The Desire is Back

I'm feeling better everyday, just accepting the whole engagement thing. Thank God it isn't a situation of wanting him back. I feel sorry for this other woman!!! She has NO idea what's coming! It makes me laugh to think about it. But Hannah is no laughing matter. I love her more than life itself!!! I would die for her in a hearbeat! And she knows it.

On a different note, in church on Sunday I held my friend's baby girl, while she took her son to the bathroom. She's just over 1 yr old. I sang and rocked her back and fourth. Do you know how long it's been since I've been able to hold a baby?!?!?!?! Before my spinal surgery, I was in too much pain. And I'm known to be a baby stealer. Anyway, she fell asleep in my arms. I was in HEAVEN! Made my day!!!!! That was the morning I found out about the engagement. I so needed that! I started to cry. Holding her made me think of when I did the same every Sunday morning with Hannah when she was a baby. Could this be God's way of telling me that He has a whole other life for me....that I will still find a good husband and even have another baby? I also didn't have Hannah with me that Sunday, knowing she was with the fiance. I was hurting. I missed her and worried about her.

Let me tell you, I was tempted to keep that baby! After all, she is my God-daughter anyway!!! She is beautiful. I've been trying to hide my desire for another baby with pets. I've adopted 2 pets in the last year, and am looking for another kitten! I guess nothing can EVER replace a baby. Who knows what God has in store. The Lord knows, there’s still time.

This photo is of Hannah around that age. 

Engaged Already???

Yep, that’s right! The X is engaged! Everyone who has seen them together claimed it didn’t seem like it would last. Then what happened? This is the rebound. They started dating in June, supposedly, and we were divorced the April before. He claims they met on the beach down here, when she was visiting family. She lives in Orlando and plans to move down here with her 5 yr old daughter. She’s from Argentina, lives with her mom, has never been married, doesn’t work, and is a student. That’s about all I know.

Hannah never talks about this woman, which tells me she doesn’t interact with her much…NOT a good sign! When Hannah likes someone, she talks about them non-stop! She does seem to like her daughter.

The X has already told Hannah all about the upcoming wedding and how she and the other little girl gets to be the flower girls. OMGsh! Is this real??? The first thing Hannah said when she came in the door was, “Mommy, guess what!!! Daddy’s getting married!” Then she went on and on about it all evening. She seemed excited, which I guess is good. She told me that the woman and her daughter will move down here. I asked, “Where will they live?” She said, “With Daddy at Ya-Ya’s house (his mom)”. Oh, boy! That won’t go over well!

What is he thinking. The X doesn’t have a job, can’t keep one. He’s living in his mother’s house with his whole family. He’s muching off his dad for his expences, and now he’s going to get married?!?!?!?! This guy lives in la-la land! Does he really think his dad is just going to support his NEW family? WOW! This guy knows NOTHING of responsibility!!!

Really, I don’t care what he does. If he wants to remarry, it’s none of my business. Personally, I’m very glad to be rid of him. But HANNAH is my business!!! Obviously, this marriage won’t last. What will multiple wives down the road do to Hannah? Who is this other woman who will help to raise MY daughter?!?!?! And I have NO say-so in this . That just isn’t right! I gave birth to this child and raised her, basically ALONE up until the divorce, for GOD’S sake!!!!!

This is just one more trial for me to overcome. I’m still thankful for my faith. I am in shock right now. But over all, I have the assurance that God is in control of even this. God loves Hannah even more than I do! That is hard to imagine. He will NOT let this harm her. If anything, just like me, she will grow stronger because of her own trials. I just have to be the BEST mom I can be! She’ll figure out what her father’s priorities are on her own. I don’t say a negative word about him. I do often have to explain his bad behavior, like when she complains about his yelling. I only tell her that this is just how he communicates. I tell her that if she doesn’t want him to yell, then she shouldn’t do anything to upset him.

The other dilemma is that he doesn’t take Hannah to church on his weekends anymore. That goes against everything we agreed on when she was BORN! However, every Sunday right now is MY TIME. I have her Sunday nights, so that means I get her all day on Sunday. Previously, I compromised with him allowing him to take her to church on his Sundays, then bringing her to me later. Well, if he’s not going to take her to church then he can’t have her on my day anymore. I can then take her to church every Sunday. Well, now he wants to have Sunday’s too, on his weekend. But he also has Mondays, becauase I’m in school late that day this semester. So, Hannah would be with him 4 nights in a row!!! That’s WAY too much time away from her mommy!!!! So, what to do?

