I've done really well since the divorce was final on April 6, 2010. In fact, I was downright joyful. I wondered if I even needed to go to Divorce Care. This is a Christian support group that meets for 12 weeks to help people dealing with divorce. I decided to go, anyway. They asked around the circle what losses we were grieving. I didn't have any. I felt like there was no loss, since my marriage was so bad for so long. But after listening to all the others share their losses, things like having someone's hand in theirs; remembering their favorite restaurants they used to eat together as they drive by one, I realized something. I said, "You should all be grateful that you had some happy memories with your spouse. I have none. I only remember horrible things that my X did to me. My only memories spring from passing certain hotels that I know he used." My memories only bring me PAIN! Of course as I said this, I was balling. For the first time since my divorce, I cried and I cried and I cried. I haven't stopped crying since. Apparently, I am finally going through the grieving process that is necessary to get past all this. They said that if I am not grieving, there is something wrong with me. That concerned me, but it wasn't long before I found out they were right. I wasn't letting myself think about everything I lost. They told me to think back further to when there were good times. I needed to think back to the dreams I had when I said "I do". I have lost that. It's just that I lost it years ago when the marriage went stale. But I never got to really grieve it then.
I also remember a man state that he had been divorced 10 yrs before coming that night to Divorce Care. And now he was divorced a 2nd time. He said he realized this night that he had not grieved his losses properly after his first divorce, and therefore brought baggage into his 2nd marriage which led to a 2nd divorce. I sure don't want that to happen to me. I want to take as little baggage with me as possible with or without a 2nd marriage.
Moreover, I am now going through something very painful. I am forcing myself to remember. I realized I was suppressing all of that. I was trying so hard to only focus on the positive thinking that was the healthy way. But it's just not normal to go through something like this without some down time. Therefore, I am letting myself grieve now. I find myself crying over anything. It's amazing. I've been so strong for so long, against all odds, and now it's all coming out. I even feel all that anger coming back toward my X as I grieve all that he did to me. I just need to take the time to allow for this season. The facilitators in Divorce Care said I need to make a list of all of my losses and grieve them all. Oh, how I dread this. I want to just burry it, but that won't make me healthier. It's better to get past this now and not let it come up again later.
I like to feel like I have it all together. I don't like to feel weak, and I don't like people to see me like this. But I also need people. I realize they want to be there for me. It was funny, I went to MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) yesterday. Most of these ladies know what I'm going through and asked me how I was doing. As one lady asked, I just started to cry. She had this horrified look on her face like it was her fault. I said through my tears, "Don't worry. I'm just going through the grieving process. It's normal and I'll get better." Even through my tears I feel like I have to be strong. I don't want them to worry about me or feel bad about asking how I'm doing. I'm thankful that they care, but I guess I gave them more than they were expecting. HAHA!
I am overwhelmed right now and can't handle much. But I know "This, too, shall pass." I know this is a necessary step, so I'm willing to walk through it. It will make me a healthier person at the other side. God is with me and has something amazing planned for me. I ask Him to continue to be a lamp unto my feet and light unto my path to get me through each and every day. God is so good, and I trust Him!!!