Thursday, April 22, 2010

A Week of Grieving

It’s amazing how I think I’m doing so well, and then I fall apart without notice. God has taught me so much during this week of grieving. I’m the kind of person who likes to see the silver lining. I look on the bright side and try to ignore the darkness all around me. Some may call me naïve, but I think that’s God’s will for us. However, Divorce Care taught me that my circumstances right now are different from the normal everyday stresses of life. I must grieve my losses in order to move on in a healthy manor.

Just starting this process a week ago initiated something I wasn’t ready for. As soon as I thought I was finished grieving, something else would come up and I’d break all over again. I felt so fragile. Any little thing that happened, that normally wouldn’t get to me…DID. One example was when my little girl was angry with me saying, “I’m just going to go stay with Daddy for a whole week!” She wanted to punish me, and it worked. I was crushed! Even though I knew she was only trying to hurt me and that she didn’t mean it, the pain ran so deep. I was devastated! I know I didn’t respond as well as I could have. But in the end, I confronted her and we talked. She apologized and we made up. I told her how much her words hurt me and asked her not to say things like that again.

In that moment, I was grieving Hannah’s losses. She hasn’t said much about her Daddy leaving, but I know she much feel something. I asked her yesterday, “How does it make you feel that Daddy moved out?” She said, “Sad.” I couldn’t get much else out of her. I explained to her that she can always feel free to talk with me about these changes. She just isn’t interested in discussing it. I wonder if she will be ready one day, or if she truly is OK with everything. She still seems to be the same happy girl as usual, thank God.

I’ve said before and still believe that Jesus is cradling my little girl and protecting her from all around her. I believe that she was chosen by God to something amazing. And I was chosen to be her mother. In a way, I feel like Mary having the dynamic responsibility of raising Jesus. I know Hannah is no Jesus, but God will use her…mark my words!

I have been praying a lot for the last couple of days that God will take my affliction away from me. I pray that my time of grief has passed. Today has been really good, and I feel even better after going to my Ladies’ Bible Study this morning. But Divorce Care meets tonight, so only God knows how I’ll feel tomorrow. I just want to feel God’s peace again. I want to be able to minister to others by showing my strength. When I am down, I don’t have the strength to help anyone. I don’t like to feel that way. I have asked God to build me up again and USE ME!

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