Four Common Misconceptions About Forgiveness - By Karla Downing

We are commanded to forgive those that injure us, if we want to be forgiven by God (Matthew 6:14-15). Here are four common misconceptions about forgiveness that make it more difficult to do

It will let the person who wronged you off the hook if you forgive.Forgiveness is about letting go of the right to take revenge into your own hands. When you forgive someone, you turn him/her over to God who judges men righteously and justly. It may not happen in the timing that you would prefer, but it will happen.

The person who wronged you has to apologize first. You are commanded to forgive whether the other person admits the wrong or not and whether the other person apologizes or not. Jesus forgave the people who crucified him while hanging on the cross and they were in the process of cheering his death.

It means you will need to trust the person. Forgiveness is about not getting even; it isn't about giving the person a chance to hurt you again. You shouldn't trust an untrustworthy person. Trust needs to be regained over time. If you trust foolishly, you are almost guaranteeing you will have something else to forgive. Trust is given to people who prove they can do what they promise, who have your best interest in mind, and who have integrity.

It means you need to reconcile with the offender. There are times it is healthy and right to cut off a relationship with someone who repeatedly abuses you, takes advantage of you, hurts you, and makes a relationship so toxic that you have to sever it. This cut off can be for a short time or longer depending on the situation. It should only be used in extreme situations in family relationships, because choosing to not have a relationship with a loved one means that you also face a loss of that relationship and have to work through all the emotions that go along with severing it.

When you correct these four misconceptions about forgiveness, you can work on forgiveness while setting healthy boundaries in your relationships.

Knowing When Enough is Enough

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t "be friends."

A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.

Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.

He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, 

Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.

Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within.

Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else’s man.

Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you.

Author:  Unknown

Hannah Meets the 2nd Girlfriend

Hannah came home yesterday telling me about this female “friend” of her dad’s that hung out with them all day yesterday.  Come to find out, this is his new girlfriend that he didn’t bother telling me about!  I don’t care if he has a girlfriend, but I don’t appreciate him having her around Hannah during his short time with her.  Last night, he even asked me to keep her on his night, seemingly, so he could go out on a DATE!!!  I always plan my life around my time with Hannah!  My philosophy on that is if he asks me to spend extra time with my daughter giving up his own time, I’m going to take it if at all possible.  If he doesn’t want her around, I probably wouldn’t want her around him either.  

Hannah’s dad had a fiancé up until last summer, I guess.  He even had her and her daughter come over and spend the night when Hannah was there.  That pushed me over the edge!!!  It was bad enough that Hannah was forced to spend time with these people she didn’t even like, but then to have immorality modeled for her?  So, of course, I’m feeling pretty flustered about this news.  He only thinks about what’s best for himself, not Hannah.  

Anyway, when asked if she liked this woman, Hannah said yes.  From what I hear from Hannah, she’s tall, brown hair and loves roller coasters.  They’ve been to her town home.  She has no pets or children.  I asked if she’s a Christian.  Hannah said, “She seems like a Christian, because she’s really nice.”  Although really nice is a great thing, that doesn’t make a person a Christian.  So, we shall see.  

So, I’m left wandering if I should say something to her dad about having her around his girlfriends, or just pick my battles and leave it be until I see a problem?  Oh, and Hannah said that they hold hands when together.  That’s how I know this is a girlfriend.  Legally, I know I have no grounds to keep Hannah away from his women.  But the fact is, I do NOT trust his judgment on what is OK to subject Hannah to.  

And we had such peace lately between us.  I guess it was time for an issue to arise.  I guess I should be glad it’s not a new girl every weekend.  

The Bible’s Cohesive Portrait of Sexuality

1. Our physical bodies are good.  God made us as physical beings.  We do not just have bodies, we are bodies, though we are more than just bodies.  
2. God made us sexual beings, male and female, and our sexuality is good.  Genesis 1-2 depicts God creating two types of human beings, male and female, both made in the image of God and both declared to be very good.  
3. We are made for relationship; in Genesis 2:15-24 we learn that even the perfect man is insufficient by himself, even in the perfect environment and in perfect relationship with God himself.  God declares that it is not good that the man be alone; human beings are made for relationship with a complementary version of human being, a man for a woman and a woman for a man.  
4. Humans are created capable of “becoming one flesh: through the joining of their bodies, and the resulting capacity for reproduction in marriage is blessed by God and a blessings from God.
5. Humanity rebelled against God, and in the process broke God’s beautiful gift of sexuality, along with all of his other gifts to us.  As a result, we are rebellious, broken, twisted.
6. God is at work redeeming our sexuality in two crucial ways:  God has revealed his standards or rules for how we are to conduct our sexual lives (and his laws are for our own good; Deut 10:12-13).  God has also offered us a living relationship with him through the death and resurrection of his Son, Jesus Christ, so that we are actually capable of living our lives in a way that gives him pleasure and moves us toward the blessedness he intended for us. 
7. The scriptures reveal to us that sexual intercourse has a meaning fixed and determined by God:  it creates a one flesh union between a man and a woman, a union that is to knit them together in a way that’s supposed to remain permanent through life (and thus this teaching is the foundation for Jesus’ condemnation of divorce in Matthew 19 and Paul’s condemnation of sexual immorality in 1 Corinthians 6).  

