Saturday, August 7, 2010

Missing Her Daddy

Written 7-28-10

Hannah mentions missing her daddy everyday, more often when she’s tired. I have discovered, however, that she’s much better if she gets to talk to him on the phone more frequently. Fortunately, I have cell phone signal up at Lover’s Leap, where we can make calls. There are no phone lines at the cabin. I can send text messages when hiking in some areas in the canyon, but not at our cabin. So, we really are…unplugged here.

Last year, Hannah and I made this same trip out to Colorado, but I don’t remember her missing her daddy so much. Of course, we weren’t separated yet at that time. I expect she’s more insecure now. It’s hard to say, though, if it’s just manipulation when she’s crying for Daddy or if she really does miss him that much. She can use that trick to get out of sleeping, because I’m so unsure how to react to this behavior. I certainly don’t want to punish her insecurity, but at the same time, she has a bed time. She finds all sorts of excuses to get past that bedtime.

So, for now, I’ll make more of an effort to enable her to talk with him as often as possible and hope to avoid another episode like the other day. That was a nightmare! If it was for me, I would just make him suffer and only call when we go into town. But, for Hannah, I must make sacrifices and include him in her life as much as possible. It surely isn’t easy!

It is true that divorce is easier when there are not children involved, but I must say, I am very thankful that I have Hannah, even though the marriage between her father and I ended in divorce. She is my companion in all that I do. I can’t imagine being out here at the cabin all alone. I would much rather be out here with her. I’m happy that I have her to share my life with, since I don’t have anyone else.

It isn’t easy having to share time and worry about who pays for what, but I thank God for that little girl everyday! You know, when I was a youth, I used to say that I didn’t ever care to get married. I just wanted a child. Well, I guess you can say I have exactly that! Men are so complicated. Is it possible that I don’t even need one? So far, that’s the case. Will I ever desire the companionship that only a man can give? I don’t know. In a way, I desire that now, but in the future, that might just fade. I certainly will not be making any sacrifices on my “list” that makes a man marriageable this time. It’s just not worth it! He’s going to be all or NOTHING. At this point, I can’t imagine any man having everything it will take to be my husband. Are there good men out there? That has yet to be seen. So far, I haven’t seen it. Of course, I expect I’d have to let a man in enough to find out. I’m not there yet.

Next month will be one year since our separation. That’s hard to believe that it’s been a year already. Time flies. I’m so thankful that God has brought me through it. I sure am at a healthier place now than I was then. I think back to last July when I didn’t have a clue what he was up to. Last summer was his busiest time up to that point that I could see on paper. And I was oblivious. I feel like such a fool. Then I remember that God opened my eyes at exactly the time He intended. For some reason, He was waiting to show me what my husband really was. But at the same time, God was protecting me from so much. He protected me from disease, which is a miracle…considering! He timed my discoveries to August, which meant Hannah could start school the following week, which gave me free time to figure out what I was going to do and regroup. It would not have been healthy for her to see me that way. As expected, I was a mess during that time. I remember laying in bed, forgetting to breath wondering why I was even alive. It felt like my whole life had just ended. I didn’t see any other life, at the time.

But look at me now. Everything worked out, thanks to God. He truly worked every detail out for me. He prepared a way for me. This August when Hannah goes back to school, I will start Grad School. My life is starting again. It’s just different now, better, in fact. I’m so thankful that God rescued me from that man. I didn’t realize how trapped I was. I was running in circles and getting no where. Now, I’m able to grow. Hannah and I will bloom together right wear God plants us. It’s going to be a good life. God will make a way, where there seems to be no way!!! He did it for me.

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