Sunday, June 20, 2010

An Upsetting Find

Today is Father's Day.  I think I've taken it quite well.  My daughter still has a father, so I can be thankful for that.  I didn't have to see him at all, which is good.  But the challenge came when my friend told me I should buy him a gift.  "What?!?!?!?!  Are you kidding me?  Not after what he did to me!"  Then he didn't even get anything for ME for Mother's Day.  I owe him NOTHING. 

For the next several days, I thought about this.  I got angry and sad.  But eventually I realized that my friend was right.  I need to be the bigger person.  I need to kill him with kindness, as they say.  So, as difficult as it was, I bought "Bringing Up Girls" by James Dobson on CD for him.  I figured it was a gift that would end up helping Hannah, if he even listens to it.  He doesn't read, so I knew a book would collect dust.  I wrapped up really nice in a gift bag and made a nice little tag for it.  I even dropped it off at his house yesterday to make sure Hannah could give it to him first thing in the morning. 

Yes, I swallowed my pride and did the right thing.  I hope he appreciated it, but it really doesn't matter.  God is proud of what I did, and that's all that matters.  I was obedient to God alone.  Isn't that all we're called to do? 

The unfortunate thing that happened today was when I opened Pandora's Box.  I've been doing some organizing and came across a bag of old mail and cards.  Well, this stuff dated back to when we were dating.  I found a stash of love notes from each of us!!!  I read them, with tears flowing down my cheeks.  We were in LOVE!  How did we get here from there?  Based on the notes, we couldn't be apart.  We missed each other every moment.  Even my X would leave the house, while I still slept at times, and he would leave little love notes for me around the house as newlyweds. 

How could he go from one extreme to the other?  Here's my guess.  He lusted me, not loved me.  Lust is a feeling that does eventually wear off.  Love is a choice that is never self-serving and never dies.  I chose to love my X, which is why I'm having so much trouble letting go now.  I loved him even in spite of his cruelty and infidelity.  I loved him unconditionally. 

He used to tell me he loved me all the time, even just before the divorce, but I would always tell him, "Actions speak louder than words."  He didn't show me love.  I may not have said it often, but I showed it.  That is so much more important!  And when I did say it, you can be sure I really meant it. 

Now, what to do with these memories of a love long gone???  Some of them, I gave to Jady, for him to surely toss, hoping that he may just read them and feel bad.  But I decided that I'd pick a certain few to keep for Hannah.  I want her to know that she was born from LOVE.  Her parents once loved each other.  How we got here?  She'll have to ask her Daddy that one. 

She has asked us, "Why doesn't Daddy live with Mommy anymore?"  I tell her the truth.  We are divorced.  Of course, she wonders what's divorce?  I tell her that we are no longer married.  She pretty much leaves it at that for now.  I want to be open and honest with her.  When she asks, I will tell her the truth, down to what did Daddy do.  Then I'll tell her to go ask her daddy.  But I expect it'll be many years before we hear that question.  My X will have to be the one to answer her that.  It has to come from him. 

But over all, I did pretty well today.  Hannah's daddy doesn't have to live with me, as long as she has one.  I pray that God will make him the best daddy possible.  I pray that he will be convicted and will draw near the Lord.  I pray that he will desire change for the sake of his daughter.  I pray that he will never hurt her!!!


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  2. Wow thank you for sharing that. I get a feeling that he truly loved you all this time. Perhaps, a good counselor could help him sort his feelings.
    ana (bella's mom)
    amazing how we have been going thru the same thing at the same time!

  3. Well, I'm proud of you, too, for having the courage to do the right thing and buying him a Father's Day Gift. I'm sorry he didn't get you one for Mother's Day, but don't ever let his hurtful and inconsiderate actions deter you from doing the right thing. Continue being a great example for Hannah; maybe next year she can pick out a gift for daddy, even if he doesn’t come through with a Mother’s Day gift. And should you feel that he doesn’t deserve a gift (which may be true), remember that you are doing it for Hannah, not him…and Hannah will see, learn, and know the difference.