My intention is not to be mean or punish him….or even to keep Hannah away from this woman (fiance, I guess). I just want her in church on Sundays. SO, what to do? I lost a lot of sleep last night over this. I don’t want to be stressed about it. I want to leave it to God. I’ve prayed for wisdom. I need so much wisdom to live through my life!!! It seems it’s always something.



Surviving

I survived my one week intensive course last week in Grad School. Above is a photo of the whole class.  I was in class for 48 hrs in 6 days. I picked up Hannah after class around 5:30 pm everyday, and did homework after she went to bed. I had papers due everyday. The class was Multi-Cultural Counseling, which I loved. I could not believe how much I learned in such a short time. I really believe the class changed me.

I also found out that I made A’s in all 3 of my classes from my first semester, which was a very stressful semester! I am SOOOO relieved! I needed some good news. I start 3 more classes next week, and still have to write my 12 page research paper for last week’s class. So, it’ll be another busy week, but what’s new. All I know is I don’t have Hannah next weekend, so I will have that time if needed…..it will be needed!

As far as recovering from surgery, it’s been a long one. It’s been a month since the surgery, and I still have 2 more weeks in the neck brace. I have grown tired of it. I have also found that I am self-concious about the scar across the front of my neck. I just didn’t expect it to be so obvious. Here I am, single, and look like I tried to commit suicide! I’m afraid to even think about dating. I’ve never seen myself as perfect looking, but I’ve been self-confident. That’s all changed. I know the scar will fade, and probably not even be noticable….eventually. But what about NOW?!?!?! *sigh* I know wors things can happen. On the bright side, I have noticed that I get better service in stores when I come in with my neck brace. I mean, really! It is obvious! For example, at Target they let me return stuff that I would have NEVER gotten away with returning normally. I didn’t even have a reciept for a couple items. They didn’t even carry one of them anymore, so she used a bar code from a totally different item. HA! I probably made money from that return. So, I guess there are benefits.

Sorry...I had to put my cat in there, because she is my stress reliever.  This is her favorite spot.  I have to walk by this sofa all day long.  And she is just irresistible!  I then have to put my face in her soft belly and listen to her purrrr...  It's heaven, hence her name, Angel. 

Christmas Morning without My Daughter

Looking back, Christmas this year didn’t turn out too bad. Divorce is a terrible thing, but it has its benefits…I guess. Hannah spent Christmas Eve and morning with her dad, Tia, Tio and Abuelos, opening gifts there. Then Christmas afternoon, she came to open gifts with me and my mom. She was already excited from her first Christmas.


Christmas morning I just kept myself busy being productive. I hung Hannah’s 5-yr-old pics on the wall, which has been waiting to be done. And I did this while in my neck brace after having spinal surgery just 1 ½ wks ago! I also painted Angel’s paw print ornament from last year, which was fun for me. I like to be crafty, just don’t have time for it anymore.

Hannah was brought over by her father around 1 pm. It was hard to get out of her what she got from over there. All she mentioned was clothes and the Walking Kitty she asked Santa for. I asked her about the princess bike, which reminded her that she got that, too. HA!

She first attacked her stocking, digging as deep as it would go. Then she started under the tree. Every time she opened something really great, she would throw her hands up and scream with joy! Then she’d say, “Thank you, Mommy! You’re the best! Or she’d say the same to Santa. She’d come give me a big hug! This made it all worthwhile. The look on her face was priceless!!!

This was the X’s year to have Hannah for Christmas, and yet, he let me have her for the afternoon, then picked her up that night. I know he didn’t have to do that. I expressed my gratitude several times to him. His comment was, “I did it for Hannah.” Well, let’s make that clear! HA! He certainly wouldn’t do it for me. It doesn’t matter why he did it. It still shows that he thought of someone else over himself, unless of course he just wanted to take a nap that afternoon and wanted some peace. It really doesn’t matter, though. I gave up on trying to understand his motives a long time ago. I got to celebrate Christmas on the day, and that’s all that matters!

Alone On Christmas?

I've felt the depression bug, lately. I've had SOO much going on in my life all at once since Sept....nonstop. I started grad school, which was really hard by itself as a single mom! Then, I've had this 3 month battle trying to get my van back from a body shop, which has taken a lot of time, money and emotions. Now, I had this horrible spinal surgery right before Christmas, knowing I don't get my baby on Christmas day.

