Letting Go

What can I say?  I’m thankful on this Memorial Day weekend.  Hannah went with her dad to Orlando for 3 nights…away from Mommy, and survived.  In fact, she thrived!  The two of them stayed in a hotel, which was the agreement.  But they were there to spend time with the fiance and her daughter.  They went to Blizzard Beach and Universal Studios. 

I’m just so happy that he’s doing something fun with Hannah, even if it is just to be with his “other half”.  Hannah looked forward to this trip for a week!  She had a great time, from what I’ve heard.  She didn’t seem to miss me too much, as she didn’t call often. 

Believe it or not, I’m in a different place.  I am not bitter.  I am not angry.  I’m not lonely.  I’ve had 3 days to myself, which is welcome.  Of course, I miss Hannah, but I need a break, too.  I’ve had her 24/7 for so long.  I’m just thankful that she feels secure enough now to leave me for so long.  In fact, I just found out they’re staying another night, because there’s too much traffic driving home.  That will make it 4 nights away from me!  That’s NEVER happened!  The best part is, Hannah is FINE with it. 

I know that God worked this all out.  God has built up her security, as so many have prayed for her.  She’s another person from just a few months ago!  There is no other explaination.  All I want is for my little girl to be OK from all of this divorce stuff.  God has taught me faith once again through this.  He is still watching out for Hannah.  He does care for her, and will not let evil get her down.  I believe he has angels stationed all around her to protect her from things she hears and sees when she’s away from me.  I may not be there with her all the time, but God is.  He is sufficient.

Insecurity Improvement

Thankfully, I have seen improvement with the insecurity Hannah has had.  Thanks to the play therapist her dad and I have been seeing, her dad has not been yelling at her so much.  It has made a HUGE difference.  I have seen her wanting to spend the night with him a lot more now.  She is able to handle 2 nights away from me now.  She still may ask me to come pick her up or may call often, but I’m able to talk her down. 
            This past weekend, I started my summer class.  Hannah’s aunt picked her up from class on Friday.  Hannah spent the night and all day Saturday with her.  I picked her up in the afternoon.  Then Hannah went to her other aunt’s house, by choice, to spend the night.  She came home for church Sunday.  Then she opted to spend Sunday night with her dad, and may spend Monday night, too.  I guess the important thing is that she has seen me everyday.  But I’m glad she’s feeling more comfortable spending nights away from me.  I see that as a big step! 

            Here’s the frustrating part for me:  Even though Hannah spent Friday and Saturday at her dad’s house with her aunt, HE wasn’t ever there!  Apparently, he was in a hotel somewhere locally.  I can depend on his sister more than I can on him to care for HIS daughter!  He chooses which of HIS weekends he wants to spend with Hannah.  I just prepare to keep her every weekend, just in case.  Then he complains that he wants to see her more.  HA!  Prove it!  Anyway, that was me venting… 
            He’s planning to take Hannah to Orlando for Memorial Day weekend to visit his fiance and her daughter.  He’s going to take them to a couple theme parks, from what I hear.  She’ll be away for 3 nights!!!  I’m anxious to see how it goes.  She really seems to like being with them…more so than just with her dad.  She says he’s boring.  He has promised to get a hotel for him and Hannah while there.  That’s part of the deal! 

Another Surgery?

          Trials continue in the life of Jessica.  As seen in previous blogs, in Dec 2010 I had spinal surgery in my neck, which was terribly difficult for me.  Well, I’ve had pain again for the last few months.  I went back to the surgeon, and he’s basically saying that I will probably need to have surgery AGAIN!  What’s happening is the space between my vertebrate are not healing properly.  They should have been fused completely 3 months after surgery.  I’m now on month 5 and both show lack of fusion.  Why do these things happen to me?

                He wants to go in through the back of my neck this time.  He would fuse the vertebrate together and fuse the vertebrate to the spine.  He says this surgery would be less risky than the 1^st.  The problem is that he is not 100% sure this will stop my pain.  This kind of pain can be caused by many different things.  He says it could be a symptom of arthritis forming in my neck from the surgery.  But arthritis is not showing up yet on the scan. 

                If God can really heal, now is the time for Him to do it.  I need a lot of prayer to make this decision.  This is summer, when my load is lighter.  If I’m going to do surgery, summer would be the time to do it.  I have so many things to plan around.  I have a big 1 month road trip planned for July.  I’ve worked SOOO hard to plan my vacation this year, only to have it derailed by this surgery?  I don’t want to wait until Christmas again.  Christmas is a very special time of year where you don’t want to be stuck unable to move.  It seems I live in constant crisis.  Thank you for your prayers!!!

I Met His Fiance and Lived

Oh, last week I was in panic mode. My X and I have been seeing a counselor, who suggested that I get to know the fiance before they get married and before Hannah spends time with her any more. Well, she was to go to see Wicked with her dad, fiance and her daughter over the weekend. We started by the fiance calling me, which didn’t go well.

First off, I was a nervous WRECK, to say the least! The plan was to stick to Hannah and stay off the subject of her relationship with my X. It was going fine, when she asked, “Do you have any questions for me?” My question was, “When and where did you meet my X?” She stubled all over not wanting to answer. I took this as she was witholding simple information, which meant, she must have known him before we were married. I had suspected that she may have been one of the women he was involved with before.

