Saturday, August 7, 2010

To Have Someone

Written:  8-3-10

As I sit out hear at my cabin in Colorado enjoying the beauty all around me, I ponder certain things. It would be nice to have someone, a husband, to share this experience with. Although, Hannah and I have fared just fine on our own. I can’t help but think…could there be more? Could there be someone out there that will one day join his life to mine? Will there be one summer when I will have someone special to share this with, someone to explore with, other than Hannah…of course?

Don’t get me wrong, Hannah has become quite the outdoor girl. She is hiking like a pro at 4 yrs old! She’s come a long way since last summer. Even my Yorkie, Sasha, has impressed me with how well she’s doing out here. These are my companions, and they are great! But could there be more to my story? I’d like to think there is, but I try not to hope too much. I try to be content with where I am right now.

For Hannah I feel the same thing. For now, I am her playmate. But might there be a sibling in her future, someone whom she can play with and share her life with? I know that would be best for her, especially when we travel to a place like this where there are no other kids to play with…all the time. Her 3 yr old cousin was here last week, which was great, but she has only me this week. It would be so nice to send the “kids” outside to play for a while.

It’s also very cold here. There’s a fire burning in the fireplace. We roast hotdogs and smores over an open fire. What could be more romantic! This makes me think of how it would feel to be in the arms of a man again. In 11 days it will have been a year since my X moved out. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt a man’s arms around me. I’ve been fine without having a man in my life, but I can’t help but desire more. Why is that? Why can’t I just be ME? Why do I desire having a man in my life after what the last one did to me? How could I even think of it?

Right now, I don’t have much hope for finding a decent enough man to marry, again. I really don’t know if such a man exists these days, in my generation. This is a sad thought, but with computers, porn is way too easy to access. It corrupts men when they get hooked. It starts out as something “innocent” where curiosity gets the best of them. But before they know it, they can’t stop going back to it. It’s a disease. How can you express to a man the importance of avoiding it all together?

The other thought I’ve pondered is, “How will I know when I’m ready?” Having these desires doesn’t mean that I’m ready to date. I guess I’ll just have to cross that bridge when I get there. So far, I haven’t had the opportunity arise, anyway. Frankly, I don’t know many single men at my age. I figure, if they’re in the 30s or 40s and single, why aren’t they married? There must be something wrong with them, right? All the good men are already snatched up by now. If they’re single, they’re probably divorced. The last thing I need is someone else with baggage. Then I wonder, why are the divorced? Either they didn’t make the effort to make their marriage work or they cheated on their wife. I don’t want any of those, either.

Could I be lucky enough to find a widower at my age? That’s a sad thought, but at least the end of the marriage wouldn’t have been his fault. I wouldn’t mind taking someone else’s kids in, either. In fact, that would be ideal! By the time I remarry, how will I provide Hannah with a proper playmate close enough to her age? The only way will be to gain someone else’s child who may be around her age. But then, will there be visitation issues with that child’s parents, as well? Boy, life sure is complicated! This is just one more reason God HATES divorce.

On another subject, I was talking to a friend out here, from another cabin. He asked, “Do you still love your X? You wouldn’t still take him back, would you?” I was surprised that I had such a hard time answering him. It’s amazing how strong the bond of marriage is, at least for me. I almost cried as I tried to answer. I wanted to say, “No way, jose!” But I couldn’t. I think of the story of the Periodical Son. He left his family and took half of his father’s money. He was gone for years living a frivolous lifestyle until he spent all of his money. I believe it was then when he probably hit “rock bottom”. They say, a person on the wrong path may stay on that path until they reach that point, where there’s nowhere to look but up. This is when they cry to the Lord like the son did with his father. And what did the father do? Did he turn his back on his son, who had gone astray? No! His father had been waiting, hoping his son would return. When he saw his son walking towards him, he ran to embrace him. He clothed him and threw a party! He welcomed him back to the family as if he had never left. This is a picture of what God does for us, when we go astray. He’s always waiting for our return with open arms. Is this how I am supposed to be with my X? Will he ever realize his evil ways and want return to us? Would I be able to receive him, the way God would?

In a way, that is the best case scenario, if he was to truly change. It would be best for Hannah to have her parents together…to be a family. This is why I gave my X 6 months to change, but he didn’t show any change. He was not repentant and didn’t seem remorseful. In fact, I found after the divorce that he was still active in that lifestyle. He never planned to change. He didn’t get help for his addiction. Would it be possible for him to one day come to realize the HUGE mistake he’s made? I can’t imagine him ever reaching that point. But it would be ideal. He would have a VERY long way to go!!! I guess all things are possible with God, but I’m not going to wait around for that miracle to occur. That boat has sailed!

However, whenever I hear sermons on forgiveness, I can’t help but think about this scenario. Anything is possible. If my X was to really make the necessary change, would I take him back? That’s a scary thought, indeed. Well, I guess that’s another bridge I will cross when I get to it….if I get to it. I guess the answer to my friend’s question is, “Yes, I think deep down, I will always love my X.” Is that wrong? It makes my eyes leak to even write this. I don’t want to feel anything for him. I want to be rid of all feelings for him. I want to detach. I feel so sad thinking about it, so I choose to avoid those thoughts. Is that wise? I just don’t want to hurt anymore, especially on HIS account. He’s done enough damage. He chose his addiction over his family.

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