Let me just say, thank GOD for my mother!!!!!!! I would be a balling mess this week if she hadn't come to take care of everything. I really mean that. I was at some times, anyway. I've just been overwhelmed. The unknown is very difficult. My X also has been a jerk, but what's new.

My mom, though, has been here since last Friday. She came home right after I did from the hospital and agreed to stay until the day after Christmas, so I didn't have to be alone in this "state".

I'm unable to drive. Don't have a car, anyway. I would have to depend on others for groceries and would NOT have been able to have Hannah by myself all week, because I wouldn't have been able to take care of her. I can barely take care of myself! And I really wanted to spend this time with Hannah over the holiday even though I can't take her anywhere. Because of my mom, Hannah was with me all week, and spent some nights with her dad. Hannah helped my mom take care of me...so sweet.

Anyway, I do know what it feels like to just want to give up! I have truly wanted to dig a hole to burry myself in. I needed an escape. And now, my photo printer broke. It's a $500 printer. I know that's not a necessity, but I'm a photographer and I do all my own printing at home. Photos are very important to me...my legacy. It was just one more thing!

Ok, how about some good news! My lawyer picked up my van from the body shop and took it to a shop he trusts to get it looked over. That shop found some missed problems from the accident that still need to be fixed. I've had to put out about $5000 to get my van back! When I should have paid NOTHING out of pocket!

But just the fact that the van is out of the other body shop’s hands is SUCH a relief. We're suing them for $15000!!! I don't know if we'll win that much, but I sure hope to get my money back, at least. It'll be about a 6 mos fight, so this isn't over.

I will have Hannah Christmas afternoon, which I'm very thankful that he's allowing. My mom will leave Sun AM. I'm thankful for the small piece of Christmas I will get to spend with Hannah. I'm also thankful that my mom is here. YOU have no idea what that has meant to me! I will have to find a way to thank her properly, really. I don't know what I would have done without her.

These are the times where I miss having someone. Going through a surgery like this alone is not possible when you have a child...and pets, for that matter. But my mom stepped in to fill that void. Thanks, Mom!

Can I Find the Blessings in All This???

This is the time of year when families celebrate Christmas with time together, gifts, food, and fun. And yet, I just had spinal surgery and am stuck at home in a neck brace. I have stitches across the front of my neck that reminds me of Frankenstein!!! Thankfully, my mom was able to come at the last minute. I was under the impression that it wouldn’t be so bad, well, it IS! I am in a lot of pain, and seeing the terrifying wound just makes it worse. Yes, finals are done. That was a big load off. But I’m still left with a difficult recovery from this surgery and still have no car, since the body shop is trying to steal it. I’m in the process of suing them. Everything has gone wrong all at once, and at such a special time of the year. Can I find the blessings in this?


Besides all that, Hannah will spend Christmas with her father, who has NEVER cared about celebrating Christmas before. It’s MY holiday! I’m the one with all the traditions. She says she wants to be with me on Christmas, but he won’t let her. Therefore, I will be left in this mess alone on Christmas.

I keep hoping and praying that my life will get better. This has been a tough year! I was divorced. I dealt with Hannah’s emotional instability after having to meet her dad’s girlfriend. I had two surgeries in the past 3 months. I started Grad School full time. I got in a car accident, which left my car in the hands of crooks, who I’m having to sue to get my car back. That battle has gone on for 3 months.

I really do need a brighter year. I would love to see better days….days of peace. This is my prayer. I pray for a peaceful new year. I pray that my neck will feel better, pain free. I pray that I will have my van back and I will win the lawsuit against the body shop. I pray that the classes I take in the spring will not be too challenging, and that I will learn a lot.

I’m just exhausted. I need a break from my own life. I just need peace.

Best Predictor of Divorce

This facts below are something I learned in my Human Growth and Development class in grad school.  Sorry I haven't written in a while.  I have finals and am actually having spinal surgery next week.  In addition, I'm having to sue the body shop, who's had my van for 3 months, since my car accident.  They're refusing to finish and charging more than they promised....CROOKS!  Yes, my life has once again become complicated!!!  Satan must be threatened by me!!!  He's trying to get me down, but with God, I will prevail!!!

Best Predictor of Divorce:


• High level of negative affect reciprocity – likelihood that negative emotions in 1 will follow from the other’s negative emotions

• Negativity that predicts divorce

1. Criticism

2. Defensiveness

3. Contempt

4. Stonewalling

• Positivity – ratio should be 5:1, positivity: negativity

1. Humor interest

2. Affection

3. Validation

4. Ability to soothe angry or hurt feelings