"It is finished" as Jesus stated right before he died. Well, in a way, I have died. I have given up my life for Jesus. And today represents my resurrection!!! The divorce was final today. It took a total of 3 minutes. It's a little disturbing how an 8 1/2 yr marriage can be dissolved in 3 minutes! It couldn't have been easier. My X didn't even show up, thankfully. I had my two friends with me and my lawyer. Really, we made the whole day like a celebration instead of a pity party. We took pictures outside the Broward County Court House and everything. My lawyer said, "This is a first for me" as we snapped a shot of me with him. HAHA! Pascale told me that this day would be a day that I remember for the rest of my life, so I might as well make it as positive as possible, so I did. After court, I went to my Esther Bible Study, late, but I went. Then a group of us went out to lunch. Once again, I have been blessed with some very good, supportive friends. That means EVERYTHING. I can't tell you how many texts, emails, and calls I received today with people checking up on me.
So, how was I, really, you may ask. I think it could have been a down day for me, but I truly feel that God is and has been protecting me from a lot. I know I am bottling a lot of my emotions inside. I know that! I don’t know if that is good or bad. I’m just always trying to make the best of everything, stay positive, and keep smiling. I’m trying to appear strong. As you can imagine, I am broken on the inside. As I just wrote that sentence tears flow. Who am I kidding? I’m divorced!!!!!! That was never a part of my plan. I never wanted this, who would? But I can’t dwell on that and have a pity party in Jessica’s honor. I would much rather call it a celebration. I don’t want to feel any more pain. I don’t want to hurt anymore! If I don’t laugh, I will cry. I don’t want to be sad. Is this healthy? I don’t know.
I’m just trying to look forward, instead of dwelling on the past. God is seeing me through. My life isn’t my own, anyway. It belongs to God. Why should I mourn the loss of my marriage if it is a part of God’s plan? He has so much in store for me. He will use this for GOOD! You’ll see. “It is Well with My Soul”….that song writer said after losing EVERYTHING! That is where I am right now. Those are the very words I need to be singing….it is well with my soul, even in the midst of what seems to be impossible.
I will be doing a lot of reflecting this month. I will need to pray and ask for a lot of prayer for God’s guidance in how to plan my future. I need to decide what career I want to go into, or what GOD wants me to go into. Then I need to apply to the university that has that program. It has to be a career that will support the lifestyle we are accustomed to, so I can't work for nothing, either. And I have to do all that by May in order to start in the fall. I need letters of referral and everything before then. So, I’ve got my work cut out for me this month.
In addition, my X just called at 9:30 pm saying that Hannah wanted to come to my house to sleep. I tried to talk her into staying with her daddy, but she insisted and cried. So, I told him that it’s his decision what he wants to do. Finally, he decided to drop her off at my house. He had such an angry look on his face with his eye brows scrunched up and a big frown. He didn’t say one word to me. I hate that Hannah has to see him like that. It’s not right for him to get angry at her when she wants to be with me. This isn’t the first time this has happened, and my guess is it won’t be the last.
He broke our family, and this is one of the many consequences he will have to pay, sadly. I’m sure this makes him feel rejected. He’s already rejected by everyone else, and now Hannah, too. But he shouldn’t take it so personally. She’s 4 yrs old! Most 4 yrs old need their mommy much more than their daddy.
Anyway, today starts a new chapter, and I hope to make it a good one, in spite of the trials. God is with me!