Divorce Rate on the Rise

Today I watched two young girls for a friend of mine. Turns out she, too, is going through a divorce. Then later today, I found out that another friend of mine with a little girl and two older boys is also going through a divorce. Now, I just feel so down. Why is this happening? Isn’t marriage supposed to be FOREVER?!?!?! Marriage used to be sacred. What happened to those days when men took care of their wives and children, instead of thinking only of themselves?


Is a good marriage even possible these days? What are newlyweds to expect? Do they risk starting a family together knowing that divorce is likely in their future? I surely don’t know many happily married couples with kids, myself. Are they out there?

My grandparents are my marriage mentors. My grandpa is turning 94 next month, and my grandma is 86 yrs old. They are still together, and still walk hand in hand. They finish each other’s sentences. They have grown closer with time. It wasn’t always easy for them, but divorce was not an option for them. They had to make it work. Having young children is hard, and they had 4 under the age of 5 yrs old!!! My grandpa was a Methodist Minister, which didn’t bring in much money. Yes, they had it hard! We all have it hard, but we have to work together to get through those hard times. That’s marriage….it’s team work! Is that so hard to understand?

What’s going to happen to this generation of children, who are raised by single moms? What kind of marriages are they expected to have? What is Hannah going to say when she finds out what her father did to us? How will that affect her? What will she think when she knows how selfish he was, as he sacrificed his family for filth? My heart breaks for children like her. They deserve so much more! They deserve a 2-parent family who loves them. It’s just not fair!!! They are so innocent in all of this. Why must they suffer for the sins of one or both parents? Their job is to protect their children, not to harm them. I just feel sick as I ponder this….SICK!

To Have Someone

Written:  8-3-10

As I sit out hear at my cabin in Colorado enjoying the beauty all around me, I ponder certain things. It would be nice to have someone, a husband, to share this experience with. Although, Hannah and I have fared just fine on our own. I can’t help but think…could there be more? Could there be someone out there that will one day join his life to mine? Will there be one summer when I will have someone special to share this with, someone to explore with, other than Hannah…of course?

Don’t get me wrong, Hannah has become quite the outdoor girl. She is hiking like a pro at 4 yrs old! She’s come a long way since last summer. Even my Yorkie, Sasha, has impressed me with how well she’s doing out here. These are my companions, and they are great! But could there be more to my story? I’d like to think there is, but I try not to hope too much. I try to be content with where I am right now.

For Hannah I feel the same thing. For now, I am her playmate. But might there be a sibling in her future, someone whom she can play with and share her life with? I know that would be best for her, especially when we travel to a place like this where there are no other kids to play with…all the time. Her 3 yr old cousin was here last week, which was great, but she has only me this week. It would be so nice to send the “kids” outside to play for a while.

It’s also very cold here. There’s a fire burning in the fireplace. We roast hotdogs and smores over an open fire. What could be more romantic! This makes me think of how it would feel to be in the arms of a man again. In 11 days it will have been a year since my X moved out. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt a man’s arms around me. I’ve been fine without having a man in my life, but I can’t help but desire more. Why is that? Why can’t I just be ME? Why do I desire having a man in my life after what the last one did to me? How could I even think of it?

Right now, I don’t have much hope for finding a decent enough man to marry, again. I really don’t know if such a man exists these days, in my generation. This is a sad thought, but with computers, porn is way too easy to access. It corrupts men when they get hooked. It starts out as something “innocent” where curiosity gets the best of them. But before they know it, they can’t stop going back to it. It’s a disease. How can you express to a man the importance of avoiding it all together?

The other thought I’ve pondered is, “How will I know when I’m ready?” Having these desires doesn’t mean that I’m ready to date. I guess I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I get there. So far, I haven’t had the opportunity arise, anyway. Frankly, I don’t know many single men at my age. I figure, if they’re in the 30s or 40s and single, why aren’t they married? There must be something wrong with them, right? All the good men are already snatched up by now. If they’re single, they’re probably divorced. The last thing I need is someone else with baggage. Then I wonder, why are the divorced? Either they didn’t make the effort to make their marriage work or they cheated on their wife. I don’t want any of those, either.

Could I be lucky enough to find a widower at my age? That’s a sad thought, but at least the end of the marriage wouldn’t have been his fault. I wouldn’t mind taking someone else’s kids in, either. In fact, that would be ideal! By the time I remarry, how will I provide Hannah with a proper playmate close enough to her age? The only way will be to gain someone else’s child who may be around her age. But then, will there be visitation issues with that child’s parents, as well? Boy, life sure is complicated! This is just one more reason God HATES divorce.

