Monday, August 16, 2010

Letting Testosterone Back In

I’ve been praying that God will not allow anyone “interesting” into my life until I am ready. I haven’t gone looking for men to fill any void. Really, I haven’t even been interested in the opposite sex. But what about friendship? Is it possible to be “just friends” with a man, a single man?

This weekend, I spent some time talking on the phone with a man I met before summer. At first I avoided the communication, made me nervous. Then with his persistence, I decided that there’s nothing wrong with just talking. There must be SOME reason God is allowing us to “talk”.

Two and a half hours later and at 2 in the morning, I realized I had spent the night on the phone like some teenager! I’m NOT a night owl! But I enjoyed the conversation. This is so new to me. I even feel guilty, which I know I shouldn’t. I didn’t do anything wrong. I would never talk like that with a man when I was married, but I’m not married. But I still feel married sometimes. Does that make any since? Is it possible to be too loyal? Maybe I’m just a creature of habit and can’t get past the since of loyalty to my X.

I must admit, it feels really good to have someone’s attention, to know that someone cares about me, not that it’s that way. Just the fact that he wanted to talk with me felt good. My X hated talking with me about anything. He didn’t even like being around me unless he was getting sex. We won’t get into that!

Anyway, I wonder if I’m doing the right thing. I know I’m not ready for a relationship. It’s only been 4 mos since my divorce was final, but I’ve been separated for a year. I know I am still vulnerable. I’m not looking at this “friendship” as any more than just that….a friendship. But what if HE wants more? The last thing I want to do is lead him on or hurt him. How do I make it clear that a friendship is all I’m looking for? Can a man and woman even be just friends?

I know I shouldn’t worry so much, but this all makes me very nervous! Am I enjoying the attention too much? Is that healthy for me in this stage of the “process”? I figure, if anything, I might be able to learn something from this friendship about men. I’ve been out of the game for so long. It’s nice to have a guy that I can talk to and hang out with without any expectations.

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