I was out of my mind at this point vowing to keep my daughter from her at all costs! How could I allow some prostitute to help raise my child?!?!?! But we still had the problem of this show Hannah’s been looking forward to for months. I couldn’t tell her she wasn’t going. So, I agreed to let her go ONLY to the show. My X wanted to have her longer. I refused….ONLY the show! He was NOT happy. Then I told him what I was upset about. He, of course denied that she was one of them. I told him I couldn’t trust EITHER of them!

The day of the show, the fiance drove down from Orlando and I met with her for 2 hours at Starbucks, which my X took the girls to Chick Filet. I was on the verge of a panic attack, although I was trying my hardest to stay calm. She was waiting for me inside alone. She came out to greet me. I decided to focus on her, to find out who she is. I discovered that she was born here in Miami, but has lived in Orlando for 11 years. She really likes it there, and it was apparent she will miss everything about living there when she moves here to get married. Her family is from Argentina. She lived there for a while.

Currently, she’s working on her Bachelor’s, has 1 ½ yrs left, studying business/marketing. She has been a realtor. She lives with her mom. She has family in South FL. She was never married, but lived as a family with her daughters father, until he cheated on her. So, she claimed that she would NEVER have broken up a marriage and absolutely was not one of the women my X was with when we were married. At least she does know he was with a lot of women. Poor naïve girl… She did share with me that they met on July 4, 2010 at the beach. She was there with her mom and cousin visiting. I decided it’s in my best interest to assume she’s telling the truth. I’ll never really know what the real truth is, anyway. And it doesn’t matter. What matters is, she’s going to marry him anyway. I need to be “friendly” with this woman.

She seemed very calm and confident. From what she said, I believe that she hopes to change her new husband, knowing that he gets “frusterated” often, which she called it. Oh, little does she know…. But her calm demeaner can only help him to relax, which I’ve decided could just be an asset to me. In fact, after talking to her, I’d rather talk to her than him!

She also told me that her parents divorced when she was 18. So, she has experience in a step-family that worked well. She actually brought up God and that she’s Catholic. We talked about how it looked like God gave her the experience with a step-family knowing that she would be placed in the middle of this now. This brough GREAT peace over me! I realized at that moment that God is still in control, even in this. He has orchestrated it all. He does still have a plan! Who knows, maybe she’ll be able to get through to my X, or at least be a buffer between me and him. I decided to see her as a blessing, not a curse.

The fiance is the kind of person that if I would have met her under different circumstances, we might be friends. We’ve already made plans for the next time she comes to do something, just the 4 girls. My X is NOT invited, of course! She said that she hopes to have a really good relationship with me for Hannah. She also hopes that Jady and I will also improve our relationship. I can picture her behind the scenes encouraging my X to behave well with me. It’s like I’ve got a cheer leader on the inside…just maybe.

I’d rather try to look on the bright side than focus on the negatives. I’d rather see her as an asset, and not an enemy. I am determined to form a healthy relationship with my X’s fiance for Hannah’s sake. This is an example of a mother’s sacrifice. I didn’t want to do any of this. This was VERY scary! I did it for HER, and only for HER! I would do anything for Hannah. This could be SOOO much worse! I am thankful…

1 Year Divorcary

One year has come and gone since my divorce was final. It has been a VERY long year! Looking back, I remember many stressful events in addition to the simple adjustment to being single. I entertained the idea of dating, only to find that I wasn’t ready. I was in a car accident, where the body shop held my van hostage for 3 months. I had to sue them to get it back. I also found out that my ex was engaged and had introduced my daughter to the other woman without my knowledge. Then I had spinal surgery, before even getting my van back. It was a lot harder than I expected. A couple weeks later, I took a week long class, where I was still in pain from surgery and a single mom. I took 4 graduate classes in total this spring, which is a HUGE load! Then Hannah started with her feelings of insecurity and didn’t want to leave my side. It was a battle just to get her to go to school, let alone going with her dad. She never wanted to be away from me, so I’ve had her now for a month with NO break!


So, a lot has happened this past year. I’ve had to adjust to a lot. And even though, we still have trials, like Hannah’s insecurity, we are in a better place than we were a year ago. I am content where I am. I don’t feel the “need” to remarry. I am just fine doing this on my own. I’m not lonely. In fact, sometimes I crave time alone.

I’m thankful for Hannah. She is my world. And though I know it can’t always be like that. I will enjoy her for now. Everything I do, I do it for her. I know I sacrifice of myself for her. I know I need some “me” time. And that will come. Right now, she needs me. I’m thankful for our close relationship.

Hannah's Insecurities

Hannah has gotten to the point where anytime she has to leave my side, there’s a fight. She is having major separation anxiety at age 5! I feel so bad, because it’s hard to tell what I should do. She won’t go with her dad or often even talk to him on the phone. She hangs up on him, or refuses to verbalize to him at all. So, she’s been with me all the time for the past 2 weeks.