On another subject, I was talking to a friend out here, from another cabin. He asked, “Do you still love your X? You wouldn’t still take him back, would you?” I was surprised that I had such a hard time answering him. It’s amazing how strong the bond of marriage is, at least for me. I almost cried as I tried to answer. I wanted to say, “No way, jose!” But I couldn’t. I think of the story of the Periodical Son. He left his family and took half of his father’s money. He was gone for years living a frivolous lifestyle until he spent all of his money. I believe it was then when he probably hit “rock bottom”. They say, a person on the wrong path may stay on that path until they reach that point, where there’s nowhere to look but up. This is when they cry to the Lord like the son did with his father. And what did the father do? Did he turn his back on his son, who had gone astray? No! His father had been waiting, hoping his son would return. When he saw his son walking towards him, he ran to embrace him. He clothed him and threw a party! He welcomed him back to the family as if he had never left. This is a picture of what God does for us, when we go astray. He’s always waiting for our return with open arms. Is this how I am supposed to be with my X? Will he ever realize his evil ways and want return to us? Would I be able to receive him, the way God would?

In a way, that is the best case scenario, if he was to truly change. It would be best for Hannah to have her parents together…to be a family. This is why I gave my X 6 months to change, but he didn’t show any change. He was not repentant and didn’t seem remorseful. In fact, I found after the divorce that he was still active in that lifestyle. He never planned to change. He didn’t get help for his addiction. Would it be possible for him to one day come to realize the HUGE mistake he’s made? I can’t imagine him ever reaching that point. But it would be ideal. He would have a VERY long way to go!!! I guess all things are possible with God, but I’m not going to wait around for that miracle to occur. That boat has sailed!

However, whenever I hear sermons on forgiveness, I can’t help but think about this scenario. Anything is possible. If my X was to really make the necessary change, would I take him back? That’s a scary thought, indeed. Well, I guess that’s another bridge I will cross when I get to it….if I get to it. I guess the answer to my friend’s question is, “Yes, I think deep down, I will always love my X.” Is that wrong? It makes my eyes leak to even write this. I don’t want to feel anything for him. I want to be rid of all feelings for him. I want to detach. I feel so sad thinking about it, so I choose to avoid those thoughts. Is that wise? I just don’t want to hurt anymore, especially on HIS account. He’s done enough damage. He chose his addiction over his family.

Missing Her Daddy

Written 7-28-10


Hannah mentions missing her daddy everyday, more often when she’s tired. I have discovered, however, that she’s much better if she gets to talk to him on the phone more frequently. Fortunately, I have cell phone signal up at Lover’s Leap, where we can make calls. There are no phone lines at the cabin. I can send text messages when hiking in some areas in the canyon, but not at our cabin. So, we really are…unplugged here.

Last year, Hannah and I made this same trip out to Colorado, but I don’t remember her missing her daddy so much. Of course, we weren’t separated yet at that time. I expect she’s more insecure now. It’s hard to say, though, if it’s just manipulation when she’s crying for Daddy or if she really does miss him that much. She can use that trick to get out of sleeping, because I’m so unsure how to react to this behavior. I certainly don’t want to punish her insecurity, but at the same time, she has a bed time. She finds all sorts of excuses to get past that bedtime.

So, for now, I’ll make more of an effort to enable her to talk with him as often as possible and hope to avoid another episode like the other day. That was a nightmare! If it was for me, I would just make him suffer and only call when we go into town. But, for Hannah, I must make sacrifices and include him in her life as much as possible. It surely isn’t easy!

It is true that divorce is easier when there are not children involved, but I must say, I am very thankful that I have Hannah, even though the marriage between her father and I ended in divorce. She is my companion in all that I do. I can’t imagine being out here at the cabin all alone. I would much rather be out here with her. I’m happy that I have her to share my life with, since I don’t have anyone else.

It isn’t easy having to share time and worry about who pays for what, but I thank God for that little girl everyday! You know, when I was a youth, I used to say that I didn’t ever care to get married. I just wanted a child. Well, I guess you can say I have exactly that! Men are so complicated. Is it possible that I don’t even need one? So far, that’s the case. Will I ever desire the companionship that only a man can give? I don’t know. In a way, I desire that now, but in the future, that might just fade. I certainly will not be making any sacrifices on my “list” that makes a man marriageable this time. It’s just not worth it! He’s going to be all or NOTHING. At this point, I can’t imagine any man having everything it will take to be my husband. Are there good men out there? That has yet to be seen. So far, I haven’t seen it. Of course, I expect I’d have to let a man in enough to find out. I’m not there yet.