I highlighted the parts that really stuck me, personally.  First, human beings are made for RELATIONSHIP!  We are not meant to be alone.  Because of this, I believe that God has picked my future husband and is currently molding him for the day we meet. God's timing is perfect, and I have learned not to rush God.  "He's Got This!"  

Second is that I do feel BROKEN sexually after having been deceived so deeply.  I often wonder how I will ever trust enough to give myself fully to anyone again.  But in the next part, it mentions that God is at work to redeem our sexuality.  This does offer hope that next time will be different, and maybe I will one day heal completely.  This is not easy for me to believe, but that’s what faith is all about.  I am still learning.  What seems impossible to us, comes easily to God.  I must confess, I’m still working on that one.

As a single woman, I will follow the scriptures and keep myself pure for my husband.  I believe what the Bible says about two becoming one flesh to be bound PERMANENTLY.  I get that!  I’ve been told that no man will wait for me.  Well, so be it!  Then I will never marry again.  If I’m not worth waiting for, then he’s not worth marrying.  To me, this is a small sacrifice for your bride.  Besides, I’d love to find a man who shares the same ideals, who also desires to wait.  I want to find a man who is a strong believer, a man of faith, a man already mature in Godly things.  This is another situation I am weak in faith.  It is very difficult to imagine finding a man like that, although I’ve been told they are out there. 

Some tell me I am too picky.  They tell me my standards are too high, that I’m looking for Jesus himself!  Well, so what!  I want to see Jesus in my husband.  What’s wrong with that?  I realize that compromises must be made, and there is no such thing as perfection.  But there are certain standards that I simply think are important, and I should have to waver.  My standards are based on Scripture, too, mostly.  

I am looking for a spiritual leader.  I want someone more mature in Christ than I am.  I’ve been criticized for this, since I have gotten my Master’s degree in Christian counseling, which automatically makes me a little more Bible-wise than the average person, maybe.  Is my standard set to high?  I’ve also been told that it’s ok to entertain the thought of dating a non-Christian in hopes of converting him.  Well, I’ve already been in a marriage where I tried to change my husband.  That obviously didn’t go well.  I want someone strong enough in their faith to have proper morals instilled in him.  

I could go on, but I think I’ll save it for another blog….

What I've Learned Through My Pain

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (NASB) "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."

"...our intimacy with the Lord reaches some of its highest peaks when we are at points of greatest personal need. That is exactly why we have to train ourselves to a new view of pain if we are to keep climbing. We must discipline our minds to the notion that all pain can be a school in which one can learn." ~Gail MacDonald

This is something I have meditated on over the past 3 years.  I have experienced great pains of the heart, which God has so graciously consoled.  Sure, in the midst, I did some yelling at God...."Why me?!?!?!” I would exclaim.  God never left my side, even when I felt the most alone.  I always felt His presence.  I never turned away from God.  In fact, I did the opposite.  I made my life revolved around God, alone.  

God was shaping me into a strong woman, who is willing to share her testimony to help others.  God can and already has sent me to intervene in the lives of suffering women to offer hope.  

When my life first fell apart, I couldn’t see past today.  All I could see was my pain.  But 3 years later, I see a courageous woman who is about to finish her Master’s in Mental Health Counseling.  I have learned through my own healing and my education how to be a great Christian counselor.  Imagine the difference I will be able to make as a counselor!  

Spiritually, I have learned to depend fully on God.  I have learned not to focus too passionately about my own desires, but make my desires His desires.  For example, I desperately want more children.  But I realize that may not be God’s plan for me.  I accept that God knows better than I do what I need.  So, instead of worrying about my fertility, I trust that God has a plan to prosper and not to harm me.  I could consume myself with dating and trying to find a husband, but I’m not.  I’m living season by season.  Right now, and for the past 3 years, my focus is on finishing my Masters…after Hannah, of course.  Now that my educational season is coming to a close, I do wonder if dating may fit into God’s plan.  But I’m not worrying about.  I believe God has already chosen a future spouse for me, and we will meet when the timing is right.  If I was to go out and rush things, I may marry the wrong guy.  

My prayers have changed, too.  I used to ask for what I wanted.  Now, I still ask, but ask for God’s will above my own.  I ask seeking His best!  When I need to make a decision, I ask for guidance, wisdom and discernment.  I ask God to make His path for me clear.  I have learned that peace is in the direction God chooses.  So, I wait for the peace.  

I’m so thankful everyday for God’s love!!!  I’m thankful that I will never be alone, for He is always with me.  I’m thankful for God’s grace and mercy in my life.  I’m thankful for the many blessings He has given me.  My God takes really good care of me!  I need nothing more...

