Tuesday, August 10, 2010

One Year Since My Life Fell Apart

Has it been one year already? I’m feeling it, as my emotions run very sensitive this week. My life fell apart one year ago this week. A year ago, I can’t even explain the suffering I was going through. It pains me to look back, but I can’t help myself. I don’t want to feel that pain ever again, and yet, I feel it just thinking about it.

I’m so thankful that I’ve come such a long way since then. We separated a year ago, and the divorce was final 4 months ago. So much has changed in only one year. I am in a better place now, yet this week has brought me down. It’s funny how emotions can just have a mind of their own sometimes.

I feel so angry, so hurt. You know, my X is basically openly talking about his “affairs” now. It’s like he doesn’t even NEED to hide it anymore. He tells me that his private life is his business and it's none of my business. He says I should RESPECT his choices. Are you kidding me?!?!?! There is NOTHING respectable about his choices! Then as I get heated with anger, he dares to say that he is praying for me. UGH! That’s like a slap in the face. He’s so full of it! He’s so fake! That just burns me up! His prayers to God are hindered by his sin. How can one have a personal relationship with Christ, and live such and obviously sinful life? I just wanted to say, “Don’t bother praying for me. God’s not listening to your prayers, anyway.”

Ok, obviously I’m upset. I’m venting. So, whoever is reading…thank you for listening. I’m basically a raving lunatic tonight, who doesn’t make any since. I can tell that this isn’t going to be one of my better, more helpful, blogs. I’m not making very Godly decisions. I shouldn’t respond in anger. God forgive me, for I have sinned!

I think the best thing for me to do is to dig into God’s word and ask for wisdom and peace. I also think it may help to pray for my X. I do pray for him, but for our relationship, that I will stop allowing him to take away my joy….that we’ll get to a place where we can be in the same room together without any bitterness…that we’ll be able to talk kindly in front of Hannah. He just makes me sick right now. But I think that also has to do with this week, this anniversary week. So many memories that I don’t care to recall are coming to mind every time I look at the calendar or just think about it.

Ok, I’m feeling a little better now. I took a short break to vent to my faithful friend. That always helps. I pray that tomorrow is a better day.

1 comment:

  1. :( been there.. I am glad you talked with someone! That always helps me... ALSO, this will fade!! There was a time I could not imagine ever remembering without details! Now even the details are hazy!! Peace with come ... and praying for him, asking God to intevene and focusing on what you have will help! I felt all this going back to work...I lost all I knew when he left! So you feel it, and you do what you are doing (you vent) and pray ..and you move on ...until the next time!:( divorce is hard! NO 2 ways about it!