Counting Down to D-Day.....

The mood has changed today. I don't know why. I was doing so well, feeling so positive. But today I feel sadness. I've been settling my finances, which included going to the bank with the X today to separate all joint accounts. I don't know if the accounts reminding me of the termoil he caused using those accounts, or if this was just one step closer to D-Day. It is all so final.


I do not feel that I am making a mistake divorcing him. I am most certain to have no regrets later. He has been nothing but horrible to me for so many years and then living this double life. It has been no marriage. But I still can't seem to hold back the tears. I guess it hurts that my marriage didn't work. I didn't sign up for this. I love him, but he doesn't love me. Love is a choice, and he doesn't get that. He never will. I've given this 6 months to make sure. He will not change.

Being alone has its perks, too. Really, life is good. I have more time to myself to get things done. I still have plenty of time with my little princess. Thank GOD, I am still financially secure for now. I still get to be a stay-at-home mom, but don't have to worry about the duties of being a wife. Believe me, that's a relief!

God really worked this all out for me and for Hannah. It doesn't usually happen this way. I am better off now. I was prepared to give up everything to follow God's will for my life. I was committed to doing the right thing at any cost. And now, because of my faithfulness, God is filling me with His blessings.

Then why do I feel so sad. I'm going to be able to move on with my life and be free of this man who has tormented me and has been unfaithful for all these years. It's just that marriage is supposed to be forever. I still remember our wedding day. He seemed so right. I could not have imagined him doing these things to me at that time.

We were planning to move to Venezuela, where he's from, and start a church there...our very own ministry. He was in church every week before we even met. In fact, I started going with him to church when we met. I didn't have a car on campus at UF. He was saved....a Christian! We were going to start our life and ministry together. So, what went wrong? Why the change in him? Why??? I did everything right. I was loyal, submissive, loving, etc. He just stopped trying...I guess when he fell out of love with me. The infatuation ended and greed set in. He wanted MORE!

I expect the pain he's caused will subside with time. It just hurts so bad to remember what he did to me....and I was so unaware. I'm thankful, though, for my friends, friends who have volunteered to go with me next week to the courthouse to finalize my divorce. What would I do without them? I feel my arms being raised by my friends.... Thank you, Pascale and Gisel. Thank you for being there! Thank you for watching out for me and giving your time to walk me through this. You're the BEST!

Tomorrow will be another day, hopefully a happier day as I continue working on my budget and banking. God is good, and I'm thankful that I have money to budget! May I be a good steward of the money God has given me....

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One Week to Go

The date has been set for our final hour. The divorce will be official on April 6th. How do I feel? I think denial for now. I just would rather not think about it. I choose to focus on the excitement of starting over, getting another chance for happiness.

In the meantime, my X is still not speaking to me. But as long as he's good with our daughter, I try not to let it bother me. If we can't stay married, why try to be friends. I must learn to let a lot of things go. He's no longer my husband. This gives me the right to not let his quirks concern me.

In a way I'm happy that the divorce is only taking about 2 months to complete. I just want to be able to move on. I just want to close this whole chapter of my life, a chapter of misery. My "family" is now redefined as me, Hannah, Sasha (dog) and Angel (cat). My home is full of estrogen, and I like it that way.

I was never allowed to have pets with my X. I forgot how much joy animals bring. I am never alone! Last week, Hannah and I had a Disney vacation for spring break, and we brought Sasha and Angel with us. They are quite a pair. There was no way I could separate them. They did great! I would have missed them terribly if we had left them. God truly blessed me with two furry angels.

The Final Hour

We had our divorce mediation less than a week ago. I was a nervous mess, even though I knew that my Lord would provide. Faith has brought me this far, but this day was going to decide the rest of my life. I know fear is not of God. I was content with what I was left with even if that meant no roof over my head, going back to work, sharing holidays, living in poverty. You see, I haven't worked in about 6 years or so. I have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology, which I can't do much with. I had started Grad school at Barry University 8 yrs ago, but my husband made me quit saying that I wouldn't need it since I'll stay home with our kids. Little did I know that this was just one more way to control me. Before I met him, I planned to go all the way for my Doctorate. I hoped to write a book. I loved the Master's program, and yet I had to give it up.

God has given me a real since of peace about my future. There has been no decision made by me that God did not hand to me. Later I will share my whole story....the story that began last August 2009. The last 6 months have changed my life forever, I believe for the better. I have grown so much closer to God through this trial.

At this point the worst is behind me. The mediation couldn't have gone better! I have a new since of security. I learned that God is even in control of the most powerful people, like my father-in-law. He just worked everything out for me through him. I will be financially supported for the next 5 years and be able to start my Dual Master's Program again at Barry University in the fall. I am so excited about with God has in store for my ministry. He is orchestrating some amazing things in my life. I can only hope that I will measure up. I have given my life over to God. I will never work in a secular job again. I want God to use me to bless others. I have faith that when I am done with my Master's God will place the perfect job in my lap without me even having to apply. They will come to me. I've already had offers!!!