An Awkward Moment, and Yet a Sign of Healing

Tonight is the 1^st annual “A Date with Your Princess” at Hannah’s school.  I worked to get Hannah all dolled up for her very first date….with her father.  He came to the door with flowers.  But he needed to come in and change clothes, since he came directly from work.  This was the first time he was in my house in over 3 years!!!  I watched him struggling to button some stubborn buttons and actually offered to help, even with the one at his neck….AWKWARD!!!!  Thankfully, I didn’t have to help with his tie!  I was even able to take photos of the two of them, knowing that Hannah would want to remember this moment.  

Now that they’ve gone, I’m left feeling flustered from this uncomfortable experience.  But at the same time, I am super proud of myself for making it through and even participating for the sake of my daughter.  I do realize that a girl’s first love should be her father.  That has not been going well, so I wanted to make this event really special for her!  As difficult as it is for me, I want her to learn to respect and adore her father…for her own sake.  

As I look back, I can see how far I’ve come!  I am not angry anymore.  I still don’t care to spend any amount of time with the ex or talk with him, but at least we are able to co-parent as a team for the most part.  Most of the time, we are civil with each other.  Yes, I do avoid him at all costs.  Usually, I only have to see him when he drops off Hannah on Sunday morning every other week.  This week, I had to see him 3 times!!!  I prefer not to, but if I must, I am strong enough to handle it.  I still don’t really look him in the eye much.  But I don’t feel the intense evil protruding from him as I did before when he continued to try to hurt me. 

 I guess the fact is we’ve both done some changing.  I believe in giving credit where credit is due.  I have seen the ex’s effort to remain calm and even apologize after losing his temper during an argument.  He does see Hannah every week, not a lot, but he does.  He does take her fun places sometimes.  He makes a conscious effort to avoid arguments with me.  Many didn’t expect him to stick around this long, but he has.  

So, I am thankful for the growth and healing over the last 3 years.  I know this would not have been possible without GOD!!!  I have prayed for this night as I do for many others.  God is good, and he will be at the date with them.  I pray that Hannah’s dad will treat her like a princess and teach her what to expect from a man.  I pray that this will be an evening of bonding between them.  May she fall in love with her father tonight…

It's A New Year 2013

It has been too long since my last blog 9 months ago.  Life has gotten much more complicated now that I started internship.  I don't even have time to date, let alone write a blog.  I am a senior now in grad school.  I graduate in 4 months!!!  I do hope that with school over life will be less complicated.  It is really hard being a single mom, grad student, home owner.  I get so tired with all I must accomplish just to maintain my life.  Currently, I work at my internship site 3 days per week for 5-6 hrs per day.  I have class 2 nights per week.  I pick up Hannah from school at 3 pm almost every day.  Her dad has her 3 nights per week, but he doesn't get home till around 7pm.  Sometimes I can drop her off with someone around 5pm, so I can have a little of an evening to myself.  He has her 2 whole days per month, since I have her every Sunday.  This is to just give an idea of my schedule.  In all that I must fit in taking care of my yard, my house, fixing problems in my house, homework, grocery shopping, other shopping, etc.  When Hannah has a holiday, she stays with me almost always.  When she has an event at school, I am there.  I often feel like I am constantly on the go.  Thankfully, I am good at multitasking.  I can get a lot done in a little time.  I am very motivated and can endure a lot.

I took a whole month off school and work for winter break this year.  I took the first week as a vacation, taking Hannah on a cruise.  The rest was like running a marathon to get stuff done that had been on my to-do list for too long.  I pressure cleaned my drive way myself.  I painted every white surface in my house (doors/baseboards), including a stool.  I organized my office.  I had a bathroom remodeled, which I painted.  And the list goes on.

I have not gone on a date since the last post.  But I have had a couple of "interests", where there was chemistry, but not bite.  I really haven't had time for a relationship.  In fact, I didn't really even crave for it till my winter break.  I guess now I see that I'm starting my last semester.  It is like my life is finally going to settle down, at least I hope.  I plan to take the summer off to spend with Hannah, and then look for a job.  As the new year started, I just had this feeling that this year was going to be different.  I feel like a new chapter will begin with graduation.  God has placed a new desire in my heart.

I like my life as it is, as a single mom.  However, I feel like it would be nice to share the load with someone.  I would love to one day see myself as a "help-mate" as God intended a wife.  Of course, I also desire companionship.  I enjoy my alone time, but I will soon have more evenings to myself without having classes.  As it is now, Hannah is away 3 nights per week, 2 of those nights I spend in class.

At the same time, I am so thankful for the life God has blessed me with.  Hannah is such a joy to me, my companion.  She is my "mini-ME" in so many ways!  We have similar interests and enjoy spending time together.  But there is something to be said for having an adult companion to share time and interests with.  We shall see...