She is also too “scared”, as she says, to go to school. It is a fight every morning, some more than others. One morning, she cried all the way to school, then screamed at the top of her lungs when we arrived. I actually had to turn around and take her home with me that day because she was going to vomit. I couldn’t drag her in school like that. She’s just holds so much fear now.

Hannah gets this look of fear in her face as tears roll down her cheeks when I mention that she needs to go to her dad for a couple of nights. She is SCARED! Her dad and I saw a counselor yesterday, a play therapist. He said that she is more aware of what’s going around around her at this age, vs when we got divorced a year ago. She feels out of control of her surroundings, which makes her feel insecure. She says she’s afraid that I won’t come back. She’s afraid of losing her mommy. No matter what I do to build her security, that fear persists.

I am emotionally exhausted listening to the verbal abuse that comes from Hannah’s dad. I just want to take Hannah away and not have to ever hear from him again. I dread every encounter. He is an angry, hateful person. And yet, I still encourage her to speak with him. It doesn’t usually help, anyway. She “wants” to talk with him maybe twice per week, if that.

So, I have Hannah all the time. She always wants to be right by my side, and she isn’t napping much anymore. When am I supposed to get school work done???? After she goes to bed, I have no brain power left to study. I’m a morning person. When she’s in school, I still have all the house work to do, indoors and out, groceries, laundry, etc. I’m spent! I just want to be available when my baby needs me. She is my first priority! I’ll give up anything for her, but that leaves me very stressed when exams and papers are due. How much longer must I run this race??? Will it ever end?

She Made Her Choice....Mommy!

It finally happened. I knew this day would come, but I didn’t think it would be so soon. Hannah told her daddy that she didn’t want to stay with him anymore. She’s been complaining about missing her mommy when she spends nights there. Now, she won’t even GO! I’ve had her with me for a whole week 24/7, which I love, but I have midterms to study for next week. YIKES. My little girl comes first!

Monday and Tuesday she told her dad she didn’t want to go with him. He was fine and allowed her to stay. Thursday, she was all geared up for him to pick her up after work at 7:30 to spend the night with him. When he called on his way, she told him she didn’t want to go…yet again! This time, he got angry. He hadn’t seen her all week! He asked her why. She said, “I miss Mommy.” Apparently, she cries for me every night when she’s there. Of course, he doesn’t tell me that.

He went as far as asking her, “You don’t love me?” Her only response was, “I love Mommy.” Of course, this set him in a rage. He was crying on the phone. He finally hung up, because she wouldn’t budge. Then he came to my door to talk to her in person. She didn’t want to answer it. She made me stay close, afraid he would take her from me. They talked outside the front door. She wouldn’t let me shut the door, keeping me close. Every now and then, he’d start to get loud, and she’d look at me with fear in her eyes. I just nodded. I had explained to her that this has to be between her and her dad. I can’t get involved. I encouraged her to go with him assuring her I would never leave her, that I would be in this house until I went to pick her up from school the next day. She was just to spend the night with him….nothing more. She still refused.

He told her that she broke his heart and hurt his feelings. He was balling by this time. I told her to go give her daddy a hug to make him feel better. He didn’t even hug her back. He begged her to come with him. She held to her decision. I felt aweful! I even felt bad for him, if you can imagine that.

He finally gave up and left. She felt so bad about hurting her dad like that. I could tell she held a lot of guilt, even cried a little and eventually said, “I should have gone with him.” I kept telling her that his feelings getting hurt was NOT her fault. Of course she asked, “Then who’s fault is it, if not mine?” I wanted to tell her that it was his fault, but I knew she’d ask why. I didn’t want to make him look worse to her by telling her that he chose to leave us for another life. I refrained for HER sake! I told her that it was no one’s fault. I explained that she is a 5-yr-old girl who needs her mommy, and there is nothing wrong with that. I told her to follow her heart, and that she made the right choice. I told her that her daddy was a big boy, and that he’ll be OK.

I asked her if she misses him. She said she does, but doesn’t want to see him. I asked, “Well, then what will you do when you miss him?” She said, “I”ll just look at pictures of Daddy, and that’ll be enough.” WOW! I couldn’t believe that! She just totally rejected her dad. I knew this day would come. I just didn’t think it would be this soon.

I asked her why she doesn’t like going to her dad’s house. Keep in mind, he lives in his parent’s vacation home near by with his sister and younger brother. His parents often come and stay for months at a time. She said our house is peaceful, and his is not. She also said that he yells at her and everyone else all the time. She get’s tired of all the yelling. She said, “I need to be in a peaceful house like yours.” WOW! How old is this girl? Yep, only 5.

The next morning, he called and talked to Hannah. I asked how he was doing? She said he was fine. I haven’t heard much about him since. She did mention this morning that she wants a step dad to live in our house. WHAT????? She said, “But he’d better be a good man!” Where is this coming from? I told her, “Well, that’ll be a while, because I don’t know any men.” HAHA! I asked her what he should be like. She said, “He’ll enjoy playing games with me and playing with my toys. He’ll be kind and won’t yell. He’ll be peaceful.” She even added that she’ll have to move back into her own room when he moves in, since he’ll be sleeping with me. I guess I’ve got her blessing to move on!