Next month will be one year since our separation. That’s hard to believe that it’s been a year already. Time flies. I’m so thankful that God has brought me through it. I sure am at a healthier place now than I was then. I think back to last July when I didn’t have a clue what he was up to. Last summer was his busiest time up to that point that I could see on paper. And I was oblivious. I feel like such a fool. Then I remember that God opened my eyes at exactly the time He intended. For some reason, He was waiting to show me what my husband really was. But at the same time, God was protecting me from so much. He protected me from disease, which is a miracle…considering! He timed my discoveries to August, which meant Hannah could start school the following week, which gave me free time to figure out what I was going to do and regroup. It would not have been healthy for her to see me that way. As expected, I was a mess during that time. I remember laying in bed, forgetting to breath wondering why I was even alive. It felt like my whole life had just ended. I didn’t see any other life, at the time.

But look at me now. Everything worked out, thanks to God. He truly worked every detail out for me. He prepared a way for me. This August when Hannah goes back to school, I will start Grad School. My life is starting again. It’s just different now, better, in fact. I’m so thankful that God rescued me from that man. I didn’t realize how trapped I was. I was running in circles and getting no where. Now, I’m able to grow. Hannah and I will bloom together right wear God plants us. It’s going to be a good life. God will make a way, where there seems to be no way!!! He did it for me.

Our Vacation to Colorado

Written July 25, 2010
Colorado is one of those places I’ve always loved to go. We went almost every summer as kids. I took my X to the family cabin there, while dating. He never went again. It’s just too rustic for him. I think it’s sad that some people are so spoiled with their luxurious lives that they can’t enjoy the simple pleasures.


The cabin is 50 yrs old. My grandpa built him entirely by himself. It is a treasure, in the most beautiful place. There is a stream that trickles past. There are tall pine trees surrounding the cabin. The cabin sits at the bottom of a cliff. There are only 50 cabins in the whole canyon. Ours was one of the first. We really do have the best lot, I think. You can’t see another cabin from ours. You can hear the chirps of the hummingbirds outside fighting over the feeder I put out for them. It’s near 50 at night and near 70 during the day. There is not a sound around that doesn’t come from nature.

I can’t imagine a more peaceful place. I sit by the fire and ponder how amazing our God is to form such beauty. I’m so thankful that he’s given us this place, that we can come to and just unplug from the world. There are no phones, no TV, no internet. It is rustic. I think it’s important for people to leave their busy lives once in a while to remember what it’s like to slow down and just….be. Become one with nature. Don’t depend all the time on being entertained with the newest gadget. Chop your own firewood. There is no heat or insulation here. I am wearing a short sleeved shirt with a sweatshirt and am sitting by the fire and am still chilled. I need another cup of hot tea!

We look forward to some great adventures while out here for the next two weeks. Right hear in the canyon we can go on numerous hiking trails. One is about 3 miles up to a meadow in the middle of an aspen grove. Another is up the other side of the canyon to the summit, where you can see beautiful scenic views of the surrounding mountains. You must be on alert, though, there are bears and mountain lions out here. They’ve never caused a problem though. In fact, I’ve never seen either one. I did hear a lion in a cave I was about to go into, though. Needless to say, I didn’t stick around to see her. I believe she was protecting cubs.

You can also drive about 20 min down the mountain into a town called LaVeta. It is very slow paced, a small town. We enjoy visiting the local convenient store, Charlie’s, where we eat ice cream and buy groceries. There is a library, where we may go on a rainy day to find books for Hannah and internet access for me. J

Yes, we’re living it up! I hope you all take some time to just…be. It’s healthy. There are no worries here!

After Some Thought

It’s been a difficult week. Hannah and I leave town for Colorado for 2 weeks this Sat. Yet, my X chose not to spend last weekend with her. He only sees her every other weekend now, since he found a job. Instead, he chose to leave town to live up his “double life”. He chose his sickness over his daughter! It will have been a MONTH since he had a weekend with her, when he finally gets her again.


I feel sick deep down in my gut. I feel disgusted with him. She wanted to see him, and he was “unavailable” as he put it. She called him Sat, obviously interrupting. She asked a lot of questions about where he was and who he was with. He stumbled all over his words trying to make up an answer. I believe she could tell he was lying to her. It was so pitiful to listen in. The thought of him makes me physically ill.

