Yesterday was a better day, because I got out and worked in my yard, which I enjoy so much. It really is therapeutic for me. But today....was difficult. I don't know why. It should have been fun and distracting being that Hannah and 2 big Easter parties today. Maybe it was seeing other kids with their families and knowing Hannah doesn't have that anymore. And with the X not being there, it was hard, but then I remembered that he was never at any of Hannah's events during our marriage. So, what has really changed...not much? But that made me even sadder...for Hannah. When we married, he always wanted lots of kids, but when we had just one, he disappeared. Why??? Why didn't he want to take this all so important role in Hannah's life? She is the most amazing little girl in the whole world, and I'm not biased! :) She is intelligent, well behaved, talented, sweet, beautiful....etc. What more could he ask for, and yet, it wasn't enough. He was much too concerned with himself.
During our marriage, I got to a point where I decided I was just going to live as if I was a single mother with a sugar daddy, which was kind of my situation. We were financially provided for. I was able to stay home with my precious little girl, except there was no relationship with him. I had to accept that, because I didn't know I had a Biblical way out of my marriage. I often wonder how I didn't see what he was up to. I feel like a FOOL! But then I stop to realize that God allowed the truth to be known when HE was ready. Everything has its perfect timing.
Finding out last August was convenient because Hannah was able to start school, so I could spend the mornings figuring out what I was going to do with this information and working on myself. Thank God I didn't have an infant at home to take care of after receiving such news! But I keep asking myself, why he had to do these behaviors for so many years. It just makes me feel more deceived. And to think, I didn't think he was a good liar...little did I know that he was a pathological liar. How can he live with himself? How can he come home to me after sleeping around with strange women? That, to me, is a very sick man!!! I feel so taken advantage of. I feel dirty.
This is why I try so hard NOT to think about what he did too much. I try to be strong and focus on the positive. I try to focus on my future instead of my past. But how long can I keep my mind in the future. I think, in a way, I may be in denial. I mean, I know what he did, and I've accepted it. I've even forgiven him, but I think I've been WAY too strong. I don't think what he's done has really hit home yet. And I think it will, and to tell you the truth.....I'm scared.
I'm a psych major, so I like to think of myself as being very put together and emotionally healthy. So, what does that make me if I become emotionally unstable over this? Maybe my strength over the past 6 months has just been a cover for how I really feel, for the pain that is hidden deep within, that's just waiting to burst out. I don't want to face those demons. I don't want to hurt anymore.
Some people tell me I should just let it out and let it consume me for a time, and then it'll pass faster, like it is a phase that I must pass through. Then others tell me to be strong and don't let this get the best of me. So, who's right? Maybe I just need to let myself cry. I don't do that....letting myself cry. I always try to be strong for myself and everyone around me.
It's taking its toll on my body. I'm back to not sleeping, yet I don't want to take sleep meds, because it's addictive. My eyes just stay in a bloodshot state. Eye drops don't even work. I try praying when I can't sleep at night, but that just gets me thinking even more. Chamomile Tea helps, but not always.
My divorce will be official in 5 days. Up until this week, I've been anxiously awaiting the time when I could be free of him so that I can move on with my life. Hey, I'm getting a second change at being happy, whether that means alone or with another man. One thing's for sure, God will always be FIRST in my life from now on! My life is not my own. I have died to self and live for Christ!!! I know now what REAL faith is!!! God is so good, and I pray that He will continue to help me through this next phase of the morning process. Because it's true that it feels like I've experienced a death. In a way, a part of me has died. My dream has most certainly died.
But then I must remind myself that there will also be a rebirth of self. I can reclaim the Jessica I once knew, the Jessica that has been locked up for all these 8 years. I adopted my puppy (Sasha) and my kitten (Angel), which have been the BEST thing I could have done during this time. He wouldn't allow me to have pets, and anyone who knows me from way back when KNOWS that I am an animal LOVER! Sasha, my dog, is on my lap right now. As I'm home alone more often, like tonight, I'm never truly alone. I have more furry girls. I'm so thankful for them. God placed each of them with me for a purpose. I prayed so much before adopting them. And God sure did deliver!