I am excited about my future as I encourage others to seek God in the midst of their trials. He will be a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path to get me through another day. Take it one day at a time, and ask God to make every decision for you! He will not leave you or forsake you! He has walked by my side through this roller coaster I've been on. He is the only husband I will ever need!

Reflecting on a Rainy Day

As I reflect on this rainy day, it reminds me of how I feel. I have been under a cloud for the last week. I can't seem to get above it as much as a pray and read scripture. Saturday I tried to distract myself with hard work in the garden, much needed. I laid 15 bags of mulch after pulling all the weeds and trimming with my neighbor's electric hedge trimmer. That was a first! I planted some new cheery flowers. I fixed all the sprinklers and landscape lighting. It was a lot of work and I HURT from head to toe! My arms are all scratched up. I think I need longer gloves for this.


It worked as a temporary distraction, but I fell back into the darkness. I suppose God can even have a plan for my mood, but I pray that He will change my attitude. My gloom started when my husband stabbed me in the back yet again. I feel deceived all over again. He hired a lawyer using MY credit card!!! I haven't even paid my own lawyer, because I didn't want to use credit. I have been filled with anger over this, but trying my BEST to not act on my feelings. I must confess I did do some yelling, which I apologized to my husband for and asked God for forgiveness. Anger is normal, but acting based on anger is a sin. I am a sinner just like the next person.

I've also started scrapbooking again in hopes of getting caught up. I am a year behind, which means I must go back to those old pictures showing my husband pretending to be a family. It has been very painful to put photos of him in the albums, but I realize I must for Hannah. He's her Daddy and he was there. But those pictures of him are VERY SMALL, purposely! Seeing those pictures reminds me of what he was up to behind my back. It reminds me of the pain he caused. It forces me to wonder and imagine. I just can't bear the thought of seeing MY HUSBAND doing these things. And then he was in church during that time every week doing the Power Point presentation. He truly lived a double life.

On the other hand, I'm trying to forget the past and move on with my life. I'm trying to accept life as it is and live it to the fullest to glorify God. He does have a plan in all of this, but I have difficulty getting beyond my human nature to feel sorrow. I expect this will be a constant battle in the months to come, especially through the divorce proceedings. God be with me!

And So My Blog-Life Begins

And so it begins, a new chapter in the life of Jessica Abou. This isn't what I signed up for, but I guess God had other plans. My husband and I had been married 8 yrs when my world was turned upside down. Last August 2009 I discovered that my husband had been living a double life. The life I knew included our 3 yr old daughter, a nice home, nice cars, and church every Sunday. My husband even did the Power Point for the service. Our marriage had had problems for the last 4 yrs or so, but little did I know the real reason.

It turns out, by looking at my bank statements; he had been entertaining women for the past 4-5 years outside of our marriage. I was devastated and shocked. It was more than I could bear!

Well, 6 months have passed now, and God has worked immensely in my life. I have grown closer to Him by leaps and bounds through this trial in my life. I started reading the Bible daily. I joined two Ladies Bible Studies during the week through two different churches. I continued going to my church every Sunday as well as Bible Study and choir practice. My husband also continued to attend church there. It was a nightmare, and all I wanted to do was wake up a year later to see myself in a better place. Well, it wasn't that easy.

I fell to my knees night after night as I found out more and more of the deception my husband had been covering up. Finally, I told him to leave with the help of the pastor. I've been living as a single mom since August of 2009. I did seek restoration of our marriage if at all possible, but he did not show enough effort, so I decided to file for a divorce a week ago.

A lot has happened in my heart in the last 6 months. In fact, I think I've grown spiritually more in those 6 months than in my whole lifetime. God speaks to me. He answers my prayers, or at least I've learned to listen. He has given me the peace that surpasses all understanding. I could be very scared right now, being that I am a stay-at-home mom without work. My husband wanted me to quit grad school to stay home with our daughter. I was never to work, but always be available for Hannah. Now all of a sudden, I am at risk of losing my home, my van, my financial stability. But in the midst of all of those threats, I find peace in knowing that God will provide for me, and He has through all of this.

I picture God walking through this with me, holding my hand and cradling my young daughter in his arms. He has given me more strength than I could have ever expected. He has offered me divine appointments of ministry with others who may be contemplating divorce. I have been able to share my faith through each twist and turn to my Ladies' Bible Study groups.

I know because of God I have a brighter future ahead of me, and for that I am thankful. In fact, I can even be thankful for all the deception, because I have become a better person for it. It was hard, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but it was worth it. I know now what faith really is! I know now what it really means to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. He is the only HUSBAND I will ever need. And even as Valentine's Day is tomorrow, I am not sad or in despair. I have the joy of the Lord in my heart. My 4-yr-old daughter and I have quite the date night planned. I'm so thankful to have her, the one TRUE love of my life!!! She is such a gift of God, and a wonderful thing that came from my marriage. God bless you all.... And Happy Valentine's Day!