Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Going Back a Few Weeks: As I Sit In Mediation

I hand wrote my blog on mediation day, but am just now getting to re-type it here. So, bear with me as I remember March 8, 2010.

My future is being negotiated as I sit and wait in a small room with my lawyer. It's a humbling experience as I trust in God as my provider. I have everything to lose, yet everything to gain. It's hard to say at this point which way this will go. All I know is that my trust lies in God. He's going to work this all out.

My whole life has taken a drastic turn in the past 6 months. This isn't what I signed up for! When I said until death do us part, I meant it. Loyalty comes easy for me. Unfortunately, my X wanted more. "If it feels good, do it," right?

What's wrong with marriages today? Why can't 2 people commit? To tell you the truth, I don't know many marriages that have stood the test of time happily.

What hope do I have of growing old with someone, which was my dream? I want a lifelong relationship with a man. Is that even possible with the immorality in this world?

As I turn to the next chapter of my life, I remember many good times and a lot of bad. What does my future hold? I hope to get my Master's degree in order to get a job to support myself. I hope that I will find something in a Christian setting, where I will still be available for Hannah. I don't want a consuming job that will take away from Hannah.

Then I think about my dissolving marriage. I never wanted to be "single" again. How is someone supposed to even choose a spouse? I thought I chose well. My X and I wanted to start a church in Venezuela when we got married. We had plans to go into God's ministry together. Is there nothing sacred? What changed?

What hope can I offer my daughter after what I've been through? I worry how I will guide her to choose a spouse if to have a spouse at all. I hope that time truly does heal all wounds, and that I will feel better about Hannah's chances at a happy marriage later. If statistics now show a 60% divorce rate, what will it look like when Hannah's old enough to marry??? Will there be an 80% divorce rate? Will people even bother getting married at all? I guess that's already starting currently. I've known many who choose to have children together but never tie the knot. What has this world come to?

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