This week, I’ve held a lot of bitterness. I know that is wrong, but I can’t help it. I’ve been deep in prayer that I’ll be able to let this go. Why does this bother me so much? He can tell that I’ve been short with him this weekend, but I’ve refrained from telling him why. If I tell him it’s about his affairs last weekend, he’ll just get all defensive and we’ll fight. Besides, he’s right. It’s none of my business. Then why does it hurt so badly!?!?!?!?! I don’t want to feel anything anymore.

So, I’ve been tough on him this week. He called Mon night after work wanting Hannah that night. I told him, NO. He must make arrangements in advance if he wants to see her. So, I’m giving him Wed night, by his request. But he also wanted Fri night. We leave early Sat morning, so I refused. So, it wanted to take her to dinner Fri night. I refused again, stating that he gets home too late from work and she must be in bed by 8pm. Then he asked if he could just come by to see her. I refused yet again, saying that I didn’t want him in my house or anywhere around me. At that point, he got angry and told me that it wasn’t right for me to keep Hannah away from him the day before we leave for 2 wks.

After some thought and counsel from a really good friend, I realized he was right. What if he was taking Hannah away for two weeks? I would want to see Hannah the day before she leaves. So, how do we work this out? My brilliant friend came up with him taking Hannah quickly for ice cream after work. So, this was my offer under one condition. She must be back home by 7 pm, so she can take her bath and be in bed by 8 pm.

I knew I might have been responding out of anger. I’m sure deep inside, I wanted to punish him for his choices. But is this the right thing to do….even if it subconsciously? That’s why it’s important, when going through something so emotional like this, to talk to your friends about decisions you’ve made. It’s important to have objective accountability partners who have like minds. I’m very thankful that my friend set me straight. I definitely couldn’t do it alone. And I even felt better after writing him a short email explaining my new decision, after some thought. It wasn’t what I wanted to do. But it was the right thing to do.

Feeling Empowered

I have gotten to the point where I do just about everything myself. I mow, trim trees with my pole chain saw, fix my sprinklers, clean my house, and laundry. I fixed my own garage door, without having to call a repair man. I remodeled my daughter’s room in 3 days. It went from nursery to a princess paradise! I’ve been hanging framed pics of Hannah. I have curtain hardware to hang. There isn’t anything I can’t do. I feel so empowered. My house stays clean, which I wasn’t sure was possible with our busy lives. But I’ve managed. Do keep in mind that I have come from a very different lifestyle in marriage. I had a housekeeper come ever week. A company mowed my lawn and did all trimmings. Any time something broke, a repair man was called.


And even though I am responsible for all this, I still have time to spend with my precious treasure, Hannah. Yes, life is good, even though I have to do a lot more labor work around the house. I’m thankful that God has given me the strength and motivation to accomplish so many things that many women would never attempt. I feel empowered! I don’t need a man or a lot of money! I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me! Jesus is the ONLY husband I will ever need. I’m so blessed…

Over It...or NOT?

It’s been a particularly difficult weekend. Just when I thought I was doing really well on my own, grief hits once again. I discovered my X’s plans to have an “eventful” get-away this weekend, if you know what I mean. I try to tell myself, “He’s not my husband. It shouldn’t bother me. His lifestyle is his business.” But that knot deep in my gut won’t go away. I’m just disgusted with the thought of what he’s doing. This is the father of MY child! How could he behave like this? And this is the same kinds of stuff he did while we were married, while I was home caring for our daughter.


I can’t even imagine dating, myself, let alone doing the kinds of things HE’s doing! How can someone I married be so shallow? Someone used the word “JERK”. I think that’s being nice. Plus, he chose to go away this weekend knowing that Hannah and I leave town for 2 wks next weekend. It will have been a month since he’d spent any time with her. But he didn’t even care. He loves his sickness more than his daughter….so sad.

He also got a job, so he doesn’t see Hannah much during the week now. We are on an every other weekend schedule.  Since then, Hannah doesn’t even ask for him anymore. She’s grown used to not seeing him anymore. I expect this will get more and more common.

I’m thankful for the time I have with her. I just know the importance of a good father-daughter relationship. I fear how his behavior may affect her. But I know that God is in control, and he will protect her from all of this.  In the mean time, I pray that God will help me to separate my heart from his affairs.  I don't want to feel anything anymore...having to do with him.