Friday, June 18, 2010

Emotional Detachement from X

I realize now that the reason I often struggle when my X does/says certain things, is that I am still taking them personally. I let it get to me when he is cold and doesn’t want to talk to me or have any kind of relationship with me. I consider that not being civil. When I found out that he was still highly active in his ungodly lifestyle, I took it personally. It was like being betrayed all over again.

The point is he is no longer my husband. I know that’s a fact, but I don’t think I’ve really allowed myself to emotionally detach from him. And maybe it’s because there is a very small part of me that still loves him and has hope for him to change. I know God is a god of MIRACLES!

Last night in Divorce Care we learned about reconciliation. I learned that reconciliation doesn’t mean getting back with the person. It means coming to a place of civility with that person. This may mean forgiving them and letting go of all bitterness towards them, whether they deserve it or not. It may mean asking for their forgiveness. But that’s only the beginning.

During the meeting last night, a couple came forward to speak. The wife had chosen to divorce her husband due to bitterness she carried from the beginning of their marriage. After the divorce, she lived an ungodly lifestyle. She eventually began to realize that the grass wasn’t greener after all and became extremely depressed. Not only had she left her husband, but her children, as well. A few years down the road, she stopped eating and became very thin and ill. She decided to call her ex-husband, and he told her to come home. This man took care of her and nurtured his ex-wife back to health for 2 yrs.

She asked for forgiveness asked him to remarry her. After some thought, he agreed. After all that she had done to him, he forgave her to the point that he was ready to remarry her. Let’s just say that I was fighting back the tears the whole time they spoke! They were there, at Divorce Care offering hope to those who were separated and divorced. Even though your spouse has gone astray and allowed Satan to take hold of them, God can still work in them. God can one day make change in them. And they just may come back asking YOU to take them back.

What am I supposed to do with all this? All I wanted was for my X to desire the change needed to make our marriage work, to get himself right with God. But he rejected this option. He showed no remorse and no sign of Godly fruits in his life. But can God still change him? I guess that’s best left up to God. I know I can’t make that change for him.

Getting back to emotional detachment, I realize that it’s time for me to let go. Maybe it is best for us to not be around each other and talk to each other much. It isn’t any of my business what he chooses to do with his life. I need to find a way to stop taking things personally. When I feel like he’s being rude, I shouldn’t correct him, or concern myself with it. The fact is, he’s not my problem anymore and I can just leave or hang up. He doesn’t live with me, so how often could I possibly have to undertake his rudeness. I need to learn to counteract his rudeness with my kindness. I don’t need to get defensive or worry about changing him. He’s not much husband to change.

So, she he comes to the door and avoids looking at me, I just avoid him right back and/or show kindness when the opportunity arises. I try not to let him get to me. His behavior has nothing to do with me. He’s just a miserable person.

What’s sad is that my little Hannah has to put up with it. She tells me that Daddy yells at her all the time. This hurts me a lot, but I can’t change him! I couldn’t when we were married and I certainly can’t now. I just have to be the best mom I can be, so that his yelling will be less of a blow. Who knows, eventually, she may to not want to see him. But that will be her choice, not mine. I have to allow him to be the father he chooses to be.

These are all ways I have seen that I must emotionally detach from him. He detached from me emotionally many years ago. I’m only just starting. For having been divorced for 2 months, I think I’m doing really well. I only have one more Divorce Care meeting. I have officially gone through each and every phase of divorce. I am sure I will go through some of them again, but I know I am in a MUCH healthier place today, because I went through the Divorce Care course. It really helped me to recognize and deal with the different stages I was going through. I would much rather heal from this now than later.

The last couple of weeks, I’ve felt like my normal healthy self. I guess that’s why I haven’t written in my blog for a while. I’ve had no trouble sleeping. I show no signs of depression. I got my energy back. I’m not anxious. I don’t feel sad very often. I’m optimistic about my future. I rarely think about things associated with the divorce in a negative way. I still have a little difficulty concentrating sometimes. But that’s about it.

I know, beyond a doubt, that God is healing me, because I have been obedient and faithful. He is providing for my every need. I’m so thankful to not have to go through this alone. I would have made all the wrong choices, like so many do.


  1. Jess,
    The emotional detachment is the hardest especially when you are the one who loved and "hanged-on" longer praying and hoping things would improve. When we finally realize that they have detached themselves so long ago, it hurts but we get over it eventually. I know when I am over a bad situation or someone when I can REMEMBER it/them without RE-LIVING the situation.
    If X is rude and uncivil to you (and I won't mention all the reasons why), pay no attention BUT if he does it in front of Hannah overwhelm him with kindness so that she can see the difference. And believe me, she will.
    Hang in there. You are great and amazing, and it's just too bad, too sad, that he can't see it.

  2. Thanks, Andrea! Hey, I thought you were coming in for a visit?????