The Questions are Coming

My little 4-yr-old daughter has really started asking questions about the divorce. I think it’s good that she feels comfortable doing so. I’ve even started bringing it up more. When talking about friends or family, I mention that certain people are also divorced, which means their kids get to live in two houses just like she does. This way, she doesn’t feel alone in this. I’ve also been using other families to explain the step parent and the possibility other siblings down the road.


I want to make sure that she feels completely comfortable asking any questions that she may have. So far, I really don’t think she sees this as a bad thing. She’s happy having two houses.

However, she has been having lots of nightmares since the separation in Aug ‘09! She dreams the same dream over and over, where a man comes and takes her away from her family. That tells me that there is some hidden insecurity. This saddens me. But I know that I am doing everything in my power to make her feel very secure with me. She is 100% sure of my love for her. I tell her constantly. I spend lots of time with her and NEVER make her feel unwanted. I also NEVER talk badly about her daddy to her. She doesn’t need to know what her father did to her mother and her. The time will come one day when she will need to know, and it’ll be her daddy who gets to tell her. But for now, as hard as it is to me, I must build him up as a Prince in her eyes.

What’s hard is she tells me how Daddy and others in his house yell at her all the time. I know she’s bound to be pretty sensitive with the voice rising, because I just don’t do that at all with her. So, if she compares me with anyone else, she may think they are yelling. Yet, her daddy yelled at both of us all the time when he lived here, so I imagine it’s mostly true.

I just have to keep in mind that a lot of parents yell at their kids. I do happen to be extremely patient. The yelling will not be the end of the world for Hannah’s development. In so many ways, I will have to be the very BEST mother I can possibly be to counteract any of the negative affects she gets from spending time with him. She needs to be with him, for her own good. She needs to know her father loves her and wants to be with her. But if he tells me he’d rather not have her on his day, I will gladly take her, myself, as I have all summer. He chose to not spend time with her during the day, only at night. I could get upset and tell him, that he’ll have to work it out. He is an equal parent, after all. But I choose to see it differently. I see it that Hannah is able to spend even more time with me, the healthy parent. This will allow me to be even more of an influence for her this summer before school starts again. So far, we’ve had a great summer. I have had many behavior issues to work on that she learns at her daddy’s house. But we’re conquering them one at a time.