Don’t get me wrong, Hannah has become quite the outdoor girl. She is hiking like a pro at 4 yrs old! She’s come a long way since last summer. Even my Yorkie, Sasha, has impressed me with how well she’s doing out here. These are my companions, and they are great! But could there be more to my story? I’d like to think there is, but I try not to hope too much. I try to be content with where I am right now.
The other thought I’ve pondered is, “How will I know when I’m ready?” Having these desires doesn’t mean that I’m ready to date. I guess I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I get there. So far, I haven’t had the opportunity arise, anyway. Frankly, I don’t know many single men at my age. I figure, if they’re in the 30s or 40s and single, why aren’t they married? There must be something wrong with them, right? All the good men are already snatched up by now. If they’re single, they’re probably divorced. The last thing I need is someone else with baggage. Then I wonder, why are the divorced? Either they didn’t make the effort to make their marriage work or they cheated on their wife. I don’t want any of those, either.
On another subject, I was talking to a friend out here, from another cabin. He asked, “Do you still love your X? You wouldn’t still take him back, would you?” I was surprised that I had such a hard time answering him. It’s amazing how strong the bond of marriage is, at least for me. I almost cried as I tried to answer. I wanted to say, “No way, jose!” But I couldn’t. I think of the story of the Periodical Son. He left his family and took half of his father’s money. He was gone for years living a frivolous lifestyle until he spent all of his money. I believe it was then when he probably hit “rock bottom”. They say, a person on the wrong path may stay on that path until they reach that point, where there’s nowhere to look but up. This is when they cry to the Lord like the son did with his father. And what did the father do? Did he turn his back on his son, who had gone astray? No! His father had been waiting, hoping his son would return. When he saw his son walking towards him, he ran to embrace him. He clothed him and threw a party! He welcomed him back to the family as if he had never left. This is a picture of what God does for us, when we go astray. He’s always waiting for our return with open arms. Is this how I am supposed to be with my X? Will he ever realize his evil ways and want return to us? Would I be able to receive him, the way God would?
However, whenever I hear sermons on forgiveness, I can’t help but think about this scenario. Anything is possible. If my X was to really make the necessary change, would I take him back? That’s a scary thought, indeed. Well, I guess that’s another bridge I will cross when I get to it….if I get to it. I guess the answer to my friend’s question is, “Yes, I think deep down, I will always love my X.” Is that wrong? It makes my eyes leak to even write this. I don’t want to feel anything for him. I want to be rid of all feelings for him. I want to detach. I feel so sad thinking about it, so I choose to avoid those thoughts. Is that wise? I just don’t want to hurt anymore, especially on HIS account. He’s done enough damage. He chose his addiction over his family.