out for me and giving your time to walk me through this. You're the BEST!
Tomorrow will be another day, hopefully a happier day as I continue working on my budget and banking. God is good, and I'm thankful that I have money to budget! May I be a good steward of the money God has given me....